Been lurking for a while finally decided to make an account to say hi and say my thing.
Hi. I don't have any plans to CTB soon. I have a loving family, without any health problems, currently successfully attending a professional school with solid job future making plenty of money to live on my own in a field that I greatly enjoy... But, I've wanted to be dead since I was 8 or 9- a vivid memory from my childhood includes imagining my body hanging from the middle of my room thinking what it'd be like for my parents to walk into that. My dream growing up was to die saving someone. Went through middle/high school without much thought about my future because I didn't want to live past my 20s. I can't bring myself to trust anyone or show love to anyone so I can only seem myself alone until end of my life even though my parents are trying to set me up with guys for marriage. Well, here I am in my late 20s with every year alive dreading living into the next year. Every year I'm alive I feel like another thing inside me is breaking and more and more of myself stops functioning.
All that to say, I can't bring myself to CTB because I can't put my family through that and I'm a coward. But I appreciate this website. Seeing others be relieved from this world brings me a bit of relief I guess, and the knowledge of how to CTB makes me feel like there's still a way out. I may not seem to have any reason to CTB but I feel like that just means that maybe for some people, you know, wanting to CTB isn't only due to some massive traumatic event that people need to fix and help out recovering from- human lives are destructive and corrosive and sometimes it's just better off not existing. I'll be counting down days for my parents to die so that I can disappear from everyone's lives and maybe finally CTB after all these years. Until then, I respect and envy you folks who have and will be CTB soon. I hope everyone a peaceful relief.
Hi. I don't have any plans to CTB soon. I have a loving family, without any health problems, currently successfully attending a professional school with solid job future making plenty of money to live on my own in a field that I greatly enjoy... But, I've wanted to be dead since I was 8 or 9- a vivid memory from my childhood includes imagining my body hanging from the middle of my room thinking what it'd be like for my parents to walk into that. My dream growing up was to die saving someone. Went through middle/high school without much thought about my future because I didn't want to live past my 20s. I can't bring myself to trust anyone or show love to anyone so I can only seem myself alone until end of my life even though my parents are trying to set me up with guys for marriage. Well, here I am in my late 20s with every year alive dreading living into the next year. Every year I'm alive I feel like another thing inside me is breaking and more and more of myself stops functioning.
All that to say, I can't bring myself to CTB because I can't put my family through that and I'm a coward. But I appreciate this website. Seeing others be relieved from this world brings me a bit of relief I guess, and the knowledge of how to CTB makes me feel like there's still a way out. I may not seem to have any reason to CTB but I feel like that just means that maybe for some people, you know, wanting to CTB isn't only due to some massive traumatic event that people need to fix and help out recovering from- human lives are destructive and corrosive and sometimes it's just better off not existing. I'll be counting down days for my parents to die so that I can disappear from everyone's lives and maybe finally CTB after all these years. Until then, I respect and envy you folks who have and will be CTB soon. I hope everyone a peaceful relief.
You can still belong here, and it's wonderful to have you.
