Need2DIEquick
Member
- Sep 21, 2020
- 22
My step mom has been lying about me and verbally abusing me to my face. Everyone around me doesn't believe me and her family is aiding in my depression. She has been doing it in front of them lately and every time they just don't notice. I have just now realized that my dad and her brother just don't care. They take every chance to just dismiss or flat out just don't hear it. Nowadays I hear her voice in my head 24/7. I think I'm becoming crazy. The voices make it hard to sleep and bring me great distress. Leaving my room gives me great anxiety because I know she could come out record me and ridicule and no one would notice or care enough to speak up. I've reached such a low point I can't anymore. Due to corona all the places that helped me cope and felt like home have had their hours reduced. I don't have the energy I used to to walk around neighborhoods and find a comfy spot on a bench to sleep. The voices have gotten so bad now i don't even think there is an escape. I have actually lost the will to eat due to the fact that I would have spend time out of my room. My stepmom and her brother is leaving soon to go on vacation. I plan on killing myself then there will be no one left in the house but me for basically the whole day. The only thing I fear is surviving this attempt. I survived my last attempt and shit only got worse. Wish I could just ask god to kill me but idek if there is one. The only thing I fear is losing myself after death. I don't know the right words to describe how I feel but I do love myself. Ever since I was 12 I dreamt about starting a new family and putting this one behind me. I would support my kids dreams, let them know I loved them, and given them the space they needed to deal with their problems. My mom and dad are complete polar opposites of each other. Growing up in NY with my mom was the most emasculating thing ever. I used to have anger issues which was a bad thing but I grew out of it later on which was not a good thing. Growing up in New York especially surrounded by the projects calls for you to have some type of "rage" which I didn't. They tell you to seek out an authority figure to help resolve the issue. Truth of the matter is the older you get the less true this becomes. From my experience the police are only good for asking directions to a certain place and only solve problems when it's too late. Truth of the matter is you solve the issue your self or you settle it in court. From third grade to eighth grade I was constantly bullied. Teachers see it and say nothing. I had a kid pull a gun on me back in 6th grade and best believe if I had told I was going to get jumped everyday by kids even in highschool. It's my fault really honestly the best way to stop a bully is through confrontation. No other way around it. You warn them to stop and if they don't you have to fight otherwise you have basically become their bitch. There is no way around this. Respect is earned not given if it helps trust me the initial warning will stop 75% of bullies. Growing up I was told that confrontation is bad but what's even worse is having a parent come in especially your mom. It just becomes emasculating. Instead of confronting the issue I just ignored it. People who tell you bullies are just looking for a reaction are just pure dumb. People pick and choose who they fuck with and by ignoring it you just said "I'm a bitch feel free to bully me I ain't gonna do shit". I was scared to go outside and would take routes to school where I knew I could minimize the amount of people I was around. During school I tried my best to disappear trying to not use the bathroom or even throw out a piece of paper. Didn't change much of anything I was still made fun of. Worse thing of all is you never forget about the times you got bitched they will stay with you and all you'll have is regret. I became very introverted and my mom never gave me any space. I was forced to join a lot of activities in the church like pathfinder, choir, etc. My mom even went so far as to calling me satan just because I didn't go dance with the other kids when they were celebrating New Years and stayed to myself. Shit left a sour taste in my mouth. Back then I didn't believe in a god nowadays I just want salvation so I don't believe in a particular god. The god in the Bible tho is just one I can't stand behind from what I can tell heaven and hell are no different because your not you in them. Basically just making it so there is no after life. My mom babied me to the point I couldn't even choose what highschool I went to. I had chose a very prestigious one but to my mom since it was far away and I had taken routes to school that constantly made me late she chose one a block away. Just to later realize how much of a mistake she made and quickly try to revert back to the one I chose. It was then I truly realized I couldn't grow as a man and be able to follow my dreams with her. She had been planning my life for me and I knew she was going to force me to follow her dreams. The only thing she heard was doctor and and even when I wanted to be a lawyer she was highly against that. I started to realize that she wanted me to live her life for her. She could have been a nurse she grew up very rich and had lots of smart brothers willing to help her but she chose not to and regretted it. So she was forcing it on me. After a while I just got fed up. Home did not feel like home and the streets of New York scared me. Honest to god some man tried to lure me into his van by talking to me about how he was going to a whore house and that I should come to to get some pussy. So I decided to move in with my dad. This just made me lose hope all together. I wouldn't say my dad doesn't love me he just doesn't give a fuck about me. Talking to him is like talking to a wall. I've tried connecting with him and he just blatantly ignores me most of the time. I wouldn't even say he supports me he just gives so little fucks about me I just do what I want. Never heard him ever congratulate me not even for academic achievements. Not that it matters though I decided to become an electrician so I just started doing the bare minimum to pass highschool. As you heard earlier my stepmom was very abusive and there's not much you can do against a woman without looking like the bad guy. I woke up one day to my stepmom pouring salt on me as I slept chanting something under her breath. Once I woke up she quickly took out the trash and escaped to her room. But I should give some backstory to how my stepmom became this way towards me. To sum it up my stepmom likes things her way and if your not a pawn to her their will be an issue. Simple things like telling my dad I don't want wanna eat out at this place I wanna eat out hear would make her resent me. Also telling my dad to buy me some food because she was literally serving me the same one meal everyday was a problem to her. She would even wake me up at 1 am on school days consistently just for me to do some menial task she could have just done herself. At some point I had had enough and said no after her telling me to go get and return a charger twice a day for a week straight when she could easily do it herself and I was trying to sleep. After that my stepmom gradually became more hostile. She even tried to frame me for stealing from her purse. She had grabbed me by the hand brought me to my dad and said "I know you took my money just tell me you did it I won't be mad" in the most maniacal nonchalant way. At first I didn't believe it and thought maybe she wasn't trying to frame me. But after words I realized this wasn't the case because my dad didn't fall for it and she continued to leave her purse in the same spot and not just take it to her room like a person who believes there is a chance of theft would. And like I said earlier my stepmom would talk shit to me to my face because she didn't believe I understood the language at all. Neither did my dad and when I would tell him he would dismiss me. I have reached the point where I'm just tired. They don't care enough to investigate the issue and I have began to realize that even if I did prove she was talking about me no action would be taken. I can't even describe the amount of sorrow I felt just recently to hear her not only talk but record me in front of her brother and for him to not even notice even though he was a couple feet away. I honestly wouldn't even be that mad but she talks about my mom too I heard her talking about her just recently with her mom. I'm pretty sure her brother is not apart of her chats about me. Sometimes I just want to beat the shit out of her but with women no matter the abuse they put on to you you will always be seen as the bad guy. Speaking of which I've tried my hardest to ignore and remove my self from the situation even using an authority figure. Like I said this just doesn't work. I have went to the police 2 times and have tried to get them to put me in some type of confinement or orphanage by telling them the situation and telling that one day I just might bring her harm because I can't take it anymore. Each time they just brought me back and told me I had no idea wtf I was talking about. I will admit this is very extreme but this was the only way I saw of how to distance myself from my family and get help. I have also never hit my stepmom I can't bring myself to honestly no matter the rage I just can't do it. Also the fact about how it would affect my step siblings. Hope their life isn't as shit as mine. I actually did start recieving help but talking to people about my problems has never solved the issue even when I was appointed a "therapist". What I started doing was going to the YMCA straight after school and staying their till it closed and walking home which would maximize my time away from her. Not to mention those walks allowed me to be by myself. I even walk home in blizzards just to maximize my time I really didn't give a fuck I had gotten used to the 5 mile walk. When I got home it was time for my step siblings to go to sleep so I had the living room to myself. I would make food and go to sleep. At this time I didn't have my own room because my dad had a roommate and opted to sleep on the couch even though I was given a mattress to sleep on the living room floor. The couch was really uncomfortable to sleep on but to retrieve the mattress I had to deal with my stepmom and I had to return it which would cause more interaction. Like I said before this was how my stepmom poured salt on me and she basically got away with it because my dad didn't do shit about it. I wish I would have realized this earlier. There are times when I tell my dad shit that has really been bothering me and he just goes to my step siblings and starts playing with them. The ultimate disrespect. The fact my dad willingly didn't sign my birth certificate should have told me he wasn't a true father to me. He says he did it so I could have a better life but honestly he just abandoned me for a while and decided to come back into my life. From what I could tell he was coming to America regardless it just took him 3 more years which really wouldn't have changed much if anything since I came to America the second I was born. When he came I believe I was in pre k so him doing that was for nothing. Nowadays my father continues to choose pussy over me. Constantly dismissing me but entertaining my step mom with her lies and downright insulting and bogus claims like my youngest step sister is scared of me. When this just isn't the case. They think because they blast the tv and talk in twi I can't hear them but like I said earlier I can. My stepmoms brother doesn't even believe me even though he heard her talking about me before which he told me. He thinks I don't understand and can't hear him but I do. When he told his sister that she was telling the truth that broke my heart. I have even heard him say on the phone to his friend I am living a lie. It's ok now. People show how they truly feel about you in times of distress and now I am old enough to understand this. Truth be told they will dismiss and not even see it from your side. Truth be shown and nothing will happen because they never truly cared. Soon I will kill myself this is definite. When I'm at the YMCA I can be by myself the only place I consider home. My only hope is that in the afterlife I can still be myself and find salvation. My only regret is not being able to sustain living on my own as it is right now I don't have my electrician license. My quick one way out to being able to live on my own. Even then it would take a while to be self sustainable and I dread every moment of asking my so called dad for help. I had dreams too but the time for them is something I don't have. My dying wish is to be cremated and don't let anyone of any relation to my stepmom near me I just want to die in peace. Due to my first failed suicide attempt I actually started reading on the proper way to kill yourself which is hanging. If I do end up brain dead I hope my family has the decency to just kill me. Life was shit. Could I have made it better? Yes. If I had learned to become a more socially inept person I probably could have found some true friends to make life more enjoyable and probably run away with. As it is right now I'm very introverted and lacking social skills. I also can't put the past behind me and forgive so I can move on. In the end I just can't do it anymore. I can't bring myself to to trust and love someone which is very bad. Deep down I feel like this person will betray me or become someone I thought they weren't. I don't have much relationships with people because I feel this way. Everyone gets mad cuz I don't text or call them enough but honestly I just don't want to get hurt. And that's very selfish of me but I can't take anymore pain. Looking back at it I don't think I'm a good person but I'm just a product of my environment. If I'm not me when I die then I just hope that I'm reborn as a better person.
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