Venting Just another example of forever alone and more the reason for CTB

[TAW122]

Last night, I had an realization that I am really forever alone at least IRL. Outside of my family, I really have basically no one who truly cares about me. I guess in some weird sense it is liberating because that means my CTB'ing would have less impact or almost none at all on them (other than pro-life rhetoric stating that they would be sad at my passing - thus they are selfish and egotistical). Of course though I have many other reasons and when I CTB, it wouldn't be impulsive or based on a singular reason or cause. Chances are that when I CTB, it would be due to a catalyst, but don't mistake or confuse it as being impulsive as I have thoroughly planned to die many years ago and still wish to die (only waiting to finish some things, the right time, and opportunity to come.).

So ever since I moved back to my parents' home (for the time being), so far, maybe only one or two people initiated contact with me (without me having to contact them) and as for the other ones, once I'm moved or am no longer around them, they stopped contacting me. As for the two people that did, it was rather once in a blue moon more than anything and rather not that close. Sometimes if I initiate contact, they may respond, but that's about all there is... Maybe this is normal or not, but I have seen that other people don't usually treat others like that but are more inclusive and accepting of them.

Another thing I despise is being treated like a child, patronized, or condescended towards. This isn't the first time and won't likely be the last time and 99% of my interactions and relationships with people (outside of family) seem to be like this. I am simply just not well-liked or welcome, which only makes sense for me to not be a part of the society that ostracizes and rejects me, let alone not exist in this shitty world.

Don't get me wrong, I am not simply CTB'ing because I lack friends or a support system or anything of that nature. I've pretty much made up my mind before (considering I have dozens more reasons, some of which are even stronger than now), but this just further reinforces my decision of CTB'ing at the end. Think of this like CTB-fuel (things that push me closer to CTB'ing).

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Yeah I hate professionals treating me like a child when I've probably already forgotten more than they've learned.
Do you still have your family though?

 

[TAW122]

Yeah I do, though things are a bit strained atm. I also don't want to hint at CTB'ing because I don't want intervention or to raise any red flags.

 

[waterbottleman]

I'm forever alone-ish, but I visit sex workers from time to time so I'm not celibate. I've gone through my whole adult life being single, unwanted, unnoticed, rejected.

However there's an option to fix that, it just takes doing something that is sort of seen as taboo but who gives a shit imo. Have you ever considered going to a poor country and getting a girlfriend/wife? Women in those countries are desperate for a better life and all they want is a husband who is a decent guy who will take care of them. You don't have to be charming, or good looking, or tall, or the 10 thousand other things you seemingly have to meet to be successful here. You aren't competing with the thousands of guys they have access to on Tinder or whatever.

The only thing I do hope for guys who go down the foreign wife route is don't treat her poorly. Personally if I had a foreign girlfriend I'd treat her like a princess.

Honestly one thing makes me think I don't fit in with the dating culture in the US is that women here don't like being put on a pedestal, they don't like to be treated like they're special. But honestly that is always what I've wanted to do in a relationship. I've always wanted to treat as someone special and put her on a pedestal to an extent and spoil her like she's the best thing in the universe because in my eyes she would be.

 

[TAW122]

@waterbottleman I have seen a sex worker (in a place where it's legal of course) almost half a year ago just to lose my virginity. I'm just happy that I lost my virginity and was able to experience what 'sex' feels like, both emotionally and physically.

As far as getting a SO, or into a relationship, I am not really interested as I'm just going to CTB later in life (for more than just simply social ostracization, but other personal, existential, and philosophical reasons too). I do hope you are able to find what you are looking for, whether it would be going to another country or place.