Venting Just me being dramatic

[Valky]

This is pure venting and I don't expect anyone to actually read this but I need to get it off my chest.

I am so tired.
I am so tired of living.
Tired of holding on.
Tired of trying to make it work.
Tired of trying my best and still failing.
Tired of trying to keep finding reasons as to why I should not ctb.
Tired of living for others.
Tired of trying to help others and not getting anything in return.
Tired of loving people.
Tired of trying to fit in.
Tired of existing.

Life is like a marathon with different obstacles. Seen the videos of those tripping eventually and face planting into the ground? The race is over for them. All the hard work, all the blood and tears for nothing. This is what mental illness feels like.
'Life keeps on moving'. Some say it's a blessing some say it's a curse. It is both. Life can help you overcome a lot of things by pushing you forward. But what if you are not ready yet? What if you need time first to get back up on your feet? We don't have that time. Life keeps moving but without us. We just get run over and are expected to somehow keep moving.

I never asked to even be here. I don't wanna be here. I Never wanted to either.

My mother had a miscarriage before she had me. Why?? Why did it have to be me? Why could I just never exist in the first place.

I am trying so hard everyday to be positive, for myself and especially for others. The great days are beautiful and they seem to make life worth living but the bad ones hit even harder. I have no right to even be sad. I had so many chances, so many opportunities, so much love and support and yet, I still see no point.

I am trying so hard not to self harm again since I have been clean for 3-4 years now. But I just wanna cut myself again. I wanna slice my arms and thighs open again and again and hope that this time it really will be it.

I don't wanna die.
I just don't want to exist.

 

[SVEN]

This is pure venting and I don't expect anyone to actually read this but I need to get it off my chest.

I am so tired.
I am so tired of living.
Tired of holding on.
Tired of trying to make it work.
Tired of trying my best and still failing.
Tired of trying to keep finding reasons as to why I should not ctb.
Tired of living for others.
Tired of trying to help others and not getting anything in return.
Tired of loving people.
Tired of trying to fit in.
Tired of existing.

Life is like a marathon with different obstacles. Seen the videos of those tripping eventually and face planting into the ground? The race is over for them. All the hard work, all the blood and tears for nothing. This is what mental illness feels like.
'Life keeps on moving'. Some say it's a blessing some say it's a curse. It is both. Life can help you overcome a lot of things by pushing you forward. But what if you are not ready yet? What if you need time first to get back up on your feet? We don't have that time. Life keeps moving but without us. We just get run over and are expected to somehow keep moving.

I never asked to even be here. I don't wanna be here. I Never wanted to either.

My mother had a miscarriage before she had me. Why?? Why did it have to be me? Why could I just never exist in the first place.

I am trying so hard everyday to be positive, for myself and especially for others. The great days are beautiful and they seem to make life worth living but the bad ones hit even harder. I have no right to even be sad. I had so many chances, so many opportunities, so much love and support and yet, I still see no point.

I am trying so hard not to self harm again since I have been clean for 3-4 years now. But I just wanna cut myself again. I wanna slice my arms and thighs open again and again and hope that this time it really will be it.

I don't wanna die.
I just don't want to exist.

I read it Valkyrae, I get it. That is really all the consolation I can offer, that someone else took time to read your cry of pain and understood it. You are not alone on this group.

 

[Valky]

I read it Valkyrae, I get it. That is really all the consolation I can offer, that someone else took time to read your cry of pain and understood it. You are not alone on this group.

I appreciate this a lot, thank you <3

I just feel so lonely most of the time, even here.

 

[depressedlover]

I have never came across your thread except for the posts you make on members posts and from them i have always felt you're a good person,there are things we agree on,one thing to be exact .I have also been following your chats in the forum and you seem strong having to work and also try helping others.I might not be in a position to help you but i can only say you're a beautiful soul.Strong personality and however tough life is on your side i just hope one day you'll find whatever it is you're seeking.

 

[just_so_done]

I felt that through every fiber of my being. I see and hear your pain Valkyrae and can relate so much to what you shared. For a lot of people, its not that they want to die but rather for the pain to stop.

As someone who has experience with different forms of self harm, cutting included I'm here if you want to talk or just need someone to listen. Feel free to PM me. You're not alone, even when it feels like you're the only one here

 

[Linda]

This is pure venting and I don't expect anyone to actually read this but I need to get it off my chest.

I am so tired.
I am so tired of living.
Tired of holding on.
Tired of trying to make it work.
Tired of trying my best and still failing.
Tired of trying to keep finding reasons as to why I should not ctb.
Tired of living for others.
Tired of trying to help others and not getting anything in return.
Tired of loving people.
Tired of trying to fit in.
Tired of existing.

Life is like a marathon with different obstacles. Seen the videos of those tripping eventually and face planting into the ground? The race is over for them. All the hard work, all the blood and tears for nothing. This is what mental illness feels like.
'Life keeps on moving'. Some say it's a blessing some say it's a curse. It is both. Life can help you overcome a lot of things by pushing you forward. But what if you are not ready yet? What if you need time first to get back up on your feet? We don't have that time. Life keeps moving but without us. We just get run over and are expected to somehow keep moving.

I never asked to even be here. I don't wanna be here. I Never wanted to either.

My mother had a miscarriage before she had me. Why?? Why did it have to be me? Why could I just never exist in the first place.

I am trying so hard everyday to be positive, for myself and especially for others. The great days are beautiful and they seem to make life worth living but the bad ones hit even harder. I have no right to even be sad. I had so many chances, so many opportunities, so much love and support and yet, I still see no point.

I am trying so hard not to self harm again since I have been clean for 3-4 years now. But I just wanna cut myself again. I wanna slice my arms and thighs open again and again and hope that this time it really will be it.

I don't wanna die.
I just don't want to exist.

I already guessed, from some of your posts, that you do a lot of "living for others". And you're good at it. Dont stop doing that, but perhaps you could do a little more living for yourself. It also helps if you have something to occupy your time. I'm going though a slightly down period at the moment (nothing too serious), and I find that burying myself in my work helps take my mind off it. I can't think about two things at once!

 

[Valky]

I have never came across your thread except for the posts you make on members posts and from them i have always felt you're a good person,there are things we agree on,one thing to be exact .I have also been following your chats in the forum and you seem strong having to work and also try helping others.I might not be in a position to help you but i can only say you're a beautiful soul.Strong personality and however tough life is on your side i just hope one day you'll find whatever it is you're seeking.

This really really means a lot to me. You can't even imagine. Thank you so much for your kind words <3
I hope life treats you well!!

I felt that through every fiber of my being. I see and hear your pain Valkyrae and can relate so much to what you shared. For a lot of people, its not that they want to die but rather for the pain to stop.

As someone who has experience with different forms of self harm, cutting included I'm here if you want to talk or just need someone to listen. Feel free to PM me. You're not alone, even when it feels like you're the only one here

Thank you a lot for this. Your words touched me truly :,) Feel free to pm me anytime too if you ever need someone! <3

I already guessed, from some of your posts, that you do a lot of "living for others". And you're good at it. Dont stop doing that, but perhaps you could do a little more living for yourself. It also helps if you have something to occupy your time. I'm going though a slightly down period at the moment (nothing too serious), and I find that burying myself in my work helps take my mind off it. I can't think about two things at once!

Thank you for the advice and your kind words. I am trying me best to occupy as much of my time as possible but especially the weekends, where I have nothing to do are therefore hard for me often.

I wish you all the best and hope you feel better soon!! <3

 

[SilentSadness]

I feel the same way. Life is such a pointless waste of time and the only reason we're here is because others thought they knew what's best for us when they gave birth. We are alone here and I have observed that most people are very selfish. It's an exhausting process to have to live and frustrating to have others preach about the value of life without end. For me, I don't think there is a "beautiful day" but I hope you enjoy yours nonetheless.

 

[leavingsoon99]

This is pure venting and I don't expect anyone to actually read this but I need to get it off my chest.

I am so tired.
I am so tired of living.
Tired of holding on.
Tired of trying to make it work.
Tired of trying my best and still failing.
Tired of trying to keep finding reasons as to why I should not ctb.
Tired of living for others.
Tired of trying to help others and not getting anything in return.
Tired of loving people.
Tired of trying to fit in.
Tired of existing.

Life is like a marathon with different obstacles. Seen the videos of those tripping eventually and face planting into the ground? The race is over for them. All the hard work, all the blood and tears for nothing. This is what mental illness feels like.
'Life keeps on moving'. Some say it's a blessing some say it's a curse. It is both. Life can help you overcome a lot of things by pushing you forward. But what if you are not ready yet? What if you need time first to get back up on your feet? We don't have that time. Life keeps moving but without us. We just get run over and are expected to somehow keep moving.

I never asked to even be here. I don't wanna be here. I Never wanted to either.

My mother had a miscarriage before she had me. Why?? Why did it have to be me? Why could I just never exist in the first place.

I am trying so hard everyday to be positive, for myself and especially for others. The great days are beautiful and they seem to make life worth living but the bad ones hit even harder. I have no right to even be sad. I had so many chances, so many opportunities, so much love and support and yet, I still see no point.

I am trying so hard not to self harm again since I have been clean for 3-4 years now. But I just wanna cut myself again. I wanna slice my arms and thighs open again and again and hope that this time it really will be it.

I don't wanna die.
I just don't want to exist.

I read it. Express yourself. I did earlier. I feel you on a lot of this. Except, I DO want to die. I send you good vibes, empathy, and hopes for the best... whatever you decide to do with your future.

It's an exhausting process to have to live and frustrating to have others preach about the value of life without end.

I hate "life-warriors". Some of them try to come from a genuine place. Most of them talk out of their own narratives and they try to impose those narratives onto others.

"Me happy. You smile happy too. Look at tree. Woooo!!!"

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course I've also never wished to be here and I understand that it really can be so tiring feeling trapped here. But anyway I wish you the best, I find it cruel how people are expected to stay here and suffer no matter what.

 

[Jezzibell]

You are a very decent human being who deserves every ounce of happiness. I hope that the people around you see you. We are all here for you. X

 

[Valky]

Of course I've also never wished to be here and I understand that it really can be so tiring feeling trapped here. But anyway I wish you the best, I find it cruel how people are expected to stay here and suffer no matter what.

Thank you FC, it really is a shame. It could be so much easier, not only for us but also for our loved ones.
I wish you all the Best as well! <3

You are a very decent human being who deserves every ounce of happiness. I hope that the people around you see you. We are all here for you. X

Thank you, this means a lot <3

 

[charlotte_]

I've came across some of your threads, and it really seems like you're someone that are very inclined on helping others. I find that a really admirable trait. This world is crawling with selfish cruel people that threatens our rights, running over us as if we aren't even in our sight, so you truly are a gem in this mess. The things you said are really comforting to hear, and it makes me kind of happy knowing people like you exist, even if we've barely ever interacted. Sorry, I don't know your situations very clearly so I'm not sure of how to help, but perhaps you could try living more for yourself? You deserve just the same care you've given to others. You deserve to feel happy and fulfilled. You deserve to be able to cry, to fall without feeling shame, and you deserve a helping hand too. Also, after all, at the end of our life we'll all be alone, therefore you truly only have yourself after all. Therefore, before that comes, why don't you try cherish yourself more? You deserve regconition for your hard work not just from others, but also yourself.

 

[blacksand]

Feel every word exactly the same.

 

[TydalWave]

Tired of faking smiles in public places
Tired of being trapped in my head
Tired of waking up to the same old story
Tired of looking for reasons to just exist
Tired of fearing the worst if I don't
Tired of feeling good just to return to this abyss
Tired of finding others, just to bring them with
Tired of hearing I don't take care of myself
Tired of failing to find my way out.

 

[Jezzibell]

Thank you FC, it really is a shame. It could be so much easier, not only for us but also for our loved ones.
I wish you all the Best as well! <3

Thank you, this means a lot <3

I see your posts and comments and balanced counsel. You stand out. These are not just words. We all appreciate you and it makes me sad that the people around you seem to take you for granted.

 

[Valky]

I've came across some of your threads, and it really seems like you're someone that are very inclined on helping others. I find that a really admirable trait. This world is crawling with selfish cruel people that threatens our rights, running over us as if we aren't even in our sight, so you truly are a gem in this mess. The things you said are really comforting to hear, and it makes me kind of happy knowing people like you exist, even if we've barely ever interacted. Sorry, I don't know your situations very clearly so I'm not sure of how to help, but perhaps you could try living more for yourself? You deserve just the same care you've given to others. You deserve to feel happy and fulfilled. You deserve to be able to cry, to fall without feeling shame, and you deserve a helping hand too. Also, after all, at the end of our life we'll all be alone, therefore you truly only have yourself after all. Therefore, before that comes, why don't you try cherish yourself more? You deserve regconition for your hard work not just from others, but also yourself.

You have no idea how much this means to me :,)
Thank you. Thank you so so much <3

I will try my best to make good use of your advice.

Again, thank you!!!

I see your posts and comments and balanced counsel. You stand out. These are not just words. We all appreciate you and it makes me sad that the people around you seem to take you for granted.

Thank you so much for seeing me, Jessi <3

 

[UsagiDrop]

I am trying so hard everyday to be positive, for myself and especially for others. The great days are beautiful and they seem to make life worth living but the bad ones hit even harder. I have no right to even be sad. I had so many chances, so many opportunities, so much love and support and yet, I still see no point.

I'm so happy that you're still here and still trying. I hope you can appreciate all of the effort you're putting into yourself every single day. We have all read your words and we see you.

I want to let you know that you have every right to feel sadness. You're not being dramatic. Like you said, you never asked to be here. Despite how many opportunities you've had, or how much love and support you may get, it can never negate a feeling of sadness or emptiness. We all have reasons to be in a community like this. I don't believe that these feelings are our fault and I think it's 100% okay for us to feel this way, even if it can seem like we "shouldn't." I hope you won't beat yourself up too much for feeling this way.

Thank you for fighting and for sharing pieces of yourself here. Thank you especially for being selfless and trying to remain positive for others. It isn't an effort that goes unseen. You're in my thoughts!

 

[hodbu]

Big hugs~~~

I feel your pain. Life is difficult. If it were easier maybe I'd enjoy living more.

 

[Valky]

I'm so happy that you're still here and still trying. I hope you can appreciate all of the effort you're putting into yourself every single day. We have all read your words and we see you.

I want to let you know that you have every right to feel sadness. You're not being dramatic. Like you said, you never asked to be here. Despite how many opportunities you've had, or how much love and support you may get, it can never negate a feeling of sadness or emptiness. We all have reasons to be in a community like this. I don't believe that these feelings are our fault and I think it's 100% okay for us to feel this way, even if it can seem like we "shouldn't." I hope you won't beat yourself up too much for feeling this way.

Thank you for fighting and for sharing pieces of yourself here. Thank you especially for being selfless and trying to remain positive for others. It isn't an effort that goes unseen. You're in my thoughts!

You are a very kind soul and your words mean a lot to me. Thank you so much!
I see you too and I am thinking of you <3

May life treat you well, you more than deserve it

 

[Mord.]

Sometimes life feels like trying to run a race with a broken leg, You try to do your best to ignore the pain, somedays you are able to, and some you are not and you are so hurt to keep going and all you want is to the pain go away. Thats how ive been feeling these years, trying to find all methods to heal myself but ending up feeling depressed even if i am surrounded of people that cares about me, the void inside me doesn't go away
Just want to say that i share your feeling and if you someone talk to i'm here. Wish you the best

 

[Valky]

Just want to say that i share your feeling and if you someone talk to i'm here. Wish you the best

Thank you and I am sorry to hear that <3 feel free to pm me anytime too, if you need someone. Wishing you all the best as well!!

 

[Letgo]

I am sorry about your pain. You are being thought of.