Just another whiny post

[darkenmydoorstep]

This is just another whiny post.
A 'I wish I had the guts to do it', 'I hate my life', 'it's so fucking unfair' rant.
I know.
And as I say it I hate myself for being so predictable, weak and pathetic for failing to get myself to where I want to be. Dead.
I hate being a mother but yet I chose it. My problem (my son) is all of my own making.
I can't leave him, he's nearly 12 but yet he's so physically aggressive and abusive on a daily basis that I shudder at how I will complete his childhood. Sometimes I just wish he'd murder me, take a big knife and stab me through the heart or push me in front of a train.
I can't leave yet. If I did it would just haunt me that I was a bad mother for leaving her kid, yet to stay just seems like a sentence to hell. That's why death feels like my only option. But everything is so painful or not idiot proof. I know I'd need up in a worst state than I already am.
So here I stay, forever bloody whining .

 

[paintedbutterfly676]

Everyone needs time to whine, as you put it. You have decided you need to live, so you need a place to blow off steam for what you are putting up with. That is alright, there is nothing wrong with that. There will always be people here to listen. Is there anyone who can help take some of the burden of home life away?

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

I haven't decided I need to live.
If it were pain free and guaranteed to work, I'd be out of here. He would be fine with his dad. But i just can't bring myself to try it and risk messing it up.
knowing my luck, that's what would happen.

 

[SmollMushroom]

This is just another whiny post.
A 'I wish I had the guts to do it', 'I hate my life', 'it's so fucking unfair' rant.
I know.
And as I say it I hate myself for being so predictable, weak and pathetic for failing to get myself to where I want to be. Dead.
I hate being a mother but yet I chose it. My problem (my son) is all of my own making.
I can't leave him, he's nearly 12 but yet he's so physically aggressive and abusive on a daily basis that I shudder at how I will complete his childhood. Sometimes I just wish he'd murder me, take a big knife and stab me through the heart or push me in front of a train.
I can't leave yet. If I did it would just haunt me that I was a bad mother for leaving her kid, yet to stay just seems like a sentence to hell. That's why death feels like my only option. But everything is so painful or not idiot proof. I know I'd need up in a worst state than I already am.
So here I stay, forever bloody whining .

Have you tried therapy? Not for you, but for your son. If he's so aggressive, maybe that could help him and help you as well.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

He's had meds, two lots of therapy, goes to a special school….
It's all done zilch. Or maybe it has. Maybe it would be even worse had he not done. Goodness knows.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Everyone needs time to whine, as you put it. You have decided you need to live, so you need a place to blow off steam for what you are putting up with. That is alright, there is nothing wrong with that. There will always be people here to listen. Is there anyone who can help take some of the burden of home life away?

Thank you, lovely. His dad lives with us but it's not a relationship I want to be in. He is addicted to weed and drink. It's all a big mess.