Lonerzepam
O'lord! I Have My Doubts
- Sep 2, 2022
- 620
I'll just write what's on my mind from everyday life of mine not that anyone would care..
Everyday I wake up I wanns go to sleep again. I'm forcing myself through the day not to kms. Today I saw a random coffin at a church funeral just passing by and it scared the shit out of me tbh. I've never thought I would become such a miserable living dead walking benzo zombie. Not in a million years. I've become what I hate. I've became that type of person sitting in the back of the bus, driving from bus stop to bus stop without a goal or direction while nodding in and out on smack all the time to just not feel any kind of sense. People tend to avoid me and I don't blame them not that I would give the slightest fuck anyways, idc anymore I don't want to have new people or things in my "life" but it just breaks my heart everytime to see them living a decent happy life while I'm crawling around miserable just wanting to end it all but being too much of a coward pussy to actually do so.
There isn't a moment during the day where I'm not thinking of throwing myself under a driving bus or truck heads first to finally crush me and this horrible pointless existence to dust. I don't even listen to any new music anymore cuz like I said I don't wanna have new thungs in my life. Just listening to suicideboys 24/7 which helps me to cope and relate but also makes me more suicidal at the time I'm just a walking paradox nothing else. My ribs cache feel completly empty since years and I'm just so fucking exhausted to do this every fucking day since I got this torture neurological illness called hppd which stands for hallucinogenic persistent perception disorder or handycapped piss prick degenerate if you prefer that. Thank god for big pharma fucking my brain up with their lousy SSRIs and antipsychotics so many ruined lifes because of you fucking psychiatrists throwing your shitty psych prescriptions around like it was candy. Thanks for ruining my whole life turning me to a complete junkie fucking arrogant doctors. I haven't met a doctor not acting completly arrogant on their high horse thinking they would have the wisdom of god and walking around like angels in their pretty white coats. I can't take any of them serious anymore these god damn soul and dream crushers. It seems like I'm cursed or something. I'm not a bad person. I don't deserve this. I wouldn't even wish that to my worst enemy. Yet here I am. The only thing by now getting me out of the house on a walk is me checking on dead drops for my H to arrive which hopefully will be by tomorrow I have to numb myself the fuck out of it. I'll probably also use it to ctb if I finally build up the courage for it. I just always see my sister crying and breaking down on her knees at my funeral so this adds up to it why I'm still here. But ofcourse no one sees me suffering like that cuz this fucking illness is invisible even on things like a CT or MRT it's like the devil. I plan on ODing on H and benzos but I'm scared to do so and to fuck it up leaving me even braindamaged more to the point where I can't even speak or move. That's why I considered Pegasus while I still have the ability to do so. I also had 1kg of SN but my brother found and took it away from me. So that's not an option anymore.
Concerning pegasus it costs 10 fucking K just to die...and I'm 7k in debts. I'm on disability for a few more months and get money from the state. I just hope it'll add up eventually. I also considered drg dealing but I just went to court and luckily I didn't went to prison.
My bladder's hurting really bad cuz of one year of chronic ketamine abuse. Just to dissociate myself out of this fucking nightmare you know. I've already had countless overdoses and near death experiences but I'm still scared of death itself actually wtf. And people on here just seem to pull that of like it was a walk to the grocery store or something similar. When I walk around in a grocery store it's like being hit in your testicles every second seeing all those good drinks & food knowing my brain can't even process too much sugar without it making my vision worse so I just steal some things and give them to my sister or strangers just to have a thrill out of it. Also seeing all my friends moving on in life, smoking weed, having fun and then there's this white trash which is me who got dealt really bad cards for real. But I can't blame everything on other people I also went down that road myself I have to admit that. But it doesn't change how it is now. Atleast I also had some good moments and times in life. Not everyone can say that. But now it's just living hell. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow hoping to get fucked up on brown junk smack H. I'll probably try to get the highest I can get before I overdose and die like always but this time I would have more than enough to OD 20 times or so. I know CTB is the best option by now but I'm still scared and dunno. And everyday I have to pretend everything's fine...I hope it won't be long by now. Lost my job, my love and my life due to this illness. I should just leave it all behind and go already...
Anyways just needed to get some things out somewhere I know you guys care I just was a bit melodramatic when I said no one would cuz I'm just tired of all this bs you know. Tired of life...and if I finally manage to ctb I can also link this thread in my whatsapp status so my sister could read this and hopefully understand somehow, knowing I don't have to suffer like that nomore. Love yall
Everyday I wake up I wanns go to sleep again. I'm forcing myself through the day not to kms. Today I saw a random coffin at a church funeral just passing by and it scared the shit out of me tbh. I've never thought I would become such a miserable living dead walking benzo zombie. Not in a million years. I've become what I hate. I've became that type of person sitting in the back of the bus, driving from bus stop to bus stop without a goal or direction while nodding in and out on smack all the time to just not feel any kind of sense. People tend to avoid me and I don't blame them not that I would give the slightest fuck anyways, idc anymore I don't want to have new people or things in my "life" but it just breaks my heart everytime to see them living a decent happy life while I'm crawling around miserable just wanting to end it all but being too much of a coward pussy to actually do so.
There isn't a moment during the day where I'm not thinking of throwing myself under a driving bus or truck heads first to finally crush me and this horrible pointless existence to dust. I don't even listen to any new music anymore cuz like I said I don't wanna have new thungs in my life. Just listening to suicideboys 24/7 which helps me to cope and relate but also makes me more suicidal at the time I'm just a walking paradox nothing else. My ribs cache feel completly empty since years and I'm just so fucking exhausted to do this every fucking day since I got this torture neurological illness called hppd which stands for hallucinogenic persistent perception disorder or handycapped piss prick degenerate if you prefer that. Thank god for big pharma fucking my brain up with their lousy SSRIs and antipsychotics so many ruined lifes because of you fucking psychiatrists throwing your shitty psych prescriptions around like it was candy. Thanks for ruining my whole life turning me to a complete junkie fucking arrogant doctors. I haven't met a doctor not acting completly arrogant on their high horse thinking they would have the wisdom of god and walking around like angels in their pretty white coats. I can't take any of them serious anymore these god damn soul and dream crushers. It seems like I'm cursed or something. I'm not a bad person. I don't deserve this. I wouldn't even wish that to my worst enemy. Yet here I am. The only thing by now getting me out of the house on a walk is me checking on dead drops for my H to arrive which hopefully will be by tomorrow I have to numb myself the fuck out of it. I'll probably also use it to ctb if I finally build up the courage for it. I just always see my sister crying and breaking down on her knees at my funeral so this adds up to it why I'm still here. But ofcourse no one sees me suffering like that cuz this fucking illness is invisible even on things like a CT or MRT it's like the devil. I plan on ODing on H and benzos but I'm scared to do so and to fuck it up leaving me even braindamaged more to the point where I can't even speak or move. That's why I considered Pegasus while I still have the ability to do so. I also had 1kg of SN but my brother found and took it away from me. So that's not an option anymore.
Concerning pegasus it costs 10 fucking K just to die...and I'm 7k in debts. I'm on disability for a few more months and get money from the state. I just hope it'll add up eventually. I also considered drg dealing but I just went to court and luckily I didn't went to prison.
My bladder's hurting really bad cuz of one year of chronic ketamine abuse. Just to dissociate myself out of this fucking nightmare you know. I've already had countless overdoses and near death experiences but I'm still scared of death itself actually wtf. And people on here just seem to pull that of like it was a walk to the grocery store or something similar. When I walk around in a grocery store it's like being hit in your testicles every second seeing all those good drinks & food knowing my brain can't even process too much sugar without it making my vision worse so I just steal some things and give them to my sister or strangers just to have a thrill out of it. Also seeing all my friends moving on in life, smoking weed, having fun and then there's this white trash which is me who got dealt really bad cards for real. But I can't blame everything on other people I also went down that road myself I have to admit that. But it doesn't change how it is now. Atleast I also had some good moments and times in life. Not everyone can say that. But now it's just living hell. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow hoping to get fucked up on brown junk smack H. I'll probably try to get the highest I can get before I overdose and die like always but this time I would have more than enough to OD 20 times or so. I know CTB is the best option by now but I'm still scared and dunno. And everyday I have to pretend everything's fine...I hope it won't be long by now. Lost my job, my love and my life due to this illness. I should just leave it all behind and go already...
Anyways just needed to get some things out somewhere I know you guys care I just was a bit melodramatic when I said no one would cuz I'm just tired of all this bs you know. Tired of life...and if I finally manage to ctb I can also link this thread in my whatsapp status so my sister could read this and hopefully understand somehow, knowing I don't have to suffer like that nomore. Love yall
