praythestars
Member
- Jan 11, 2026
- 15
Hey all. No one here knows me yet, but here I am.
On the third I had two attempts, the first one was almost successful (partial hanging) but was ultimately interrupted by my spouse. Oops. I don't really remember the second attempt, it occurred in the ER and was another PH attempt. The entire situation snowballed from there. The suicide watch room was extremely, extremely cold. Like not normal. Even two of my 1:1 sitters mentioned it independently. I was in paper clothes (because of the second attempt) and not allowed any blanket or sheet (fair, I guess). Just a thin blue mat on the floor in a very cold room for 36 hours. They didn't bring any food until around 18 hours in, either. At one point my partner and I both asked to see a patient advocate, instead they sent the head RN which is obviously a conflict of interest. She proceeded to idk, threaten me I guess? With some lies when I asked what would theoretically happen if I attempted to leave. She said the police would send dogs after me and I'd be arrested for the attempt lol. Neither of which are true, while there are some things they could charge me with it wouldn't be that and that rarely happens anyways, they usually just return you to the hospital.
At one point I guess the sitters weren't told I wasn't allowed a blanket, because suddenly I had one for maybe six hours. I was finally able to sleep. Then they took it away, despite my sitters trying to tell staff they would sit in the room with me. Denied. One of those sitters while I was asleep had apparently been trying to get maintenance to come out and fix the HVAC because she noticed how cold it was. I was unaware of that, but became aware of it when I was awake and she tried to follow up on the request. Some nurse that I assume has a higher "rank" was really mean to her and said something like "You aren't helping (sitter name)!" Like it was mean enough that the poor sitter started crying. At this point I decided to start talking some, and I managed to make her laugh. We chatted the rest of the time I was there.
At some point when my partner tried to call for an update they had "lost" me (they did not lose me, I was being watched and had three cameras on me and was in the same room the entire time). This lead to a lot of stress and fear, with my partner calling everyone we know thinking I had made a break for it. Eventually when the EMTs came to transport me to IP, they "lost" me again and didn't know where I was when my partner came to visit maybe thirty minutes after I had left.
I didn't see a doctor or a psych the entire time I was there, either. It was super weird and shitty. IP at least was the normal amount of shitty, which was way less shitty than the ER. I arrived around 11am and left alone after intake pretty much, but the next morning suddenly I was being put in "colors" (scrubs of a different color that signal I am under CO/constant observation). This confused me, since I hadn't been CO the entire first day and night. Despite my new CO status, staff messed up multiple times. They were supposed to watch me when I used the restroom, when I took showers, someone had to have eyes on me at all times etc, but I quickly learned which staff seemed to be idk, forgetful? Not sure how you forget when the scrubs I'm in denote I'm CO, but they did. I was able to use the bathroom without being watched at least twice a day, and managed to get most of a shower in before anyone noticed I was "missing".
The worst part of this particular IP was that no one was allowed any personal effects. Everyone was given the same underwear, bras, scrubs to wear, etc. No books from home, no shampoo or hairbrush from home, nothing allowed from home, and certainly no phones or anything. I've never been to an IP that allows phones but I've likewise never been to one where absolutely nothing was allowed from outside of the facility. It was weird. Didn't even see a doctor until 48 hours or so in, except at intake, same with a therapist. Doors were also locked at 7:15am which I'm not used to, so you had to stay in the day rooms all day, no napping etc. Most IP's I've been to as an adult you are allowed in and out of your room.
Anyways, all that to say that my experience this time has only solidified that I think I'm done going into IPs. If I were to attempt to CTB again, I'd choose SN and if I begin to start feeling it is time to CTB, I don't believe I will be as forthcoming as I usually am and voluntarily go into an IP which is what I usually do, historically. I'm done. It's nothing the IP did wrong, the staff were very kind, they're just underfunded and understaffed. Really it's more about the ER experience, which makes sure that if I do try to CTB I want to be sure I'm never in that room again, and just a general fatigue of IP after voluntarily going three times in my life and this latest involuntary for a total of four.
It's weird, I don't feel regret about failing or about attempting, I'm not in a bad mood or even sad, I haven't been really, except on the third a bit. I didn't really have any warning signs this time, which is new for me. It's a bit scary, honestly, since I am usually very good at "staying safe." But to me that just means I need to be sure I have a better plan set in case it happens again, because the whole kerfuffle of the cops barging in, getting cut down by my partner, everyone crying and shit was a real bummer and everything is just worse for it having happened.
Not sure what the point of this post is, maybe just a bit of a heads up for folks that may be a bit more impulsive and really even more so to folks like me who aren't typically impulsive, turns out this kind of thing can sneak up on you and before you know it you're going from having a fairly okay day to being vaguely upset about something and then you end up like me.
On the third I had two attempts, the first one was almost successful (partial hanging) but was ultimately interrupted by my spouse. Oops. I don't really remember the second attempt, it occurred in the ER and was another PH attempt. The entire situation snowballed from there. The suicide watch room was extremely, extremely cold. Like not normal. Even two of my 1:1 sitters mentioned it independently. I was in paper clothes (because of the second attempt) and not allowed any blanket or sheet (fair, I guess). Just a thin blue mat on the floor in a very cold room for 36 hours. They didn't bring any food until around 18 hours in, either. At one point my partner and I both asked to see a patient advocate, instead they sent the head RN which is obviously a conflict of interest. She proceeded to idk, threaten me I guess? With some lies when I asked what would theoretically happen if I attempted to leave. She said the police would send dogs after me and I'd be arrested for the attempt lol. Neither of which are true, while there are some things they could charge me with it wouldn't be that and that rarely happens anyways, they usually just return you to the hospital.
At one point I guess the sitters weren't told I wasn't allowed a blanket, because suddenly I had one for maybe six hours. I was finally able to sleep. Then they took it away, despite my sitters trying to tell staff they would sit in the room with me. Denied. One of those sitters while I was asleep had apparently been trying to get maintenance to come out and fix the HVAC because she noticed how cold it was. I was unaware of that, but became aware of it when I was awake and she tried to follow up on the request. Some nurse that I assume has a higher "rank" was really mean to her and said something like "You aren't helping (sitter name)!" Like it was mean enough that the poor sitter started crying. At this point I decided to start talking some, and I managed to make her laugh. We chatted the rest of the time I was there.
At some point when my partner tried to call for an update they had "lost" me (they did not lose me, I was being watched and had three cameras on me and was in the same room the entire time). This lead to a lot of stress and fear, with my partner calling everyone we know thinking I had made a break for it. Eventually when the EMTs came to transport me to IP, they "lost" me again and didn't know where I was when my partner came to visit maybe thirty minutes after I had left.
I didn't see a doctor or a psych the entire time I was there, either. It was super weird and shitty. IP at least was the normal amount of shitty, which was way less shitty than the ER. I arrived around 11am and left alone after intake pretty much, but the next morning suddenly I was being put in "colors" (scrubs of a different color that signal I am under CO/constant observation). This confused me, since I hadn't been CO the entire first day and night. Despite my new CO status, staff messed up multiple times. They were supposed to watch me when I used the restroom, when I took showers, someone had to have eyes on me at all times etc, but I quickly learned which staff seemed to be idk, forgetful? Not sure how you forget when the scrubs I'm in denote I'm CO, but they did. I was able to use the bathroom without being watched at least twice a day, and managed to get most of a shower in before anyone noticed I was "missing".
The worst part of this particular IP was that no one was allowed any personal effects. Everyone was given the same underwear, bras, scrubs to wear, etc. No books from home, no shampoo or hairbrush from home, nothing allowed from home, and certainly no phones or anything. I've never been to an IP that allows phones but I've likewise never been to one where absolutely nothing was allowed from outside of the facility. It was weird. Didn't even see a doctor until 48 hours or so in, except at intake, same with a therapist. Doors were also locked at 7:15am which I'm not used to, so you had to stay in the day rooms all day, no napping etc. Most IP's I've been to as an adult you are allowed in and out of your room.
Anyways, all that to say that my experience this time has only solidified that I think I'm done going into IPs. If I were to attempt to CTB again, I'd choose SN and if I begin to start feeling it is time to CTB, I don't believe I will be as forthcoming as I usually am and voluntarily go into an IP which is what I usually do, historically. I'm done. It's nothing the IP did wrong, the staff were very kind, they're just underfunded and understaffed. Really it's more about the ER experience, which makes sure that if I do try to CTB I want to be sure I'm never in that room again, and just a general fatigue of IP after voluntarily going three times in my life and this latest involuntary for a total of four.
It's weird, I don't feel regret about failing or about attempting, I'm not in a bad mood or even sad, I haven't been really, except on the third a bit. I didn't really have any warning signs this time, which is new for me. It's a bit scary, honestly, since I am usually very good at "staying safe." But to me that just means I need to be sure I have a better plan set in case it happens again, because the whole kerfuffle of the cops barging in, getting cut down by my partner, everyone crying and shit was a real bummer and everything is just worse for it having happened.
Not sure what the point of this post is, maybe just a bit of a heads up for folks that may be a bit more impulsive and really even more so to folks like me who aren't typically impulsive, turns out this kind of thing can sneak up on you and before you know it you're going from having a fairly okay day to being vaguely upset about something and then you end up like me.
