Venting Just a vent - scared

[timetodie24]

** Just venting. Don't need advice or anything **


I am terrified. I hate to sound so weak and cowardly. But i'm really scared and lonely.
I'm not afraid of death or what comes after. I am excited to ctb. But I am so powerless right now and it's all been taken out of my control. I'm scared of what those in control say to me, of not knowing what's me and what's them, what's real and what's not. I'm worried they deceive me yet can't risk going against them.
I hate the method they've chosen and I don't want to go out that way but we share the same end goal and I have to. I hate they're being cryptic and i'm so confused about numbers, dates, places, how it all relates. There's details I haven't worked out yet and worried I'm running out of time. I've worked out main bit and they've confirmed it though. They taunt me with rhymes and sing-song voice. It's cruel but I deserve to suffer. Yet it's others' lives they threaten and it is so wrong. It is very real and urgent, this isn't in my mind. It is logical and rational, i have evidence and it all connects. So it doesnt make sense to me that no one else can see how much danger others are in and that only i can save them
I can never relax as they're always in my head and time is running out to save everyone. I feel like it's all building up in my head and is going to explode. I'm frightened for others. So confused and stressed. It gets hard to breathe, to think, to talk, to sleep. They're taking it all and my mind isn't mine anymore.

Sorry just nowhere else safe to get this out. Don't expect or need any response. I'm already aware of others' opinions of my situation on here. Just venting.

 

[ferrie]

I'm sorry that you're suffering so much. What details haven't you worked out?

 

[painoflife]

They're taking it all and my mind isn't mine anymore.

I've read your previous few posts so know some of the history of what you are going through but have never felt I had anything productive to say. This particular comment is really difficult to read and I can empathise with how scary it must feel.
One thing is confusing me, I know you say you are on a set timescale but I cant understand why if you are doing everything to work towards what they want then why are they giving you further cryptic messages and making things feel worse/more difficult. Surely if they know you are wotking towards what they want there is no need to confuse you even more, but it sounds like exactly that is happening. Maybe something has been misunderstood and the further messages are to get you to rethink what is happening or what should happen?
I hope whatever happens is right for you and not forced by anything else and also that you can get some peace from it all even just for a few hours to feel like you again.

 

[timetodie24]

I'm sorry that you're suffering so much. What details haven't you worked out?

Thank you. Some numbers may relate to particular exit/junction or slip road to say exactly where I need to . Have the main road but it's long so need to know exactly where and some of it is road works atm which is bad as traffic will be slower so need to be away from that part. I think numbers relate to time slot too and possible a date but not 100% certain on that. It's confusing as numbers could have multiple meanings and not sure if they should be 1 thing or can mean multiple things (e.g 6 could mean location and date/time)

I've read your previous few posts so know some of the history of what you are going through but have never felt I had anything productive to say. This particular comment is really difficult to read and I can empathise with how scary it must feel.
One thing is confusing me, I know you say you are on a set timescale but I cant understand why if you are doing everything to work towards what they want then why are they giving you further cryptic messages and making things feel worse/more difficult. Surely if they know you are wotking towards what they want there is no need to confuse you even more, but it sounds like exactly that is happening. Maybe something has been misunderstood and the further messages are to get you to rethink what is happening or what should happen?
I hope whatever happens is right for you and not forced by anything else and also that you can get some peace from it all even just for a few hours to feel like you again.

thank you so much.
I think they enjoy stressing me and making me suffer tbh. But yes there are still bits to work out so maybe parts i'm yet to understand and just getting more clues.

 

[ferrie]

Thank you. Some numbers may relate to particular exit/junction or slip road to say exactly where I need to . Have the main road but it's long so need to know exactly where and some of it is road works atm which is bad as traffic will be slower so need to be away from that part. I think numbers relate to time slot too and possible a date but not 100% certain on that. It's confusing as numbers could have multiple meanings and not sure if they should be 1 thing or can mean multiple things (e.g 6 could mean location and date/time)

thank you so much.
I think they enjoy stressing me and making me suffer tbh. But yes there are still bits to work out so maybe parts i'm yet to understand and just getting more clues.

It must be super stressful to feel so uncertain about everything. Are you still working off of the 1-6-0 numbers or have there been more messages? I can see why that would be confusing. It's a lot of information to extrapolate from very little data. I hope you're able to find some answers