I'm sorry you're feeling this way, this time of year can be so difficult for some, so you're absolutely not alone in feeling that way. Just for the record, I don't think you're pathetic at all, you didn't ask to be in the position you're in, you're just being forced to deal with it. It must be taking a big strain on you mentally, yet you're still trying your best to do what you think is right for you, which is far from pathetic! But of course, I understand why you feel that way, your feelings are completely valid. If you need to talk, we're always here for you on the forum, even if it's not quite the same as physical company! Good luck with everything, I'm sending big hugs to you, and to anybody else who feels the same way.