Venting Just got back from a psych ward

[NoThoughtTooMany]

I should have listened to people on this forum. Being honest with my psychiatrist about my suicidal thoughts was a big mistake.

I knew I needed a break. Life was getting overwhelming - work was mundane and the nights lonely as ever. I took an hour drive to the ER, based on advice from my psychiatrist. I thought I would be able to be placed in the facility voluntarily. But when I told the person at the front desk my name, and why I was there, I knew only then that they were expecting me. Very little words passed back to me after I tell them my issue - that I've been contemplating suicide for the past year - just cold gestures and questions:
"DOB? ... Hold your arm out, please.... keep that on etc. and walk this way."
The nurse coldly tells me to wait. I see a patient threatening to kill another patient who is having a psychotic episode. A police officer and nurse force me to undress while they watch. I'm told to wait in room 6. An hour an a half passes and I'm wheeled into "the north wing".

I found it funny... When I get into the north wing, a nurse goes through several documents I have to sign. One of forums allows you to rank your preferred methods for calming you down, or whatever, I forgot the term they used. On that list was alone time, isolation room, medication, and forced restraints. Like, why would anyone choose to be forcibly restrained as their first option? Anyways, when I finished with signing documents, it was already the evening. There was nothing to do except sit and listen to the manic ramblings reverberate off the cold hallways.

The other 5 days were are not something I really want to talk about in detail. It was pretty miserable... I'll just leave it to that. I got patronized and gaslighted by the techs. They frequently mismanaged my medication and gave me the wrong dosages. They stole some of my belongings - some chocolate and money my mom brought for me. Apparently I wasn't allowed to have chocolate or money (which was a lie and I have to get the money reimbursed). The cloths I brought to the hospital were "lost" until I was able to get my parents to advocate for me. I didn't feel comfortable around the other patients because I would get bullied for being transgender. One time a nurse refused to get water for me; apparently that was too inconvenient for her. I never got to enjoy the full amount of "recreational therapy" (an allotted 30 minutes to play in a small gym) because that was the only time nurses would talk to me about my treatment.

I could go on for longer, but I really don't want to. I just need to vent because I feel more alienated and isolated than ever. The world feels like it's shrinking in on me...

 

[FuneralCry]

Those places really sound so horrible to me, it sounds like they just make people suffer even more, I hate how we exist in a society where suicidal people are treat like criminals, it's inhumane.

 

[Mauve87]

I voluntarily went to the ER too, not long ago. Your experience was worse than mine though

I think the worst part is feeling trapped. No access to fresh air. The patients made me question my sanity. I had to listen to their crazy ramblings for weeks, it nearly drove me insane

You ask for help but get mentally tortured instead.
Sorry you had to go through this sh*t... I understand how you feel

 

[Mrpickles]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I've only been in once because of a failed CTB attempt ~15 years ago. You are treated like a criminal. It was basically fake that you're all better and fine just to get out. I don't know a single person who went to the psych ward that got better.

In all fairness to the workers, I'm sure they deal with a lot of difficult people. So, it makes them on edge from being burned in the past. Just wish one of them could see I was different, I wasn't trying to sneak things, manipulate, or anything. Just wanted to be treated like a human by one of them :/.

 

[NoThoughtTooMany]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I've only been in once because of a failed CTB attempt ~15 years ago. You are treated like a criminal. It was basically fake that you're all better and fine just to get out. I don't know a single person who went to the psych ward that got better.

In all fairness to the workers, I'm sure they deal with a lot of difficult people. So, it makes them on edge from being burned in the past. Just wish one of them could see I was different, I wasn't trying to sneak things, manipulate, or anything. Just wanted to be treated like a human by one of them :/.

Yeah, these places don't help people get out whatsoever. I got repeatedly asked three questions which I had to lie my way out of:
"Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself or ending your life?"
"Are you having thoughts of hurting other people?'"
"Are you hearing or seeing things that I can't hear or see?"
As long as I was dishonest they seemed okay with it. I don't have hallucinations, so I didn't have to lie about that last question. However, while I was there, I honestly started to have violent thoughts because of how I was treated. I felt betrayed on such a fundamental level, and I felt like I was being treated as an animal. They didn't care about my mental well-being; just their dogmatic procedures and rules. I re-experienced my childhood of neglect in there.

 

[Ico]

Nothing like having your freedoms stripped away (while enduring horrible abuse) to really rekindle the will to live, huh?

After a "serious" suicide attempt (I was clinically dead, but brought back via CPR...with a side of brain damage from CO2 poisoning), I was locked away for 5 months. The only things I learned were how to be compliant, fake gradual improvement, and lie through my teeth in order to get discharged.

The short term ward wasn't so bad, but the long term facility was a literal hellhole. Now that I have been properly diagnosed with ASD (30 years later), I marvel at the fact that I was able to survive the physical abuse, attempted sexual assaults, and excessive medication long enough to escape.

Of course, I was also cursed with "good" (State) Health Insurance feom my Dad (I was 16)...so, there was little incentive for anyone to help. I saw some truly horrible shit in Yale Psychiatric Institute, which still traumatizes me to this day.

I don't understand what anyone is supposed to gain from being locked up with abjectly dangerous and violent people.

 

[Mrpickles]

Nothing like having your freedoms stripped away (while enduring horrible abuse) to really rekindle the will to live, huh?

After a "serious" suicide attempt (I was clinically dead, but brought back via CPR...with a side of brain damage from CO2 poisoning), I was locked away for 5 months. The only things I learned were how to be compliant, fake gradual improvement, and lie through my teeth in order to get discharged.

The short term ward wasn't so bad, but the long term facility was a literal hellhole. Now that I have been properly diagnosed with ASD (30 years later), I marvel at the fact that I was able to survive the physical abuse, attempted sexual assaults, and excessive medication long enough to escape.

Of course, I was also cursed with "good" (State) Health Insurance feom my Dad (I was 16)...so, there was little incentive for anyone to help. I saw some truly horrible shit in Yale Psychiatric Institute, which still traumatizes me to this day.

I don't understand what anyone is supposed to gain from being locked up with abjectly dangerous and violent people.

Wow, attempted SA? Wtf, that's terrible, I'm so sorry :<. I mean, it's all terrible, but that's a lot of f'd up stuff to deal with, nobody can get better in that environment. The insurance part, I hadn't thought of. There would be lower incentive for you getting better. That's really messed up. I didn't have insurance back then, just got got slapped with a ~200k bill for being flown & in ICU for 2 days. Hope you are doing better.

 

[imreadytogotoday]

Yeah, these places don't help people get out whatsoever. I got repeatedly asked three questions which I had to lie my way out of:
"Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself or ending your life?"
"Are you having thoughts of hurting other people?'"
"Are you hearing or seeing things that I can't hear or see?"
As long as I was dishonest they seemed okay with it. I don't have hallucinations, so I didn't have to lie about that last question. However, while I was there, I honestly started to have violent thoughts because of how I was treated. I felt betrayed on such a fundamental level, and I felt like I was being treated as an animal. They didn't care about my mental well-being; just their dogmatic procedures and rules. I re-experienced my childhood of neglect in there.

I completely agree! I just got out of the psych ward to and just made my first post about my experience. It's amazing having people with shared experiences. I love when they half arsed ask you "any thoughts of self harm or suicide?" Of course I'm going to say NO! but would you really blame me if I did being locked up in here, like seriously! Do you really think this is helping or that anyone in here could be having a good time! And yes! "are you having thoughts of hurting others" - Not usually but I'm starting to think that way about some of the doctors who locked me up in here".

Do you mind if I ask what country are you in? It sounds awful what you went through and worse than my experience. I'm in Australia.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Nothing like having your freedoms stripped away (while enduring horrible abuse) to really rekindle the will to live, huh?

After a "serious" suicide attempt (I was clinically dead, but brought back via CPR...with a side of brain damage from CO2 poisoning), I was locked away for 5 months. The only things I learned were how to be compliant, fake gradual improvement, and lie through my teeth in order to get discharged.

The short term ward wasn't so bad, but the long term facility was a literal hellhole. Now that I have been properly diagnosed with ASD (30 years later), I marvel at the fact that I was able to survive the physical abuse, attempted sexual assaults, and excessive medication long enough to escape.

Of course, I was also cursed with "good" (State) Health Insurance feom my Dad (I was 16)...so, there was little incentive for anyone to help. I saw some truly horrible shit in Yale Psychiatric Institute, which still traumatizes me to this day.

I don't understand what anyone is supposed to gain from being locked up with abjectly dangerous and violent people.

This world is evil and absolute hell.

It's an upsidedown world .

They have everyone believing that if u say u want to commit suicide that you are mentally ill and need to be locked up .

That They locked u up for 5 months and tortured u for no reason , u said physical abuse and attempted sexual abuse. This is unfathomable injustice and evil oppression

I'm not mentally ill . I do want to kill myself. They are the brainwashed ones to think it's wonderful to live in this evil oppressive world as a small animal that can suffer extreme pain. There is no objective reason to live anyway much less under the constant threat of extreme torture as every sentient animal like a human is. We All die anyway there is no reason to prolong the suffering.

But I don't say this to any of them or they'll lock me up in a mental ward

I'll never go to their ER , hospitals , mental hospitals wards never , psychiatrist doctors anything . If I get sick or if they are coming to get me I'll shoot myself with my shotgun

 

[raindrop9]

I understand how you feel, I can relate. I'm sorry you went through that... it sucks. The system is so twisted.

Not too long ago I went to the ER to seek "help" and was put into one of the worst hospitals (with a psych ward, not a stand alone mental hospital) in the state... the ER visit went awful. The stay was traumatizing... I don't want to get into much detail, but it was so bad... in every way.

Not only was the stay awful, but my transition out of the hospital has been critically bad. I was essentially punished for seeking help and continue to be.

Anyway... Easier said then done but my advice to people who check in - if you can, ask/make sure you're sent to a stand alone mental health facility (not a hospital with a ward). That way you'll be allowed to go outside and have fresh air and do recreational activities. There may be more funding, so the food and care may be better. Sign a 5 day as soon as you get there, many don't know about this but you're legally allowed to sign a 5 day, which means they can't keep you more than 5 (business) days without a court order. Weekends do not count as days... why?... I can't think of any valid reason but they don't. So avoid going on a late Thursday evening/Friday morning for example if possible.