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wannabesoftware
New Member
- Aug 23, 2024
- 3
first post... i feel kind of like an imposter here because so many people have it way worse than me. like theoretically i'm very lucky and don't have it that bad. yet i still feel miserable all the time and can't imagine myself having a future. i just graduated from university and got broken up with by my gf, so now i'm completely untethered. i was going to stay in the same area for my partner, but now that we're not together and they don't talk to me or even seem to care about me at all, there's no reason for me to be here. but i don't know where else to go. i have to apply to jobs and start working but i just can't do it. every time i try to even think about the idea of job searching, all i can think of is suicide. i don't really know if i am capable of happiness. i feel like i experience emotions on a scale of miserable to okay. and all i want is to be happy.
i don't think i was ever suicidal like this before the breakup. i would look at suicide resources and stuff because i found it somewhat comforting but i never thought of it as something i would actually do. i thought "why would you kill yourself because things went wrong in your life, when you could just change your life? do something crazy and start over?" but now it's not just my circumstances that are wrong, it's my brain. i think the breakup taught me that i am too depressed to be loved. they broke up with me because i was too miserable. they told me they still cared, still wanted to be friends, wanted to hear about my life and how medication was going (they broke with me on the same day i tried lexapro for the first time lol), but then they told me talking to me was too hard. they said dating me was too hard, having sex with me was too hard, being my friend was too hard. they're the only person i feel like i've ever been truly emotionally vulnerable with and it just completely backfired on me. i kind of wish i had never gotten close to them, stayed distant like i usually do. but our relationship also probably gave me some of the happiest times in my life.
i just struggle sometimes to feel like it's worth it to interact with others irl. it can be the happiest i feel but also can be the scariest and make me the most miserable in the end. now i spend most of my time in bed on my laptop. it doesn't make me happy but it's safe and i can keep myself distracted so i'm not too miserable. but i'm just wasting my life, waiting for nothing. i live on an air mattress in my aunt and grandma's house. i can't stay here forever, but if i try to think about doing anything for my future, i start crying. i don't want to kill myself in my family's home because i don't want to traumatize my aunt like that but just getting out of bed can be so difficult and i don't know how i would do it or where. and regardless i will end up hurting people / my family. i don't even necessarily want to kill myself. i feel like the human brain struggles to comprehend its own death, like i can't imagine being dead. i imagine failing and wonder how people would react if they hear i tried to kill myself. at first i thought of killing myself to get back at my ex and the friend they left me for. like i wonder if they'd feel bad about the way they treated me and what they're doing, if my death would lead to their demise or just bring them closer together. of course if i'm dead i'd never know how people would react. but i'm not interested in "suicide gestures," if i kill myself i'm making sure it works.
it sucks that there's such a taboo around suicide that i don't feel like i can talk to anyone besides on anonymous platforms like this. i vaguely tried to reach out for help by filling out a pre-therapy-session survey about suicidality truthfully (so it got marked as "high-risk") but my therapist didn't bring it up or anything. i read the therapy notes and he just said i seemed "depressed or sleep deprived" and marked me as low-risk for suicide. so idk if anyone even looks at those tests or cares lmao. idk i just want to feel better but i don't know how to do that. i took a really low dose of lexapro that i feel like did not affect me at all, but now i'm out of it and idk how to make a new med eval appointment. i've been taking edibles most nights which i think helps a little? idk if this belongs in suicide discussion or recovery, sorry. i'm just venting / looking for advice or support or anything.
i don't think i was ever suicidal like this before the breakup. i would look at suicide resources and stuff because i found it somewhat comforting but i never thought of it as something i would actually do. i thought "why would you kill yourself because things went wrong in your life, when you could just change your life? do something crazy and start over?" but now it's not just my circumstances that are wrong, it's my brain. i think the breakup taught me that i am too depressed to be loved. they broke up with me because i was too miserable. they told me they still cared, still wanted to be friends, wanted to hear about my life and how medication was going (they broke with me on the same day i tried lexapro for the first time lol), but then they told me talking to me was too hard. they said dating me was too hard, having sex with me was too hard, being my friend was too hard. they're the only person i feel like i've ever been truly emotionally vulnerable with and it just completely backfired on me. i kind of wish i had never gotten close to them, stayed distant like i usually do. but our relationship also probably gave me some of the happiest times in my life.
i just struggle sometimes to feel like it's worth it to interact with others irl. it can be the happiest i feel but also can be the scariest and make me the most miserable in the end. now i spend most of my time in bed on my laptop. it doesn't make me happy but it's safe and i can keep myself distracted so i'm not too miserable. but i'm just wasting my life, waiting for nothing. i live on an air mattress in my aunt and grandma's house. i can't stay here forever, but if i try to think about doing anything for my future, i start crying. i don't want to kill myself in my family's home because i don't want to traumatize my aunt like that but just getting out of bed can be so difficult and i don't know how i would do it or where. and regardless i will end up hurting people / my family. i don't even necessarily want to kill myself. i feel like the human brain struggles to comprehend its own death, like i can't imagine being dead. i imagine failing and wonder how people would react if they hear i tried to kill myself. at first i thought of killing myself to get back at my ex and the friend they left me for. like i wonder if they'd feel bad about the way they treated me and what they're doing, if my death would lead to their demise or just bring them closer together. of course if i'm dead i'd never know how people would react. but i'm not interested in "suicide gestures," if i kill myself i'm making sure it works.
it sucks that there's such a taboo around suicide that i don't feel like i can talk to anyone besides on anonymous platforms like this. i vaguely tried to reach out for help by filling out a pre-therapy-session survey about suicidality truthfully (so it got marked as "high-risk") but my therapist didn't bring it up or anything. i read the therapy notes and he just said i seemed "depressed or sleep deprived" and marked me as low-risk for suicide. so idk if anyone even looks at those tests or cares lmao. idk i just want to feel better but i don't know how to do that. i took a really low dose of lexapro that i feel like did not affect me at all, but now i'm out of it and idk how to make a new med eval appointment. i've been taking edibles most nights which i think helps a little? idk if this belongs in suicide discussion or recovery, sorry. i'm just venting / looking for advice or support or anything.