Discussion Just keeping my options open

[marudekinoumitai]

I'm in a lot of mental/emotional pain and I don't know what to do with myself most of the time, but deep down, I still want to figure it out somehow. I'm in kind of a weird place where CTB isn't what I REALLY want, it's not my first choice, but it seems better than what will probably happen. Like my order of preference goes:

1. A happy and fulfilling life with connection to others (probably impossible for me to achieve)
2. CTB
3. The miserable life I currently have and don't see any way to escape

Even though I don't actually want to die, not really, I'm still learning about methods and preparing an exit plan because I feel like it'll make me feel better knowing that I don't HAVE to be here. If I feel like I'm too much of a burden to everyone around me and can't do it anymore, I could quit at any time, you know? Does anyone else feel the same way?

 

[warmsand]

That's what I'm feeling, too. You know how people say that when someone's suicidal and suddenly they start getting really happy, it's because they've made plans? It feels like that to me - knowing I have a plan ready and an option to stop the constant suffering gives me peace of mind.

I suffer from intense episodes, my emotions range from incredibly suicidal to happy/content with being alive. I can't stand going through it anymore so preparing an option for me to CTB when I'm in a suicidal episode and I know I can overcome the SI and do it, makes me feel way better than constantly being trapped and having no other option.