Venting judgements..

[Aleksandra]

i expressed on one of my earlier posts that i suffer from bpd (cluster b disorders), and i found that even on here it tends to be judged quite hard. it somewhat hurts to read it all as much as bpd is classed as cluster b, it doesn't have the one trait the rest do. lack of empathy/not being able to understand it. it is the main reason why i want to kill myself and to know people are still judging you over a disorder you never asked for, it gives me even more of a reason to just go for it. i suppose i came here for comfort and support, in hopes someone here would know what having this feels like but i still see the occasional judgements. i wish i had cancer or something so people wouldn't look at me that way but instead sympathise. the more i read people's opinion on this the more i want to disappear completely. one less nuisance to the world.

 

[No hope]

I don't judge u, I know exactly how it feels to feel alone and I don't even know why I'm still here. I cry every single day when I open my eyes, I txt the very people who don't hate me pitiful txts to try and make myself feel better but I hate myself and dont fit into this world

 

[Aleksandra]

I don't judge u, I know exactly how it feels to feel alone and I don't even know why I'm still here. I cry every single day when I open my eyes, I txt the very people who don't hate me pitiful txts to try and make myself feel better but I hate myself and dont fit into this world

was it you who also has bpd? i cant remember as my brain is still a little out of it. if so then i truly understand your pain. if not then i'm sorry you feel this way regardless, i wish the world wasn't so cruel and that there are easier ways for us to go, i spent all night on this forum and i've only felt disappointment at all of the methods because i know i can't obtain some items if i want to go in the comfort of my own bed. if it makes you feel better i know crying in a warm bath is much better than in bed

 

[No hope]

I don't know what I have anymore, all I know is I want to die. The pain of having mental illness is hell on earth. I'm an emotional mess and my family hate me, my mum said I am ruining everyones lives. 2moro doesn't get better nothing is ever getting better and I want out but cus most people believe this life is beautiful there is no way out

 

[Aleksandra]

I don't know what I have anymore, all I know is I want to die. The pain of having mental illness is hell on earth. I'm an emotional mess and my family hate me, my mum said I am ruining everyones lives. 2moro doesn't get better nothing is ever getting better and I want out but cus most people believe this life is beautiful there is no way out

i understand. my family hated me too, which is why i moved out. my mum was the main reason for my development of this nasty mental disorder, if it is at all any comfort, i don't hate you and even though i don't know you, i have a lot of love and care for you and whenever or if you ever decide "today's the day" i'll support you through it, if you decide you want to stick around a little longer then same applies, ill support you as long as i'm still here.

 

[No hope]

I need to start planning ctb again but I'm too stupid for it and after my last 2 failed attempts at carbon monoxide in a tent my brain couldn't take another failure

i understand. my family hated me too, which is why i moved out. my mum was the main reason for my development of this nasty mental disorder, if it is at all any comfort, i don't hate you and even though i don't know you, i have a lot of love and care for you and whenever or if you ever decide "today's the day" i'll support you through it, if you decide you want to stick around a little longer then same applies, ill support you as long as i'm still here.

 

[Aleksandra]

I need to start planning ctb again but I'm too stupid for it and after my last 2 failed attempts at carbon monoxide in a tent my brain couldn't take another failure

yeah.. i have the aftermath of brain damage too, it sucks. well friend, whatever you decide you want to do, i really hope you get what you're looking for and that you find peace
unfortunate that in the uk you don't have access to guns easy..

 

[woxihuanni]

Ah, I think we need a mothers thread. It's the same story over and over again for so many.

 

[oopswronglife]

Personally I am dubious of most "personality disorder" diagnoses. They seem to be catch-alls and very subjective. I'd not build your identity around it. I know its good in one way to have a recognized "illness" you can explain to others and get sympathy for...but its also, in mental health stuff, often more harm than good from both providers and the general public as you have seen.

About forums...even a place like this has all kinds of people. It skews toward more understanding because of the audience, but it doesn't mean everyone who posts is fair or rational, or even good for that matter. There are trolls and shit people in all places, but here they are not as common and the moderation is reasonable. You also have to understand that someone who has been hurt over and over by someone with a certain "label" is going to be reactive and defensive to anyone else with that label as it triggers them. It's not fair...it's not your fault...but its to be expected. Anytime someone is nasty to me I try to remember "they don't know me...this is about them and their issues not me" and walk away. It's not always easy because its human to get upset at being attacked. But 99% of the time the attack is not about YOU at all and all fighting does is make it about you and you allow yourself to get more upset and hurt more for no real reason. We have enough to suffer naturally. It takes practice...and you won't always succeed. But give that reframing a shot any time you feel attacked or the urge to fight.

 

[woxihuanni]

Personally I am dubious of most "personality disorder" diagnoses. They seem to be catch-alls and very subjective.

Yup, the most textbooky sociopath can have empathy buried deep inside. And then a lot of people who do have mushy empathy with little things can be so stupid and ignorant that they do immense harm to those around them. These labels are more useful if approached with caution, I suppose.

 

[Tabbyql]

i expressed on one of my earlier posts that i suffer from bpd (cluster b disorders), and i found that even on here it tends to be judged quite hard. it somewhat hurts to read it all as much as bpd is classed as cluster b, it doesn't have the one trait the rest do. lack of empathy/not being able to understand it. it is the main reason why i want to kill myself and to know people are still judging you over a disorder you never asked for, it gives me even more of a reason to just go for it. i suppose i came here for comfort and support, in hopes someone here would know what having this feels like but i still see the occasional judgements. i wish i had cancer or something so people wouldn't look at me that way but instead sympathise. the more i read people's opinion on this the more i want to disappear completely. one less nuisance to the world.

No judging here either, I have bpd i empathise completely. When I was first diagnosed, I read up on it. The amount of judgement, assumptions and generalisations shocked and saddened me. Hope your ok now.

 

[Aleksandra]

No judging here either, I have bpd i empathise completely. When I was first diagnosed, I read up on it. The amount of judgement, assumptions and generalisations shocked and saddened me. Hope your ok now.

i came across someone here on a post saying they don't believe anyone should die with the exception of people who are part of the cluster b's. i hate this so much, i hate myself too. do you get that intense nasty feeling after abandonment? i have it now and i feel physically sick

 

[oopswronglife]

i came across someone here on a post saying they don't believe anyone should die with the exception of people who are part of the cluster b's. i hate this so much, i hate myself too. do you get that intense nasty feeling after abandonment? i have it now and i feel physically sick

Hating being devalued or attacked isn't a defect from a personality disorder. Nobody likes that. Nobody likes being abandoned either. Everyone feels sick from it. You are viewing yourself too much through this label and what a FEW of the total people you have interacted with say about that label. You are using that label to turn your suffering inward because your mind thinks that's the one victim who cannot fight back...but it DOES fight back against itself with bad emotion/physical pain/anxiety etc.

 

[Aleksandra]

Hating being devalued or attacked isn't a defect from a personality disorder. Nobody likes that. Nobody likes being abandoned either. Everyone feels sick from it. You are viewing yourself too much through this label and what a FEW of the total people you have interacted with say about that label. You are using that label to turn your suffering inward because your mind thinks that's the one victim who cannot fight back...but it DOES fight back against itself with bad emotion/physical pain/anxiety etc.

i use the label because it's easier than saying a small inconvenience triggers bad impulses, for some it triggers suicidal tendencies. it's a popular thing for bpd's to "wear their illness like a badge", and validation is a huge part of it, i'm not saying all bpd's but me especially i get really upset when one person doesn't like me. i obsess over it even if i don't know that person. others express this other ways, they gain validation by posting half naked photos of themselves online. with the feeling of being attacked i can't help but get defensive. i'm not as bad as others who have this disorder but in bpd groups, you say one small wrong thing and it could start a huge shitstorm. i'm not saying give bpd's special treatment or validate them, but i'm saying the emotions they feel opposed to someone who doesn't have it in say abandonment is significantly higher. i smashed my face on a curb out of stress, anger and anxiety leaving me with two black eyes and a broken nose, just because my ex left me. not even in a bad way. don't take this as me having a go, i'm simply explaining why it's not as easy as not victimising yourself. a lot sadder when you're limited to treatments. i had to do DBT for a few years, didn't work even though it's specifically designed to treat borderlines. there's no actual meds that can treat it either, just treating the symptoms.

tl;dr yes you are correct no one likes feeling attacked, devalued or abandoned. but borderlines react much much differently to it. i get defensive because i don't like being compared to a narcissist. i hope that explains a little why i think the way i do

 

[a_strange_day]

i came across someone here on a post saying they don't believe anyone should die with the exception of people who are part of the cluster b's. i hate this so much, i hate myself too. do you get that intense nasty feeling after abandonment? i have it now and i feel physically sick

I have been diagnosed with BPD myself, along with MPD and MDD, but you know what ? I dont give a shit because that's just words, it doesn't mean anything
I wish I was a psychopath too so I just wouldn't care about what people are saying about me
remember that it's far better to be BPD/BD or anything like that than just a little narcissist as there are many on social networks

 

[Aleksandra]

I have been diagnosed with BPD myself, along with MPD and MDD, but you know what ? I dont give a shit because that's just words, it doesn't mean anything
I wish I was a psychopath too so I just wouldn't care about what people are saying about me
remember that it's far better to be BPD/BD or anything like that than just a little narcissists as there are many on social networks

i wish i could not care. i really do

 

[oopswronglife]

i wish i could not care. i really do

My point above was not judgement...rather that EVERYONE who isn't a sociopath cares. We all have those feelings. Intensity can very from person to person and situation to situation but the feelings are real. Nobody can "not care"...all we can do is try our best to recognize we are having those feelings instead of just reacting as our natural impulse is...to pause...take a breath etc...and think "Why am I feeling like this, and what can I do about it?" and try our best to react well. That's not something you are incapable of doing because of BPD....its something thats hard and takes work for anyone. The more you practice that the more, and faster you can reframe your reactions and catch things before you go off. Even then sometimes things get through...but its better than being out of control all the time. It DOES work...but you have to do it. If you decide it all hopeless because you have BPD...CANNOT do this...and its all lost...then you are defeating yourself before you start. I imagine you will also say "thats because I have BPD and we do that"....do you see how its defined you in your own mind? You are letting it and people's view of it decide who you are.

 

[Aleksandra]

My point above was not judgement...rather that EVERYONE who isn't a sociopath cares. We all have those feelings. Intensity can very from person to person and situation to situation but the feelings are real. Nobody can "not care"...all we can do is try our best to recognize we are having those feelings instead of just reacting as our natural impulse is...to pause...take a breath etc...and think "Why am I feeling like this, and what can I do about it?" and try our best to react well. That's not something you are incapable of doing because of BPD....its something thats hard and takes work for anyone. The more you practice that the more, and faster you can reframe your reactions and catch things before you go off. Even then sometimes things get through...but its better than being out of control all the time. It DOES work...but you have to do it.

my issue is i feel incapable because regardless of learning all the grounding methods and rational thinking, i still do everything out of impulse. i'm hurting because of it. best i can describe it is because i wasn't taught how to control emotions as a child, i find it a lot harder to do it now. kinda like learning a new language as a child vs adult. but because i have the psychotic traits i find it even more challenging to go against those voices. my condition is worsening overtime and i'm tired, i really am. i think i'm just gunna stop talking about this, it was stupid i'm sorry.

 

[woxihuanni]

It's OK to share and it's OK to stop sharing. No need to say sorry at all.

 

[oopswronglife]

my issue is i feel incapable because regardless of learning all the grounding methods and rational thinking, i still do everything out of impulse. i'm hurting because of it. best i can describe it is because i wasn't taught how to control emotions as a child, i find it a lot harder to do it now. kinda like learning a new language as a child vs adult. but because i have the psychotic traits i find it even more challenging to go against those voices. my condition is worsening overtime and i'm tired, i really am. i think i'm just gunna stop talking about this, it was stupid i'm sorry.

You don't need to stop talking...nothing to apologize for. Your feelings are valid and I understand. You said you FEEL incapable...but that isn't the same as BEING incapable. It's what you are choosing to believe. You ARE capable. This is a thing all but the most insane people can manage and you are clearly not insane. It's not shouting you down to say this..its not fighting you...its trying to show you that your own reactions ARE malleable.

None of this is saying life is amazing or you have to live or any preaching. It's just practical realities about our emotions and reactions. It requires effort. Those efforts will fail a lot at first. Then get easier if you dont give up on them. They DO work. Only you can decide if they work well enough once you truthfully get there. The only other alternative is to let it eat you and you know how horrible that is.