Venting Joined 3 years ago, dedicated myself to goals, succeeded but eventually fucked that up, now i'm back

[EDMisgood]

I remember how I felt about life 3 years ago when I first found this site because it's exactly how I feel now.
Life's ironic after all I have been through over the last a year or two, used to feel like complete shit 3 years ago, because my whole life amounted to nothing, and so I used that as my motivation and tried hard in school, took the hard classes, never looked back for a good amount of time, pursed the things I wanted to pursue.

Life moved on and I just kept trying, about 5 months ago, I realized that I did get the grades I wanted for my junior year despite the hard classes, applied to all of the good schools in my state, got a little fame from posting my stock trading results on the internet because I had a huge win streak for a month long and made a bunch of money. Out of all the things I chased for, I never stopped body building, looking back now, I have exactly what I was dreaming for before I started. I was truly, really happy for a month or two, 5 months ago. Never felt that way my whole life; had really good friends (still have them now but it's just different now because of me), my academic future was promising because I had just applied to some of the best universities in the world that happen to be in my state, I honestly was in good position to apply because I actually tried my best for a long time. On top of that, my win streak in stock trading continued, I couldn't have been happier and more excited about life.

Until I have reached the punch line of my story, even with my dream physique, it's honestly just another way to cope with my self-hatred and my urge to physically harm myself, which I still did and do even during training; a lot of times, which makes me hate the entire process because nothing's solved mentally. Haven't heard back from the schools I applied for, while 95% of my classmates have already been accepted, I researched about school offers, realized I'll be rejected soon. In addition, I completely screwed over my stock trading account because I was distracted by how enjoyable life was and was blinded by my temporary achievements. Those things led to my sloppiness and eventually my gradual downfall in my trading account, powered by my unconscious self-hatred. Life's back to what it was. All the good things went to sh1t basically.

To conclude my BS journey and to add on, I did have CTB thoughts throughout those years of rebuilding my life, looked back sometimes( got depressed in simple terms), and got right back to it with a reason. But now, I cannot find any reason to keep at this anymore like I did before because I just can't seem to find any proof to support it once more, with all honesty. I have never had a genuinely healthy relationship with my family entirely, never felt Agape (unconditional love) and probably never will feel it in the future because I would hate it (Without intrinsic value I was able to dedicate myself completely to my academics, wealth, skills and body, I had it all to win and to lose and most of all I didn't give a sh1t). Now, I plan on ending all of this pain.

It's IRONIC AF and FKing Funny too, I struggled with having a will and positive attitude about life which stopped me from pursuing any type goal or dedication at first (3 years ago), now I'm struggling to get even just any small bit of reason or proof from my dedications to live and continue this life( I don't want to figure out the fundamental attribution error behind this betrayal from my dedications).

It was "It never gets better" now it's "it did get better, but just for a bit before the worse". I hate philosophy(It used to be my fav thing), family, people with a loving family, the system, the rule that "the cause you believe in will eventually betray you somehow". To top it off, I hate how my whole life is either live like you don't exist or live and try in life but you still don't get anything. Wonderful.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've been through a lot and I believe that it's true that anything that someone sees as being positive only exists to eventually lead to more suffering when it's inevitably taken away. The reality is that there could never be anything fair about existing in this cruel world but anyway, best wishes.

 

[AllMyDreams]

I remember how I felt about life 3 years ago when I first found this site because it's exactly how I feel now.
Life's ironic after all I have been through over the last a year or two, used to feel like complete shit 3 years ago, because my whole life amounted to nothing, and so I used that as my motivation and tried hard in school, took the hard classes, never looked back for a good amount of time, pursed the things I wanted to pursue.

Life moved on and I just kept trying, about 5 months ago, I realized that I did get the grades I wanted for my junior year despite the hard classes, applied to all of the good schools in my state, got a little fame from posting my stock trading results on the internet because I had a huge win streak for a month long and made a bunch of money. Out of all the things I chased for, I never stopped body building, looking back now, I have exactly what I was dreaming for before I started. I was truly, really happy for a month or two, 5 months ago. Never felt that way my whole life; had really good friends (still have them now but it's just different now because of me), my academic future was promising because I had just applied to some of the best universities in the world that happen to be in my state, I honestly was in good position to apply because I actually tried my best for a long time. On top of that, my win streak in stock trading continued, I couldn't have been happier and more excited about life.

Until I have reached the punch line of my story, even with my dream physique, it's honestly just another way to cope with my self-hatred and my urge to physically harm myself, which I still did and do even during training; a lot of times, which makes me hate the entire process because nothing's solved mentally. Haven't heard back from the schools I applied for, while 95% of my classmates have already been accepted, I researched about school offers, realized I'll be rejected soon. In addition, I completely screwed over my stock trading account because I was distracted by how enjoyable life was and was blinded by my temporary achievements. Those things led to my sloppiness and eventually my gradual downfall in my trading account, powered by my unconscious self-hatred. Life's back to what it was. All the good things went to sh1t basically.

To conclude my BS journey and to add on, I did have CTB thoughts throughout those years of rebuilding my life, looked back sometimes( got depressed in simple terms), and got right back to it with a reason. But now, I cannot find any reason to keep at this anymore like I did before because I just can't seem to find any proof to support it once more, with all honesty. I have never had a genuinely healthy relationship with my family entirely, never felt Agape (unconditional love) and probably never will feel it in the future because I would hate it (Without intrinsic value I was able to dedicate myself completely to my academics, wealth, skills and body, I had it all to win and to lose and most of all I didn't give a sh1t). Now, I plan on ending all of this pain.

It's IRONIC AF and FKing Funny too, I struggled with having a will and positive attitude about life which stopped me from pursuing any type goal or dedication at first (3 years ago), now I'm struggling to get even just any small bit of reason or proof from my dedications to live and continue this life( I don't want to figure out the fundamental attribution error behind this betrayal from my dedications).

It was "It never gets better" now it's "it did get better, but just for a bit before the worse". I hate philosophy(It used to be my fav thing), family, people with a loving family, the system, the rule that "the cause you believe in will eventually betray you somehow". To top it off, I hate how my whole life is either live like you don't exist or live and try in life but you still don't get anything. Wonderful.

I'm sorry you're experiencing that. I can kind of relate, I was a gifted child, high school valedictorian, everyone told me I'd do great things. I ended up getting an easy useless degree at college because of mental illness. Now I'm one year out of college, just left a consulting job I hated, and am not really doing anything with my life. Also my Dad pretends I don't exist. Not sure what the future holds.

Despite that I'm doing way better than before... What I've learned is to not derive love or self-worth from external factors. If your happiness all comes from accomplishing things on the outside, you'll never stay happy, because you won't always accomplish things the way you want to. Happiness and self-love has to come from within, also, because family and friends won't always love you. It's such a hard thing to do because we are conditioned to live according to other people, but you have to create everything from within. If you have the dedication to be a bodybuilder (such a rare thing) I believe you can do this too.

Try to think about times where you were happy, and it wasn't because you were impressing other people. Then try to replicate that. Don't ctb because you feel inadequate compared to your classmates, regardless you are probably better off than 90% of students. If you genuinely don't get any enjoyment from life at all, and know that you won't get better no matter what you try, then that's a different story.

 

[SexyIncél]

School and markets can fuel a lot of self-hatred. These systems reward you when you're up, stomp you when you're down. People often internalize this

 

[Luminousjelly]

School and markets can fuel a lot of self-hatred. These systems reward you when you're up, stomp you when you're down. People often internalize this

This is defiantly true, it's easier to get swept up with the highs and lows than be stoic

 

[stoopid]

Heeeyy, welcome back.

Share your thoughts everytime you feel. you did good surviving up to now, life sucks, but I hope it gives you a slight relief to be here

 

[EDMisgood]

I'm sorry you're experiencing that. I can kind of relate, I was a gifted child, high school valedictorian, everyone told me I'd do great things. I ended up getting an easy useless degree at college because of mental illness. Now I'm one year out of college, just left a consulting job I hated, and am not really doing anything with my life. Also my Dad pretends I don't exist. Not sure what the future holds.

Despite that I'm doing way better than before... What I've learned is to not derive love or self-worth from external factors. If your happiness all comes from accomplishing things on the outside, you'll never stay happy, because you won't always accomplish things the way you want to. Happiness and self-love has to come from within, also, because family and friends won't always love you. It's such a hard thing to do because we are conditioned to live according to other people, but you have to create everything from within. If you have the dedication to be a bodybuilder (such a rare thing) I believe you can do this too.

Try to think about times where you were happy, and it wasn't because you were impressing other people. Then try to replicate that. Don't ctb because you feel inadequate compared to your classmates, regardless you are probably better off than 90% of students. If you genuinely don't get any enjoyment from life at all, and know that you won't get better no matter what you try, then that's a different story.

Probably the most meaningful advice I have ever had(ironically people in my life think they know me but you know me better), I really appreciate your thoughtful reply I'll take that into consideration.

To add on, sometimes I'm so close to the goal and sometimes I'm just hundreds of miles away. But I know for sure I won't be happy even when I'm there, like you said I have no intrinsic value. People say I look good as a guy all the time, I have a good physique, they always comment on my maturity for my age etc. What makes me depressed is the fact that none of that matters, because even if all of those are 90% true, I'm still lonely af, nothing works out, I'm good but never enough for anything. Got a bunch of friends and families but they all have their priorities or someone else who makes to them happier
, and I'm just here drained out and done. I think it's over. ( thanks stranger, really appreciate it though)

It sounds like you've been through a lot and I believe that it's true that anything that someone sees as being positive only exists to eventually lead to more suffering when it's inevitably taken away. The reality is that there could never be anything fair about existing in this cruel world but anyway, best wishes.

Yeah it has never existed for me from the start in my opinion, I know some people have it and I have seen it which make this really painful. I'm young too can't imagine where I'll be in a couple years I really can't .

 

[AllMyDreams]

Probably the most meaningful advice I have ever had(ironically people in my life think they know me but you know me better), I really appreciate your thoughtful reply I'll take that into consideration.

To add on, sometimes I'm so close to the goal and sometimes I'm just hundreds of miles away. But I know for sure I won't be happy even when I'm there, like you said I have no intrinsic value. People say I look good as a guy all the time, I have a good physique, they always comment on my maturity for my age etc. What makes me depressed is the fact that none of that matters, because even if all of those are 90% true, I'm still lonely af, nothing works out, I'm good but never enough for anything. Got a bunch of friends and families but they all have their priorities or someone else who makes to them happier
, and I'm just here drained out and done. I think it's over. ( thanks stranger, really appreciate it though)

Yeah it has never existed for me from the start in my opinion, I know some people have it and I have seen it which make this really painful. I'm young too can't imagine where I'll be in a couple years I really can't .

You betcha. My point, actually, was exactly that you do have intrinsic value. You just haven't realized it yet because you derive your value mostly from others (how they see you or how you compare to them). And that is not only normal, but completely fixable. If everyone compared themselves to those more successful and got demoralized then nobody would do anything.

We tell ourselves that "if we achieve this one thing that we'll be happy forever", and that's a lie. It's primarily about the journey, relationships we form and things we experience on the way. If you achieve your goal then yes, that's great, so you should try and achieve it, but you can't rely on goals working out in order for life to be worthwhile.

Also with the goal thing: if you are depressed and just spend time thinking about your goals, then yeah it makes sense to tell yourself they're pointless. Because if you just imagine yourself accomplishing your dreams, or becoming xyz, but don't accomplish them, it's like watching a movie that you aren't in. Why would you care about a movie that you aren't in? This doesn't mean that your goals are pointless.