LadyApple
We just want to go home early.
- Feb 17, 2020
- 117
I've been having serious suicidal thoughts for the past week started last Saturday, when I suddenly burst into tears mumbling to the ether "please, someone, help me." No one is answering. Life is fragile. We don't need a ton of trauma, just one thing could destroy you. I've been dealing with this for the past decade. It never got better. No matter how hard I try. Not only was I having the thoughts but I was already acting on it. Every single morning when I woke up, the first thing came to my mind was "I want to kill myself".
I bought a carbon monoxide alarm and a portable grill. I had so much peace in mind that I could get SN online. I asked my attorney casually what happens to my assets if any "accidents" happen to me and got my answer. This was not the first time when I took action. I was 15 when I did it the first time. Mom said something mean to me the previous night, made me felt more worthless. I was failing at school. I had all these big dreams like going to Harvard but knew it wasn't happening. Those good old days, valium was still readily available OTC. I went to the local store and bought a bottle. I took all 150 pills. I remembered man, those were a lot of pills, felt like I was eating a bowl of cereal. I took them without any regrets or fear. I was so dead determined.
The second day was a Saturday so I didn't need to wake up early for school. I thought I would be dead for sure. Somehow my mom came into my room 7 in the morning and found me and was crying over my half-dead body. I woke up to a tube coming out of my esophagus. I felt numb. I was forced to come to this world by my mom, twice. Nobody was talking about it after. Mostly because it must be a hard subject to deal with.
The thing about suicide is, once you attempt it stays in you. I tried two times after that but none was successful, mostly because I was young and dumb. The reason was probably the endless school, exams, and competition. 16 years later I became an adult and hustling in New York, and here I am again. Life did get better in general perceptions but at what fucking expense? I lost a child and was never loved again.
So last night in the class, my pen wasn't working. I was struggling to take notes with it but no ink was coming out. I turned around and saw a classmate walked all the way to his backpack in the back looking for something. Then he brought me a pen. He noticed. I kept cool and thanked him, but inside I felt this overwhelming gratitude that I wasn't worth it. I spent the next 30 minutes or so thinking how should I thank him. Another voice in me told me to calm down, it was just a pen. I've been alone and lonely for too long and a small act of kindness makes me not know what to do.
My condo was going through some renovations by the developer's company and they placed me in a nearby hotel at no cost of me. Today I checked out and the hotel bill was $852.53. I was stunned. Someone other than my parents would spend that much money on me. Do I really deserve it? I bought a bunch of roses on my way home from the hotel. They even sent a cleaning crew to clean my place. The manager said they don't normally do this but they are doing it because they like me. I was like crap now I can't die in my place. I can't do that to them.
Then the cleaning crew came. Three ladies and one young guy. They were so nice and worked so hard. One lady kneed down to clean my bathtub and toilet. The other two ladies were cleaning my bedroom and kitchen. The young gentleman was mopping my floor. He told me to let them know if there's anywhere I would like them to clean in addition to the fabulous work they were already doing. He said they were here to make sure my place was spotless. The ladies didn't speak any English and they just smile at me, bright like sunshine.
They worked so hard. They fought so hard for life. My house was never cleaner and I felt overwhelmingly humble. I burst into tears again after they left. I just don't feel like I deserve all this. I can't die in my apartment now. I can't do this to all those nice people. My fucking roses just bloomed. They never bloomed before from any store I bought. The universe always does this to me. Whenever I'm serious about suicide it will trick me to stay. If I'm going to die, draw every blood out of this pathetic life to help the world before then. I want to help other people. Maybe go to one of those rural villages in Asia to help the kids there. I don't know. Will figure something out.
But I know it will come back. For those of you who are unsure or feeling too much fear then you are not ready. For me, the first time when I did it I was so deadly serious that I felt no fear, calm if anything, and I know it will come back to haunt me again. I don't know when but when it does, I will have all my materials ready to go.
I want to end this post by paying tribute to all the disappearing authors of the threads. Two I discovered so far, Fister ( Nitrogen bag ) and Martin8383 ( SN ). Life has done some horrible things to you and it was never your fault. I'm not pro-life. Life is meaningless and you can choose to give or not to give it a meaning. Just because the party goes until 2 am doesn't mean you have to stay till then. If you are tired you go home early. I hope all you beautiful souls are already found your way home. Sending you endless love and one day I will be there too. I wish a peaceful journey to every living thing on this planet earth.
I bought a carbon monoxide alarm and a portable grill. I had so much peace in mind that I could get SN online. I asked my attorney casually what happens to my assets if any "accidents" happen to me and got my answer. This was not the first time when I took action. I was 15 when I did it the first time. Mom said something mean to me the previous night, made me felt more worthless. I was failing at school. I had all these big dreams like going to Harvard but knew it wasn't happening. Those good old days, valium was still readily available OTC. I went to the local store and bought a bottle. I took all 150 pills. I remembered man, those were a lot of pills, felt like I was eating a bowl of cereal. I took them without any regrets or fear. I was so dead determined.
The second day was a Saturday so I didn't need to wake up early for school. I thought I would be dead for sure. Somehow my mom came into my room 7 in the morning and found me and was crying over my half-dead body. I woke up to a tube coming out of my esophagus. I felt numb. I was forced to come to this world by my mom, twice. Nobody was talking about it after. Mostly because it must be a hard subject to deal with.
The thing about suicide is, once you attempt it stays in you. I tried two times after that but none was successful, mostly because I was young and dumb. The reason was probably the endless school, exams, and competition. 16 years later I became an adult and hustling in New York, and here I am again. Life did get better in general perceptions but at what fucking expense? I lost a child and was never loved again.
So last night in the class, my pen wasn't working. I was struggling to take notes with it but no ink was coming out. I turned around and saw a classmate walked all the way to his backpack in the back looking for something. Then he brought me a pen. He noticed. I kept cool and thanked him, but inside I felt this overwhelming gratitude that I wasn't worth it. I spent the next 30 minutes or so thinking how should I thank him. Another voice in me told me to calm down, it was just a pen. I've been alone and lonely for too long and a small act of kindness makes me not know what to do.
My condo was going through some renovations by the developer's company and they placed me in a nearby hotel at no cost of me. Today I checked out and the hotel bill was $852.53. I was stunned. Someone other than my parents would spend that much money on me. Do I really deserve it? I bought a bunch of roses on my way home from the hotel. They even sent a cleaning crew to clean my place. The manager said they don't normally do this but they are doing it because they like me. I was like crap now I can't die in my place. I can't do that to them.
Then the cleaning crew came. Three ladies and one young guy. They were so nice and worked so hard. One lady kneed down to clean my bathtub and toilet. The other two ladies were cleaning my bedroom and kitchen. The young gentleman was mopping my floor. He told me to let them know if there's anywhere I would like them to clean in addition to the fabulous work they were already doing. He said they were here to make sure my place was spotless. The ladies didn't speak any English and they just smile at me, bright like sunshine.
They worked so hard. They fought so hard for life. My house was never cleaner and I felt overwhelmingly humble. I burst into tears again after they left. I just don't feel like I deserve all this. I can't die in my apartment now. I can't do this to all those nice people. My fucking roses just bloomed. They never bloomed before from any store I bought. The universe always does this to me. Whenever I'm serious about suicide it will trick me to stay. If I'm going to die, draw every blood out of this pathetic life to help the world before then. I want to help other people. Maybe go to one of those rural villages in Asia to help the kids there. I don't know. Will figure something out.
But I know it will come back. For those of you who are unsure or feeling too much fear then you are not ready. For me, the first time when I did it I was so deadly serious that I felt no fear, calm if anything, and I know it will come back to haunt me again. I don't know when but when it does, I will have all my materials ready to go.
I want to end this post by paying tribute to all the disappearing authors of the threads. Two I discovered so far, Fister ( Nitrogen bag ) and Martin8383 ( SN ). Life has done some horrible things to you and it was never your fault. I'm not pro-life. Life is meaningless and you can choose to give or not to give it a meaning. Just because the party goes until 2 am doesn't mean you have to stay till then. If you are tired you go home early. I hope all you beautiful souls are already found your way home. Sending you endless love and one day I will be there too. I wish a peaceful journey to every living thing on this planet earth.
