Story Just a text

[almost-there]

I just wanted to share a conversation I had a while ago. For some context it was with myself (like I was talking to myself), but I was sending the messages to my ex friend, in an app where when someone sees the messages you get a blue checkmark, cause I told her if she could just keep her phone open (she was in a class), so I could feel I was talking to someone. English is not my first language, I'm sorry if there is a mistake somewhere. I just wanted to share it, know if there is someone who has felt the same, or whatever you want to say.

Everybody is gone. Specially me. Where did I go? Where am I? Not sure. Will I get out of here? Nobody knows. Do I want to get out of here? It seems I don't. Or maybe I do. Everything is so confusing. Everything has to be so complicated. Why can't it be over? Why it has to be so long? Would be better to finish it now? Stop everything right now? But I can't. Why can't I? What is the problem? Am I? Sure. But that's all? I am the problem...

What's the purpose of life?

Who says what's is my purpose? Me? Someone else? Everybody else?

Is it done? My purpose? If so, can I go?

Where would I go? Is there something else? Or once I'm gone it's over?

So, there is a possibility that this is over? Is it? Don't lie to me, I just want to get it over, finish it

But who am I to decide when it's over? Can I decide?

Once my purpose is done? Once I want it? Once somebody want it?

Why can't I do it?

It's so easy

Or thats what I want to think

Is it really easy?

Is it brave?

Is it selfish?

Why it has to be so hard?

Am I doing it hard when in reality it is easy?

So again, I'm the problem

Once I'm gone, the problem is gone, right?

I like to think so

And once again, the blue checkmarks are gone. It means I'm alone. That's the only thing that was with me, and now it is not

Bye blue checkmark. Thank you for staying with me. At least I didn't feel that alone. But I guess everything has to finish. Including me

Right now? Nah, I can't. Not strong enough? Not brave enough? Not sure. I just can't

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I can sympathise. I've gone through a lot of these questions with myself in the past. Particularly- does life have a purpose? When we have fulfilled that purpose, do we die then? If we're still alive, does that mean we still have things we're supposed to do? Can we die having failed the things we're supposed to have done?

I have a feeling that purpose and meaning are just things we tell ouselves to give purpose and meaning to our lives! I guess it hinges on whether you believe in a God or destiny or that we are here to do specific things. I'm really not so sure now. Say someone dies 3 days after their 95th birthday. Was there really something they achieved in the last few days of life? What if they fulfilled their purpose in their 40's? Why were they then kept alive so long? Why do babies die then? When they've barely begun to live. What could they have achieved in that time? Simply that their death likely caused terrible pain to their parents.

I don't know. Whenever I contemplate there being intention behind some of the more terrible things that happen in this world, I can't help but hope there isn't in fact intention there. No God, no awful lesson to be learnt, no punishment for failing. In many ways, it's more comforting to think this whole thing is down to chance.