Venting Just my late night vents

[javie33]

I'm not posting this for attention or anything like that I just want someone to listen if u want to anyway I've tried ctb atleast 5 times I've been in and out of the mental hospital several times I'm just tired of everything and everyone I've tried everything and it's not working I'm a trans man I hate even saying it I wish I was cis I hate it so fucking much I'm uncomfortable all the time no one will ever see me as a man they only see the label I'm sick of proving I'm a man to everyone they make it obvious im a woman I'll never be and actually man idk why im still trying my last attempt was sometime in January time is getting kinda mushed together I can't even be in a relationship with a man without feeling insecure about my gender bc I'm a top but I have to show it or im not a real man ill never be one im really fucking lonely I have all this friends and hoes around me but I feel alone no matter where I am I just need someone to listen I feel like I'm always just listening to other people never the other way around I've reached out so many times but no one wants to listen they just want to talk abt themselves or fuck im really alone and I've tried to get help but no one is there I feel like im constantly drowning witha bunch of people watching pushng me further I'm a drug addict and people encourage it I can't stop drinking I'm drunk 24/7 wow that's alot anyways

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it sounds so awful failing to ctb, that's what I fear and I just think the reality is that other people don't care, you just cannot trust and rely on them, they only care about their own existence and as humans we are all alone. It really sounds like you've suffered so much, life is just too cruel and to me this world certainly is hell.

 

[javie33]

I'm not posting this for attention or anything like that I just want someone to listen if u want to anyway I've tried ctb atleast 5 times I've been in and out of the mental hospital several times I'm just tired of everything and everyone I've tried everything and it's not working I'm a trans man I hate even saying it I wish I was cis I hate it so fucking much I'm uncomfortable all the time no one will ever see me as a man they only see the label I'm sick of proving I'm a man to everyone they make it obvious im a woman I'll never be and actually man idk why im still trying my last attempt was sometime in January time is getting kinda mushed together I can't even be in a relationship with a man without feeling insecure about my gender bc I'm a top but I have to show it or im not a real man ill never be one im really fucking lonely I have all this friends and hoes around me but I feel alone no matter where I am I just need someone to listen I feel like I'm always just listening to other people never the other way around I've reached out so many times but no one wants to listen they just want to talk abt themselves or fuck im really alone and I've tried to get help but no one is there I feel like im constantly drowning witha bunch of people watching pushng me further I'm a drug addict and people encourage it I can't stop drinking I'm drunk 24/7 wow that's alot anyways

Some more venting I might start doing this daily but anyway today I slept in reached put to my ex we might start dating again I was in love with them and still am they are the one for me Honstely one of my attempts at ctb was with zoloft obviously didn't work but I was high as shit for 3 days in a row so now I like mixing all my meds up with high doses and getting high that started my drug addiction atleast until I got mixed up in some shit and started heavier thing such as coke, molly, opioid ect. But currently I have no access to any drug im going fucking crazy I can stand it I can hear all the voices all my feeling rushing at once I also have a limited supply of alcohol im afraid of what's ill do when I run out weed just doesn't do it for me anymore I didn't realize until now that I was using drugs as a crutch so I've been relaying on sex and sh I need to wait a bit before I attempt ctb again because I need that last high. I'm so fucking lonely I can't anymore I need someone with me 24/7 someone to touch love yk I just can't do this anymore I sick and tired of being a woman or atleast perceived as one whywhy can't I be a cis man it yurts each time I get called a mam or each time I look down at my chest it makes me want to puke until I pass out. Today I skipped my meals and just worked out until I passed out I have been gaining muscle but I thought I would be happier when I did onto of that my barber gave me a mullet that's not the worse part it's the fact that I pull it off now idk what to do everything I've ever though is wrong and I can't stop thinking and questioning myself on everything I'm losing grip on reality I might be slipping into psychosis I have been in it before it is truly terrifying I dread going back to that place the voices are louder than ever and I've been hallucinating for week on end I can't do this anymore I need to die. I need to die. I can't live like this in this body in this house I can't do this no more im so tired im extremely sleep deprived and I can't sleep idk what to do anymore:( idk I need help but when I reach out its just dumb shit people said I'm so fucking tired of everything what is wrong with me why do I still want to die im attractive I can pull anyone I want im making money why can't I just be happy holy fuck bro why why why why why why God why me if God is even real why do u do this to me why please tell me why why why I can't focus anymore what is wrong with me I need help someone to listen but when I get therapy they just talk about dumb shit that I don't care about why would I want to talk about safety plans or how my mom leaving affected me the past is the past I don't give a fuck about her or my dad im ok alone why should I care they left not me to my problem when I die I don't want none of ym family to ge try shit bury me with my shit and I don't belive on leaving notes I don't care about some one that much or some cringe shit to leave my message to the world like the fuck does that mean om so fucking tired of all this i can't wait until I get my meds ill be high all the time and I can finally ctb my sh habits fucked up my face I have scars every where they make me who I am but people alway have to comment on them like mind your fucking business just look at my body I took years of working out to get like fuck man do people have any decently im tired of people of being alive and sober like the fuck I can't live like this