Venting ”Just Get Help, There’s So Much To Live For“

[lionetta12]

Hi everyone,

I just feel like I need to vent somewhere. I'll try my best to keep it short or make it an easy post to understand and read.

Some of you may have read my story post which is quite long about my life in general, also about how I was abroad last week and how that did not go well.

I've been feeling suicidal on a weekly and often daily basis since childhood, and these past 2 weeks it's been on my mind on an hourly basis, even when I wake up for 5 minutes from nightmares when I sleep. It's the only thing on my mind no matter what I do or who I talk to.

I'm suffering so much and I'm in so much pain. Life feels impossible for me, I just want the pain to go away. I'm a very open person so all my family members and all my friends know that I'm suicidal and about my complex PTSD. I've tried to be open about what I've experienced these past 2 weeks and every response is «get help».

I've been getting «help» for years through therapy. I've had all kinds of therapies there is. I have my last therapist appointments this month because there's just nothing else they can offer me or to try. I feel upset when people say it's as easy as to just go get «help», because not always will that help ever work for you, no matter how much work you put in and how much you try.

I went to my doctor on Monday after I had landed back home on Sunday. I told her how much worse my PTSD symptoms, suicidal thoughs and wishes have become these weeks and I was just told «aw, that's not good». Then I was prescribed more sleep meds, meds that I'm told to take when I have panic attacks so I can go to sleep instead of being awake to deal with them, because they are unbearable right now. What kind of life is it to live where I have to be asleep for 10-15 hours a day to avoid unbearable panic, pain and flash backs? It's not possible to live a normal productive life then. I asked her if I should make a will, she said that it was up to me.

On Thursday, yesterday, I saw my therapist. I told him about the weeks as well and how I'm very suicidal. He didn't want to submit me to hospital because he know how suicidal being in a open unit makes me feel and how I'll check myself out. He don't want to submit me to a closed emergency unit because of all the noise, chaos, uncertainty and uneasy patients they have in there and I agree, that would probably traumatize me even more and cause a lot more panic attacks and triggers.

But the bottom of the line is, I was told there really isn't any options or any help for people like me to get. If I want to go to a PTSD unit, I would have to not be suicidal is what I was told. So in the end, I was told that he hopes I stay alive until next Thursday for our next appointment and thay maybe I will feel that there's something to live for when I retire later this year, but I don't even feel joy or excitement over that. And all my friends and family keep saying is get help. But now I have tried for years and a solid week to get that help and I'm told the help does not really exist for this group of people that I am categorized as.

I'm just frustrated and sad that society is this way and that the health care system is a mess. I just wish there was a way to lessen my pain and to live a normal life. I'm trying hard to find ways to make life bearable to live, and to remove my suicidal thoughs but I don't see any solutions. I now know that I can leave the world knowing that I did everything I could, I really tried, but every odd has been against me and I cannot continue like this any longer.

 

[Zegers]

It must be awful to feel suicidal as a child, i've felt that way for years but i enjoyed some things some years ago.

 

[Ghostofthepast]

It must be awful to feel suicidal as a child, i've felt that way for years but i enjoyed some things some years ago.

It is I was suicidal at 6 years old first attempt at 6 too

 

[wait.what]

I think I understand your frustration. People seem able to understand that not all physical damage to the body can be undone. If you lose an arm, it is not going to grow back. But when the damage is mental or emotional, there's this total unwillingness to believe that there isn't always a fix.

There's this weird conflation of the brain with the mind and the mind with the soul, so somehow admitting that the infant science of psychology isn't actually all that useful is against God, or against whatever somebody's personal reason is for imagining humans are sacred. (They're not particularly sacred. Also, the idea that the mind = the soul comes from the same squad of ancient Greeks who worshipped geometric shapes and were terrified by the square root of 2.)

 

[lachrymost]

So sorry. You've tried so hard. For so many of us the "get help" mantra is such a joke. "There's help out there. It's treatable." Lol. How are those of us who have tried everything supposed to feel?

 

[Justnotme]

It is I was suicidal at 6 years old first attempt at 6 too

It always amazes me when people write that they have had suicidal thoughts since early childhood... It's so strange that children know what suicide is, and even try to die... It seems to me that even at the age of 12 I did not know what suicide was. Therefore, such statements frighten me, because these statements seem to confirm the possibility of reincarnation, and children who know about suicide from an early age and feel that they do not want to live, as if they feel with their soul that the Earth is a terrible place where these children are not born for the first time and you understand That it 's terrible to be human
I hope there will be no reincarnation. Well, or it's just for those who want it. Otherwise it's just a nightmare
But of course reincarnation is just one of the theories

 

[lionetta12]

It always amazes me when people write that they have had suicidal thoughts since early childhood... It's so strange that children know what suicide is, and even try to die... It seems to me that even at the age of 12 I did not know what suicide was. Therefore, such statements frighten me, because these statements seem to confirm the possibility of reincarnation, and children who know about suicide from an early age and feel that they do not want to live, as if they feel with their soul that the Earth is a terrible place where these children are not born for the first time and you understand That it 's terrible to be human
I hope there will be no reincarnation. Well, or it's just for those who want it. Otherwise it's just a nightmare
But of course reincarnation is just one of the theories

I'm not sure, I never believed in reincarnation. I'd think about death when I was 5, that was when I started thinking about how death is just eternal sleep, blackness and nothingness, and it would scare me. But somehow my brain just kept thinking that that's what death is and look like.

I didn't think of suicide until I was 11 though. Death itself didn't scare me anymore, but the idea of experiencing more physical pain when suiciding did, as I was already being abused physically and I couldn't handle any more pain like that.

 

[lionetta12]

So sorry. You've tried so hard. For so many of us the "get help" mantra is such a joke. "There's help out there. It's treatable." Lol. How are those of us who have tried everything supposed to feel?

Exactly, it's just hard to be told the same over and over and for people to assume and judge that I have not tried getting help.

I think I understand your frustration. People seem able to understand that not all physical damage to the body can be undone. If you lose an arm, it is not going to grow back. But when the damage is mental or emotional, there's this total unwillingness to believe that there isn't always a fix.

There's this weird conflation of the brain with the mind and the mind with the soul, so somehow admitting that the infant science of psychology isn't actually all that useful is against God, or against whatever somebody's personal reason is for imagining humans are sacred. (They're not particularly sacred. Also, the idea that the mind = the soul comes from the same squad of ancient Greeks who worshipped geometric shapes and were terrified by the square root of 2.)

Very true. Thank you for your input and for the example, it really explains it nicely.

It is I was suicidal at 6 years old first attempt at 6 too

I'm sorry that you had to go through that at such a young age. I wish we all could have avoided all of this suffering and those kind of experiences, especially at such young ages.

It must be awful to feel suicidal as a child, i've felt that way for years but i enjoyed some things some years ago.

It kind of robs you of your childhood, but that's life sometimes. Life is so unfair and cruel. I'm sorry that we are all in this position now.

 

[Gaga786]

Im so sorry that you had to endure the cruelty of this life. I remember scouring through SS, and I stumbled upon your story. It immediately brought me to tears, because I could resonate and feel your pain. I really am sorry for the pain that you suffered. I wish I could give you an hug and alleviate all of that suffering, but I cannot do much. I wish you find the peace that you yearn. We are all here for you, and I wish you the best!
Additionally, I also didn't have anyone to help me with my homework or school life, so I became the laughing stock of the entire school, including teachers. That part impacted me very deeply. My purpose of sharing this is to let you know that you aren't alone in this messed up world.

 

[Szinuus]

For me it is "There is so much suffering to endure". How the f**k Im supposed to enjoy my life if my body literally tortures me? Im 22 and some dumb-positive people want me to live like this for decades. What kind of life it is?

 

[makethepainstop]

Exactly, it's just hard to be told the same over and over and for people to assume and judge that I have not tried getting help.

Very true. Thank you for your input and for the example, it really explains it nicely.

I'm sorry that you had to go through that at such a young age. I wish we all could have avoided all of this suffering and those kind of experiences, especially at such young ages.

It kind of robs you of your childhood, but that's life sometimes. Life is so unfair and cruel. I'm sorry that we are all in this position now.

Life is so damn wonderful for WHO? Get help for my true feelings? F off is my answer to such stupidity!

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is wrong how people continue to invalidate and dismiss the pain that others go through, I believe that many people don't want to accept the fact that existing really can get that unbearable for some people and I also think that those people want to believe that there is a solution to everything, they clearly are in denial of the cruel and harsh reality of this existence and their privilege allows them to have those views.

But it does sound so horrible what you have to go through, and the unfortunate reality is that there is simply nothing fair about any of this, it's such an awful world where all of this endless torment is even able to exist. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[lionetta12]

Im so sorry that you had to endure the cruelty of this life. I remember scouring through SS, and I stumbled upon your story. It immediately brought me to tears, because I could resonate and feel your pain. I really am sorry for the pain that you suffered. I wish I could give you an hug and alleviate all of that suffering, but I cannot do much. I wish you find the peace that you yearn. We are all here for you, and I wish you the best!
Additionally, I also didn't have anyone to help me with my homework or school life, so I became the laughing stock of the entire school, including teachers. That part impacted me very deeply. My purpose of sharing this is to let you know that you aren't alone in this messed up world.

Thank you for your reply, I'm sorry that you ended up getting teary, I don't want others to experience any of my pain. I wish we could all have less pain and sorrow in our lifes. You don't have to do anything else, the fact that people here read and resonate with what I write is more than enough for me and it helps to know that others have gone through similar experiences and to see how supportive everyone is. I always appreciate it and I wish you the best as well and peace.

I don't feel alone on here and thank you for sharing parts of your story too. I had a good teacher eventually who told me that when you struggle at home, the first thing that will be affected by it is your school performance and so she would always sit down with students who struggled and ask them about how they are doing at home and family wise. I met up with her years after I graduated and gave her a orchid flower plant, along with a hand written thank you letter. I do this with everyone that has helped me in life, it's become some kind of ritual for me.

For me it is "There is so much suffering to endure". How the f**k Im supposed to enjoy my life if my body literally tortures me? Im 22 and some dumb-positive people want me to live like this for decades. What kind of life it is?

Yeah, I've heard that comment from certain people too. I'm sorry that you have to listen to that. Toxic positivity and people with 0 understanding for what this is like, makes my suicidal thoughts a lot worse and remind me of why I don't want to live. I'm alive, but I'm not living a worthy or meaningful life if I have to suffer and experience agony all the time, with no breaks, no ability to relax or to have joy, and when there is no hope for improvement health wise.

Life is so damn wonderful for WHO? Get help for my true feelings? F off is my answer to such stupidity!

Life is wonderful for everyone around me, and I want them to be happy. I just wish that I also could experience happiness and a good life, like everyone else I know. It's a shame that some people want us to suppress our feelings and the way life is for us.

It really is wrong how people continue to invalidate and dismiss the pain that others go through, I believe that many people don't want to accept the fact that existing really can get that unbearable for some people and I also think that those people want to believe that there is a solution to everything, they clearly are in denial of the cruel and harsh reality of this existence and their privilege allows them to have those views.

But it does sound so horrible what you have to go through, and the unfortunate reality is that there is simply nothing fair about any of this, it's such an awful world where all of this endless torment is even able to exist. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

Thank you, I hope you find freedom and peace as well. I wish things didn't have to end up like this, but it did.

 

[Gaga786]

Thank you for your reply, I'm sorry that you ended up getting teary, I don't want others to experience any of my pain. I wish we could all have less pain and sorrow in our lifes. You don't have to do anything else, the fact that people here read and resonate with what I write is more than enough for me and it helps to know that others have gone through similar experiences and to see how supportive everyone is. I always appreciate it and I wish you the best as well and peace.

I don't feel alone on here and thank you for sharing parts of your story too. I had a good teacher eventually who told me that when you struggle at home, the first thing that will be affected by it is your school performance and so she would always sit down with students who struggled and ask them about how they are doing at home and family wise. I met up with her years after I graduated and gave her a orchid flower plant, along with a hand written thank you letter. I do this with everyone that has helped me in life, it's become some kind of ritual for me.

Yeah, I've heard that comment from certain people too. I'm sorry that you have to listen to that. Toxic positivity and people with 0 understanding for what this is like, makes my suicidal thoughts a lot worse and remind me of why I don't want to live. I'm alive, but I'm not living a worthy or meaningful life if I have to suffer and experience agony all the time, with no breaks, no ability to relax or to have joy, and when there is no hope for improvement health wise.

Life is wonderful for everyone around me, and I want them to be happy. I just wish that I also could experience happiness and a good life, like everyone else I know. It's a shame that some people want us to suppress our feelings and the way life is for us.

Thank you, I hope you find freedom and peace as well. I wish things didn't have to end up like this, but it did.

Thank you. That's so kind of you to form that lovely ritual. I apologise, I didn't mean to assume or say that you feel alone on here. Thank you for clarifying that anyway, I appreciate your response. I hope we all get the peace we yearn.

 

[lionetta12]

Thank you. That's so kind of you to form that lovely ritual. I apologise, I didn't mean to assume or say that you feel alone on here. Thank you for clarifying that anyway, I appreciate your response. I hope we all get the peace we yearn.

I plan on ordering and sending some orchids along with hand written letters to the last people that matter to me hours before I CTB, who I never had a chance to give this to before. Hope you get the peace you deserve as well.

 

[Heavenbound]

I'm so sorry that the medical system has failed you. I feel as you do. How can we "get help" when there is no help available?