Venting Just can’t believe this shit

[Mybattle]

I have everything going for me, I am "good looking" my folks are rich. I think many people who see me think I have the best life. But my brain is destroyed by benzo's and although I had some anxiety before, this drug robbed my brain and body of functioning normally. Then when I was trying to get off the stuff they pollydrugged me, then I used some weed to help with withdrawals which gave me a bad trip and something bad happened to my brain. I became depersonalized. Like I lost my sense of self. Very terrifying...

Now I non stop think of CTB, I have experience with psychiatry and they cannot help I tried it all. Tried therapy 1000's of talks... I'm sitting here in the most nice and luxurious places but all my brain is telling me to self destruct. And I know what will happen if I tell a soul. I just can't believe this shit. I have been like this for 5 months(bad trip) and withdrawal of benzo's since a year. My whole brain is fucked up... to anyone here thinking money or looks or anything material will solve your problems it won't to anyone still have their health or their brain semi intact I envy you.

I have been thinking about CBT for a long time now and before I had a great future. One small mistake and you can be gone. And I have a hard time getting to grips with it, but I have only gotten worse not better. Only thing holding me back is fear and the means for a quick and painless way. And the guilt....
When I do CBT no one will ever understand... I tried to explain to my folks but they don't believe in damage by psych drugs. It will be a fucking bombshell in my family, which breaks my heart. I would do anything to go back 6 months. Only a stupid dream I know. But people please if u are still able to function. Fight for your life. Life is not about possessions, what other people think of you, nothing matters but health. Peace of mind. I would give anything to get my mind back even if it means sitting in a shack in the woods for the rest of my life as long as I have peace.

But probably you all would not be here if u had peace of mind.

 

[fisil]

It's suprsingly low amount of time, most hear probably fucked up for years

 

[Mybattle]

It's suprsingly low amount of time, most hear probably fucked up for years

Yep in a blink of an eye I lost my mind

 

[21Neberg]

I tried to explain to my folks but they don't believe in damage by psych drugs.

I'm really sorry for you. May I ask what drugs? I'm getting prescribed antidepressants soon and I'm worried they'll have a negative effect on me.

 

[Mybattle]

I'm really sorry for you. May I ask what drugs? I'm getting prescribed antidepressants soon and I'm worried they'll have a negative effect on me.

Benzo's were the biggest catalyst. I have used AD's too they are less dangerous. But it is not a simple story... actually the nail in the coffin was some weed but because my brain was so sensitive because of the withdrawals it warped my mind because I never had that reaction... trying an AD is pretty safe just be careful coming off them don't make sudden dose changes. Taper up and down slowly...

 

[Boonks]

I feel for you. My brain is fucked too, because of psychiatric drugs and weed. I'd give up anything to go back to 6 months ago, when I had my health and a truly great life. After the accident and hospitalization, I've become depersonalized and obsessed with suicide. I'm trapped and I can't breathe from here. Why did this have to happen to me.

 

[Mybattle]

I feel for you. My brain is fucked too, because of psychiatric drugs and weed. I'd give up anything to go back to 6 months ago, when I had my health and a truly great life. After the accident and hospitalization, I've become depersonalized and obsessed with suicide. I'm trapped and I can't breathe from here. Why did this have to happen to me.

Im so sorry dude, I really am... I wish you strength and peace <3

 

[Ready2Die777]

I have recovered from the same thing you are going through. LSD use, spice, Xanax, MDMA, shroom, cannabis and alcohol. Though I am still smoking cannabis and drinking to dissacosiate from realty.

 

[Mybattle]

I have recovered from the same thing you are going through. LSD use, spice, Xanax, MDMA, shroom, cannabis and alcohol. Though I am still smoking cannabis and drinking to dissacosiate from realty.

You want to dissociate I want to feel normal and not think like I just arrived on this planet. But thats impossible when withdrawing from this garbage.... You had depersonalisation too? Because the anxiety and depression was doable this is on another level

 

[Final_frontier]

You want to dissociate I want to feel normal and not think like I just arrived on this planet. But thats impossible when withdrawing from this garbage.... You had depersonalisation too? Because the anxiety and depression was doable this is on another level

I've had depersonalization too but it came from extreme amounts of anxiety not drugs and I can say, it's hard to live like that. It starts as a relief from the anxiety and turns into a worse nightmare. The feeling that this world is not real gives you an immediate urge to CTB, not that depression won't.

 

[Mybattle]

I've had depersonalization too but it came from extreme amounts of anxiety not drugs and I can say, it's hard to live like that. It starts as a relief from the anxiety and turns into a worse nightmare. The feeling that this world is not real gives you an immediate urge to CTB, not that depression won't.

Did it go away?

 

[Final_frontier]

Did it go away?

It did. When the anxiety came under control. It was this dream-like feeling like all this reality was actually a dream and I'm actually on some other planet sleeping and having this dream. The frequency of these episodes started to reduce gradually. I'd still get it in extremely anxious states.

 

[Pentobartbital]

I empathise with you completely. Months ago I was not living so much as dreaming: what life would have been like if I wasn't taken off my SNRI, how productive I'd be, how I'd still be enjoying life, making plans to do something with myself. A year ago I was working and felt almost satisfied with life.

Can't enjoy cannabis either. The last time I tried I got horrible shakes all over my body, something I never experienced before.

I only saw the blank plastered walls of depressingly low-income clinics. Staff are just as clueless. Not a day passes that I feel like going outside into the forest and letting nature take its slow, horrifyingly awful course.

Mum keeps telling me that I "need to see a doctor." Someone I once considered very close only discounted my experience because she and her family were on a different drug for not nearly long enough as I was. When I make any mention of euthanasia or stern intention to catch the figurative bus, I'm written off or told that I'm sick in the head. I feel like telling detractors "you try taking what I did for six years and come off it in the absolute worst way humanly possible" yet I know there's no convincing them. Much like anything else, once someone has their opinion set on a matter it's difficult to change and frankly not worth the effort.

You are not alone, Mybattle. It makes me sick we have to discuss our iatrogenesis on a suicide forum without fear of reprisal, being accused of fearmongering or pushed into the dustbin of pharmaceutical conspiracy theories or be likened to anti-vaccination activists. Regardless I'm thankful we have some kind of platform in which we are able to share and discuss our reasoning for departure, avoidable as it should have been.

 

[dmoroden]

I have everything going for me, I am "good looking" my folks are rich. I think many people who see me think I have the best life. But my brain is destroyed by benzo's and although I had some anxiety before, this drug robbed my brain and body of functioning normally. Then when I was trying to get off the stuff they pollydrugged me, then I used some weed to help with withdrawals which gave me a bad trip and something bad happened to my brain. I became depersonalized. Like I lost my sense of self. Very terrifying...

Now I non stop think of CTB, I have experience with psychiatry and they cannot help I tried it all. Tried therapy 1000's of talks... I'm sitting here in the most nice and luxurious places but all my brain is telling me to self destruct. And I know what will happen if I tell a soul. I just can't believe this shit. I have been like this for 5 months(bad trip) and withdrawal of benzo's since a year. My whole brain is fucked up... to anyone here thinking money or looks or anything material will solve your problems it won't to anyone still have their health or their brain semi intact I envy you.

I have been thinking about CBT for a long time now and before I had a great future. One small mistake and you can be gone. And I have a hard time getting to grips with it, but I have only gotten worse not better. Only thing holding me back is fear and the means for a quick and painless way. And the guilt....
When I do CBT no one will ever understand... I tried to explain to my folks but they don't believe in damage by psych drugs. It will be a fucking bombshell in my family, which breaks my heart. I would do anything to go back 6 months. Only a stupid dream I know. But people please if u are still able to function. Fight for your life. Life is not about possessions, what other people think of you, nothing matters but health. Peace of mind. I would give anything to get my mind back even if it means sitting in a shack in the woods for the rest of my life as long as I have peace.

But probably you all would not be here if u had peace of mind.

Have you tried it? about siting in a shack in the woods for some time? maybe a week or two... or even a month if you have to. Maybe you need to try that and observe how do you feel about it.

 

[Mybattle]

Have you tried it? about siting in a shack in the woods for some time? maybe a week or two... or even a month if you have to. Maybe you need to try that and observe how do you feel about it.

No I havent, my anxiety right now is out of this world I cannot leave the house alone. I can barely make it out my house. But when you are in this mindstate no place in the world will make a difference.. It all goes on in the mind..

 

[Final_frontier]

This shows how ignorant and barbaric psychiatry and modern medicine in general is about the intricacies of the human body. But "scientists" are too arrogant to accept that, aren't they? "Here's this new drug receptor we found. Let's adminster this toxic compound and activate it to see what happens." A psychiatrist meddling with the human brain is like a 4 year old sitting in the cockpit of a spaceship and playing with the controls.

 

[dmoroden]

No I havent, my anxiety right now is out of this world I cannot leave the house alone. I can barely make it out my house. But when you are in this mindstate no place in the world will make a difference.. It all goes on in the mind..

I understand... i struggle a lot to go out my house too... i also had a time when i couldnt go out. Youre right, it all goes in the mind... but i think the mind can change a little depending on where and with who you are...

i think that for some reason you thought about the possibilty of finding peace alone in the woods... and i think that if there is even a little chance of that being real, you should go for it...

A few months back i did something i never thought i would do... i traveled really far away (to another continent), alone, disconected from everyone and everything... It was just a 8 days travel... just by myself, alone, with a rented car and the highway... i never felt so in peace... and i think it was because where i was (half world away from my problems) and with who i was (no one that knows me)...

Hope you find the strengh to go for every little chance you think you may have of finding peace.

 

[Final_frontier]

No I havent, my anxiety right now is out of this world I cannot leave the house alone. I can barely make it out my house. But when you are in this mindstate no place in the world will make a difference.. It all goes on in the mind..

How severe is your deperzonalisation? Is it stemming from your anxiety? Do you feel that SS itself and these posts are not real?

 

[Mybattle]

How severe is your deperzonalisation? Is it stemming from your anxiety? Do you feel that SS itself and these posts are not real?

No I actually dont really have the feeling I am dreaming which is more like derealisation, I more feel like I am not me anymore, or a different me... Its stemming from very intense long term anxiety from benzo withdrawal and on top of that a bad weed trip which alone can trigger this shit...

 

[Jenna]

I know I'm a broken record about this but that is the reason I am here too. When you don't have your mind no one gets it. I was never offered side effect Information when I accepted the prescription. The problem is too is I bet you don't look ill. I am so sorry and broken hearted you find yourself in this position too.

 

[Final_frontier]

No I actually dont really have the feeling I am dreaming which is more like derealisation, I more feel like I am not me anymore, or a different me... Its stemming from very intense long term anxiety from benzo withdrawal and on top of that a bad weed trip which alone can trigger this shit...

Oh, then what I was talking about was "derealization", my bad. But, I guess these are related.

 

[GeorgeJL]

I have everything going for me, I am "good looking" my folks are rich. I think many people who see me think I have the best life. But my brain is destroyed by benzo's and although I had some anxiety before, this drug robbed my brain and body of functioning normally. Then when I was trying to get off the stuff they pollydrugged me, then I used some weed to help with withdrawals which gave me a bad trip and something bad happened to my brain. I became depersonalized. Like I lost my sense of self. Very terrifying...

Now I non stop think of CTB, I have experience with psychiatry and they cannot help I tried it all. Tried therapy 1000's of talks... I'm sitting here in the most nice and luxurious places but all my brain is telling me to self destruct. And I know what will happen if I tell a soul. I just can't believe this shit. I have been like this for 5 months(bad trip) and withdrawal of benzo's since a year. My whole brain is fucked up... to anyone here thinking money or looks or anything material will solve your problems it won't to anyone still have their health or their brain semi intact I envy you.

I have been thinking about CBT for a long time now and before I had a great future. One small mistake and you can be gone. And I have a hard time getting to grips with it, but I have only gotten worse not better. Only thing holding me back is fear and the means for a quick and painless way. And the guilt....
When I do CBT no one will ever understand... I tried to explain to my folks but they don't believe in damage by psych drugs. It will be a fucking bombshell in my family, which breaks my heart. I would do anything to go back 6 months. Only a stupid dream I know. But people please if u are still able to function. Fight for your life. Life is not about possessions, what other people think of you, nothing matters but health. Peace of mind. I would give anything to get my mind back even if it means sitting in a shack in the woods for the rest of my life as long as I have peace.

But probably you all would not be here if u had peace of mind.

I've dealt with severe depression and depersonalization. I got over it all with time and medications. Now I take amitriptyline and some OTC sleeping meds and I'm so much better these days. But I still have N just in case I need it, but hopefully I won't have to use it until I'm an old man.

 

[PeacePlease]

Hi, @Mybattle I am going through the same now :c. I lost my mind to psychiatric drugs I've been for 2.5 years like this, I only took 1 single antidepressant and now I'm like this . I feel like my soul was taken out of my body and I don't know who I am anymore. I wish so many times I could go back in time and tell myself not to ever take this drugs. I feel I became stupid, my mind won't work the same, I lost the ability to love or feel loved. Cbt is the only way I find to get out of this hell, my body keeps on existing. But I am dead inside.