Venting Just need them to say they hate me

[ferret-in-a-sock]

I feel like I'd not want to CTB if it felt like everyone was honest and just said, "Actually, I hate you now. Get the f out." Instead of the middling ground where you don't know, where you constantly feel like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe everyone already wants me dead. Maybe everyone wants me to go. But I've always been a bit too autistic to understand.

On some ground I recognize this is PTSD/some sort of emotional issue I have. When I was growing up, "I love you" was currency. I had to say it to have dinner and for my mom it was like her free ticket to "everything I did was wrong but I love you." Lately it feels like I'm there again. I can't stand the feeling like I'm where I was at 16, walking through an empty house where I'll vanish to my room the moment I hear the car in the drive at 10pm, because otherwise I'll be torn to shreds verbally or physically touched in ways I still can't qualify if they were sexual or not for f's sake.

It's that feeling of constant irritation and fear and desire to CTB. It doesn't help she's sent letters. My mom moved closer to my town, found out where I lived by finding the weak link who'd just give her the info (spoiler alert: laws mean nothing if your parent can sob hard enough apparently, thanks whoever worked front desk at my apartment that day).

It's that just icky feeling of wanting attention but it feels like no one cares about you. And when people do its because they want something from you. Everyone else actively means you harm. It feels thst way. When yet another medical professional ghosts you. A week and a half passes. Nothing.

Its so dumb and so petty and not going to solve anything, but I'm just not gonna text my friends for a few days and just...see. If they really don't notice then I guess...yeah, maybe I've been missing the signs they hate me.

It's not remotely healthy, but I feel like I text first too much, like I'm constantly vying for attention. I know I do. It'll hurt a shit ton when there's no replies, but maybe it'll make it easier to CTB, less SI. I know I'm constantly seeking validation from others (well duh, this is that too), and worse is I haven't been able to make content and I'm used to usually 3 positive comments a week on the content and that's a small, but significant amount.

But it's been 2 months since I've made content and no one comments anymore. Well, they do. But like 1 comment every 2 weeks. And I'm a bit too wench-ish for that to satisfy.

Theres one person I need most to be able to ask, "just say you hate me. You clearly don't want to talk to me" but I cant. All I can imagine is how bad it'll go and I'm too much of a coward for that.

 

[TheHuman]

Damn man thats some tough shit, I was in a similar spot at only around 2 years ago no one talked to me then I was in a massive depression, but I learned that it (probably) wasn't my fault they didn't talk to me. I would just ask things plain and simply to figure out why your friends may hate you. The matter of the fact is that you should just give it time and then if stuff happens then that is the time for you to CTB, but what do I know i'm just another depressed rando.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I kind of doubt your friends hate you. I hate to say it but I think most people are really just focusing on their own lives. Maybe they aren't invested enough in you to either love or hate you. Sorry if that sounds harsh. It's just- in my experience, the majority of friendships are fair weather friendships. All relationships take effort and- as people age and get partners, jobs etc. they seem to become too busy for all that. I don't know your situation though. Do you consider these people to be close friends? I do get it though- that in some ways it would be easier to leave if we knew people did hate us. I hope you get the answer you want.

 

[ferret-in-a-sock]

Damn man thats some tough shit, I was in a similar spot at only around 2 years ago no one talked to me then I was in a massive depression, but I learned that it (probably) wasn't my fault they didn't talk to me. I would just ask things plain and simply to figure out why your friends may hate you. The matter of the fact is that you should just give it time and then if stuff happens then that is the time for you to CTB, but what do I know i'm just another depressed rando.

Thanks for the reply. I asked before and it was just the "I got stuff going on" kind of talk. I know what they have going on but like...this has been going on for months and my emotions aren't made of steel. We used to talk like half a day. Now...Im lucky if I get a reply once a day. We've hung out in person for the first time in awhile and I'm more of a recluse in person and it felt like I just...fudged up the entire interaction. Like I was a downer and shiz.

And so like I've tried to keep it really private that I've been worse off, because I don't really want anyone to be like "wow, again?" Or be scared off by it especially as the symptoms keep veering psychotic ones versus straight depression/anxiety. But still feels like I failed. Both times while hanging out I had like at one point I was upset enough I walked off and wasn't talkative and was rude and second time I had a pretty terrible reaction to my car accident and was trying to be funny, but ended up being rude and dismissive. I insisted it was bad luck and I wasn't fit to move there and she was miffed it seemed like so I walked it back which seemed to piss her off more.

I know indecisiveness is a pet peeve of hers, but I can't be forthcoming and go "you might hate the reason I changed my mind which was I was reminded why I wanted to move in with y'all when I got a letter from my abuser reminding me she will visit its a matter of when not if, which is selfish, and I'd rather face your city's terrifying roads than her. My fear of driving is less than my fear of her."

Like I don't want to put the weight of "by the way I'm mentally ill and scared of someone right now so you should be nicer to me" on them because I've been a dick so its not like I deserve a free pass.

I have a bad habit of fearing something will happen when I'm like super excited or attached to people things so I tend to downplay or minimize my feelings outloud a lot and well... yeah, eventually people start feeling like you actually mean that.

 

[Riu]

It seems to me that you are struggling with loneliness and doubt about how others feel about you? I think that if you are stressed out about how your friends feel about you, you should just ask. I understand how hard it can be, but even so, I think it is a good thing to do.

It doesn't have to be today, tomorrow, or next week, take your time. Accept the fact you might lose them afterwards. I think it's better to have one or a few good friends who actually care about you than a bunch of friends that might not even care about you. Even if you end up with nobody left, there are always more loving people in the world. I know it might seem hopeless, but I can confirm there are insanely kind people in the world that will do things for you with nothing to gain. It might seem unbelievable and I couldn't believe it either, but I met someone like that. I think you just gotta live for yourself, and find people who you can really actually connect with in life.

 

[ferret-in-a-sock]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I kind of doubt your friends hate you. I hate to say it but I think most people are really just focusing on their own lives. Maybe they aren't invested enough in you to either love or hate you. Sorry if that sounds harsh. It's just- in my experience, the majority of friendships are fair weather friendships. All relationships take effort and- as people age and get partners, jobs etc. they seem to become too busy for all that. I don't know your situation though. Do you consider these people to be close friends? I do get it though- that in some ways it would be easier to leave if we knew people did hate us. I hope you get the answer you want.

Maybe. It's just we used to spend hours messaging now I send a meme to dead silence and that stings.

I just want that small sliver of attention. Especially from one friend since we had plans to live together (as friends) and now I don't know where those plans stand and there's 2 months and I trust her a lot and I'm terrified she's lying and doesn't really want me to anymore but is just not saying it and that I'll find out like too late to get my own apartment and end up homeless and stuff.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Maybe. It's just we used to spend hours messaging now I send a meme to dead silence and that stings.

I just want that small sliver of attention. Especially from one friend since we had plans to live together (as friends) and now I don't know where those plans stand and there's 2 months and I trust her a lot and I'm terrified she's lying and doesn't really want me to anymore but is just not saying it and that I'll find out like too late to get my own apartment and end up homeless and stuff.

I understand- yeah- that's got to be tough. I think you definitely need to speak to the friend you may live with though. You need to know where you stand now. Hopefully, everything will be fine and they're just busy at the moment. I suspect you're much younger than me. (I'm 43.) By my time in life- people are having families etc- so, it's easy to lose touch and you have less in common.

Friendship takes a lot of effort. I don't think it's necessarily that people hate us- when they don't respond right away- it's more that our levels of commitment to a relationship likely go up and down.

I do understand your pain though. I once had a best friend. I cared so much about them. It really hurt when we lost touch. I just can't be bothered anymore to be honest. I'm quite all or nothing!

I do hope you can sort this out though.