It is worth it: precisely for the greatest reason; because it is important to
you. It is what you truly want: and this is valid enough to justify it.
You should try it. You'll find out if it's as good as having one, from adopting it.
When you desire something
this intensely, you'll benefit yourself by trying it out. It may be worth a shot! I think you should consider giving it a spin and see how it goes. There's nothing to lose from it, but much to gain, I would say.
There's something even better than doing things for the sake of any God; because
you genuinely love other people. You don't need to have a God to love others and help each other in the way you want to. God may not be as loving as you thought he was, but you can be
more loving than God, quite easily. Considering the significant amounts of suffering God has not resolved; in comparison, you're better if you even help out others a little bit.
It looks like somewhere within you, you have a
genuine love for people, and a caring sense that you are scared will amount to nothing. You should know, that there are intelligent polymaths in the world, who are genius mathemeticians, excellent writers, and insanely good artists: yet lack an honest love for humanity.
Let's come back to your original post, now.
But... the thing you want to do
isn't maths, writing, or drawing—it's the desire to
love humans and help them out. You don't need a PhD to do that ;)
Anyone who is able to get any kind of help to people, even something as simple as buying a meal or two for homeless people, is capable of
bringing that love, that happiness, to people. The only math you need is to know how much that food is, enough reading to recognize the food label, and only enough drawing for a scrappy diagram of where the food needs to go.
Many people don't go into mathematics and writing and art because they genuinely love people; they love
art primarily, for it's own sake, because
they personally find beauty and accomplishment in it. That's not bad at all, but it's a simple truth that needs to be understood when thinking about why these people do what they do. Poets do not write solely for some grand desire to help people, that could be another reason they find along the way, but most poets write because they like writing poetry. And I am willing to bet that most mathematicians do math because they like it, and that most artists draw because they like drawing. ...You see a pattern here?
Their passion is their craft, while
your passion just might be wanting to help people. And bringing love and real help to people, can easily be an art as valuable as painting.
To a homeless person, a meal that is brought to them, and the peace they find in that; is far more important to them than any profound book or beautiful painting. And that help that is brought to them—and the motivation of the person that is helping them—
is meaningful, and
is beautiful in it's own right. I say, it is wrong to say that helping people is less meaningful than complex art by authors and painters.
There are many things that do not require high-tier skill; just a little practice to get the hang of it enough to be able to get it done.
The desire to understand everything yet feeling strapped for time, is something I've felt as well. In the end, we can't know everything. This is discouraging; but maybe what we're able to know might provide us something beneficial, something that's enough to give us some peace and understanding of what we want, and how we may have it.
There is a saying in Latin.
Scientia potentia est: "Knowledge is power."
But there is another saying in Latin as well.
Omne vincit amor; "Love conquers all."
...
As an autistic person, you might have felt at certain points in your life that you really care about certain things, but the world doesn't care, and the world's apathetic towards it, so it must be worthless, so your fascination must be trash anyway. But that's not true, because other people turning a blind eye to something or ignoring it does not make it worthless. By this logic, homeless people are worthless, but they aren't; they're people too, and it's good to give them love. A justification for this may be "because they are human they deserve love", which reminds me of the philosophical view of Humanism, the idea that everyone is inherently good and that people only become bad because they suffer and have some of their needs deprived. If you wish to read more about this, out of curiosity, here are some wiki articles so you don't have to google them.
"Humanism", RationalWiki |
"Humanism", Wikipedia (rationalwiki article is shorter and clearer, but the wikipedia article has more info.)
You care about love. And you really want to dedicate yourself towards this. This is something you want, and because you want it, it is valid enough for you to choose as the driving force for
your own life. You wanting to do something, is good enough justification for it. Imagine you walk into a bakery shop, and you say "I want this piece of cake.". And the clerk asks "Well, why do you want it?". You might just say "Because I want it! I want that cake! Take my money!". And yes, there
are deeper reasons for you wanting that cake, maybe it looks nice, maybe you're hungry; but those aren't needed to make your desire to buy that cake justified. You want it, and that's enough to justify buying it. And that clerk is in the wrong to ask why anyway, because you demonstrating you want to buy it is a clear expression of your will. This example is just to demonstrate that us wanting to have things is oftentimes more than enough to justify having something. One of the reasons why someone wanting something is
not enough to justify it, is if it hurts someone. But spreading love
helps people, and makes their lives better.
So it helps you, by allowing you to do what you truly want to do, and helps them too, by giving them joy and assistance when they need it. It's a win-win, it can be alright.
I feel you have something you want, something that is not only a good reason to live but an excellent one, and that you should allow yourself to hear this calling within you, and understand you don't need a PhD to fulfill this simple will within you.
I apologize if I misunderstood anything in this post, or if I said anything wrong. I am prone to misunderstanding you here, because unfortunately I can only really view things from my own viewpoint. Feel free to correct me if I got anything wrong about you or the reasons behind your feelings; there are certain things I don't know and can easily misunderstand. I also just wrote this all in one go, so if it seems scattered or overloaded, maybe that's why.
Wishing you all the best. I think you truly
can become someone special, that people will remember like nobody else, and in a
good way, I mean
I hope you're able to achieve satisfaction of what you truly want to do :)
