This is a translation, and the meaning may be distorted. I don't think there will be many responses, because I'm not writing any nonsense this time, but if anyone has anything to say, I'd love to hear it. I'm a man.
Please don't judge me harshly, for me it's like setting a certain point, an anonymous post on the Internet, advice can help. A month ago, I stood on the 19th floor all day, wondering whether to jump or not. It excited me, I didn't want to be sad for a week, then I found a job. I was sad and cried a lot, then I started watching animated series about spider-Man, so far I don't want to cry and feel less sad, time goes faster fortunately, but even I worry if spider-man inspires me too much. I don't need this life anymore. I've never had any friends or girlfriends.
I lost my memory at the age of 17, and I couldn't finish college. Losing my memory was the main tragedy, because I wanted to be a genius. Now I can't be one, and I don't need life. But I wanted to tell you about something else. After school, I started staying at home all the time, and I was taking correspondence courses. I felt a little heavy when I left my house on my way to an interview, but when I saw all the beautiful girls, I felt better. Then I started falling in love, but not with real girls, because I don't interact with real people. For a long time, it saved me, then I began to be very shy, suppressed love. And fell into a terrible state, it is hard to look at people. Relief only if in tik tok by chance there is at least a little bit of a beautiful girl. Never look at the girls passing by, because I'm afraid. Lately, I can pass by the inertia of the girl's gaze. But never manage to hold the gaze to admire.
Always, for a split second I see a girl, I understand that she is insanely beautiful, and I can't hold my gaze, it's freezing, to see how everyone walks, how beautiful girls walk, and I can never even look. Beautiful usually come across when I'm relaxed, I think it's related to the materiality of thoughts. Today finally gave a third day off, I walked to the bus. And there at the first door, I ran my eyes over two girls, they're amazing, I walked around the door so I wouldn't pass them, and I'm standing at the other door, and another girl comes up, she's very beautiful, and she even looked at me a few times, which is unusual, as most people don't look at me. Her figure is so attractive, and most of the girls who pass by aren't particularly beautiful, but the beautiful ones usually have amazing figures, and when you look at them from a distance, you realize that you should look away. I always wear black glasses.
Then I get out, and another girl gets out, just as beautiful, then another one on the way. You can fall in love with anyone, but it's rare to see so many beautiful people at once. I felt sad again, and I almost started crying. I started thinking about it again. I'm still waiting until I'm 21 to shoot myself, but why wait? I could jump from the 19th floor. I'm thinking about taking up boxing to overcome my fear of pain and finally jump in a month or two. But a month or two, just a little bit, and it's already the new year. And from there, it's just a little bit until the 21st century. And it's not just a year to endure, but 11 months, a whole month has passed. It's more reliable to shoot yourself than to jump from a height. Moreover, if I lean over from the 19th floor, shoot myself, and fall at the same time, there's no way to survive. But what I saw today shocked me, and I don't want to endure it anymore. However, I still have a day off. If you jump from the 19th floor, the risk of survival is less than a percent, but if you shoot yourself and fall from the 19th floor, you won't survive. In other words, it's infinitely more reliable.
To prefer jumping from a height, where, conditionally, the probability of death is 99.9 percent, to some other way, where, for example, the probability of death is 50 percent, is an utter stupidity, although the difference is only 2 times. And here is infinity. It turns out that I will have to live a little longer. Also, I think that boxing will reduce my fear and I will be able to look at girls. If it becomes difficult, then it will be easier to jump. I am afraid of survival, because it will be a life of an invalid. The Spider-Man cartoons inspired me, and my sadness is gone for now. When you get distracted, the comedown is incredibly heavy. Because of this, the tone of this post is energetic, while my previous post was more sad.
Please don't judge me harshly, for me it's like setting a certain point, an anonymous post on the Internet, advice can help. A month ago, I stood on the 19th floor all day, wondering whether to jump or not. It excited me, I didn't want to be sad for a week, then I found a job. I was sad and cried a lot, then I started watching animated series about spider-Man, so far I don't want to cry and feel less sad, time goes faster fortunately, but even I worry if spider-man inspires me too much. I don't need this life anymore. I've never had any friends or girlfriends.
I lost my memory at the age of 17, and I couldn't finish college. Losing my memory was the main tragedy, because I wanted to be a genius. Now I can't be one, and I don't need life. But I wanted to tell you about something else. After school, I started staying at home all the time, and I was taking correspondence courses. I felt a little heavy when I left my house on my way to an interview, but when I saw all the beautiful girls, I felt better. Then I started falling in love, but not with real girls, because I don't interact with real people. For a long time, it saved me, then I began to be very shy, suppressed love. And fell into a terrible state, it is hard to look at people. Relief only if in tik tok by chance there is at least a little bit of a beautiful girl. Never look at the girls passing by, because I'm afraid. Lately, I can pass by the inertia of the girl's gaze. But never manage to hold the gaze to admire.
Always, for a split second I see a girl, I understand that she is insanely beautiful, and I can't hold my gaze, it's freezing, to see how everyone walks, how beautiful girls walk, and I can never even look. Beautiful usually come across when I'm relaxed, I think it's related to the materiality of thoughts. Today finally gave a third day off, I walked to the bus. And there at the first door, I ran my eyes over two girls, they're amazing, I walked around the door so I wouldn't pass them, and I'm standing at the other door, and another girl comes up, she's very beautiful, and she even looked at me a few times, which is unusual, as most people don't look at me. Her figure is so attractive, and most of the girls who pass by aren't particularly beautiful, but the beautiful ones usually have amazing figures, and when you look at them from a distance, you realize that you should look away. I always wear black glasses.
Then I get out, and another girl gets out, just as beautiful, then another one on the way. You can fall in love with anyone, but it's rare to see so many beautiful people at once. I felt sad again, and I almost started crying. I started thinking about it again. I'm still waiting until I'm 21 to shoot myself, but why wait? I could jump from the 19th floor. I'm thinking about taking up boxing to overcome my fear of pain and finally jump in a month or two. But a month or two, just a little bit, and it's already the new year. And from there, it's just a little bit until the 21st century. And it's not just a year to endure, but 11 months, a whole month has passed. It's more reliable to shoot yourself than to jump from a height. Moreover, if I lean over from the 19th floor, shoot myself, and fall at the same time, there's no way to survive. But what I saw today shocked me, and I don't want to endure it anymore. However, I still have a day off. If you jump from the 19th floor, the risk of survival is less than a percent, but if you shoot yourself and fall from the 19th floor, you won't survive. In other words, it's infinitely more reliable.
To prefer jumping from a height, where, conditionally, the probability of death is 99.9 percent, to some other way, where, for example, the probability of death is 50 percent, is an utter stupidity, although the difference is only 2 times. And here is infinity. It turns out that I will have to live a little longer. Also, I think that boxing will reduce my fear and I will be able to look at girls. If it becomes difficult, then it will be easier to jump. I am afraid of survival, because it will be a life of an invalid. The Spider-Man cartoons inspired me, and my sadness is gone for now. When you get distracted, the comedown is incredibly heavy. Because of this, the tone of this post is energetic, while my previous post was more sad.
