Venting Job is just another type of hell

[heirofvoid]

I think my last post here was about my anxieties about finally getting a job. It's been two months since then it just feels like a different type of hell.

I work as a call center agent and it's just so draining. "Oh why don't you just look for another job?" I only finished one year of college. "There surely are jobs out there who accept that educational attainment" no there is NOT. If I pick another low minimum wage job I will be an embarrassment to my family. This is the lowest that they could accept.

Yes, my pay is good for someone's first job. My family told me it's actually more than their first salaries. The thing is, I don't really have anything to do with it. Yes I buy groceries, yes I help with paying whatever my family needs, yes I buy things I like but they never just fill up this void inside me.

I only got a job to pretend I'm a normal functioning adult. I'm working just so my family wouldn't find out that I dropped out of college! THAT'S IT! AND IT'S FUCKING DRAINING ME. I GO TO THIS SHITTY FUCKING JOB 12 HOURS A DAY AND IT'S ALL I EVER DO IN EVERY MOMENT THAT I AM AWAKE!

The worst part is? I can't quit! If I quit my family will ask why and they'll tell me to just pick a job related to my course BUT YEA I NEVER FINISHED IT! I've only been here for 2 months and it'll look bad for me as well.

It's honestly such a shitty place and I hate having to solve the problems of PEOPLE OUTSIDE MY COUNTRY. How the fuck should I know what is happening out there? I don't live there?! But no that's my fucking job! And we should not make mistakes because it'll be a deduction to our salaries! Did I mention that the product training was just 2 weeks? And they just accept ANYONE for a job that handles money?

I honestly want to say more about how shitty this company I'm working for but I'm just scared of sharing too much info. ANYWAY, I'M FUCKING TIRED! We had to change schedules for July so we only have one day off for this week and it's honestly going to kill me. I haven't even slept for more than 24 hours now.

This is so messy. I haven't been able to vent out anything for the past months because I got so numb and exhausted. I only finally got to bawl my eyes out earlier as I realized that in 15 hours, I'll be back in that soul draining hell hole. I want to die. I'd rather die than going to work.

I still have money so I'm just planning to look around in the hardware store to find anything that can chop my head off. Not sure about the details yet since that is definitely hard to do. "Oh why don't you just do the other methods?" I can't guarantee the success for those. I'll probably chicken out. "What makes you think that you won't chicken out of this one as well?" I'll research about basically making my own Saw trap. If I'm restrained while my head gets chopped off then there's no chickening out right? Yes, there's a lot to research but I'll just go with that. Yes it's gruesome but I think it guarantees death. "Oh but what if it doesn't get completely chopped off" I could still die from blood loss right? YES I KNOW IT'S CRAZY BUT WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? If i hang myself, I'd risk becoming a vegetable. Same goes for A LOT of methods and no I just can't buy fancy poison here.

I just don't want to wake up anymore. There is nothing waiting for me out there. I'm just pretending to be a normal adult but I am not! In fact, I'm bad at hiding it!

 

[Grey-zoner]

Are you in the US? 12 hours seems unusual for a position here, although the stereotype is that most jobs like that originate from India or Bangladesh.

I sympathize with your pain. For me, a call-center would be close to employment hell, next to McDonald's--although I would be un-hireable due to a speech impediment. I know that sense of fear, the pit in the stomach, the hopelessness, and drain and stress from sleep deprivation: the constant desire to cry, and end it with a swift leap or bullet. So much of the suicidal ideation posted here originates from work, whether the person can't find it, has been long-term unemployed (a member of the 'lumpenproletariat'), or finds work itself painful due to social and anxiety issues.
I should be the last person to give advice, but I think finding another position, like data entry, or a job in a warehouse, or even a receptionist, would be better and restore some amount of sanity, or at least reduce the chronic stress. For MOST people call-centers are regarded with some measure of dread and loathing. I HIGHLY recommend finding a way to get out of there. Yes, leaving after a few weeks isn't great, and doesn't "look good", but I am a 31-year old with essentially no job experience prior to 27, so I wouldn't worry about how that affects finding entry-level positions. You can do it.
I would add that the fact that you can handle call-center work for so long is actually a mark of some strength. Most of those positions have high attrition rates, and I personally wouldn't last more than two weeks.

EDIT: I think the Recovery/Help section should have a running thread(s) on finding employment, and what kind of work suits people with mental issues, recommendations on sites, careers, interview techniques, etc...

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful and stressful what you have to endure. To me it is unfair how humans are forced to exist and they have all these pressures and expectations placed on them. A peaceful exit from this life should be a human right. Life really is so horrifying. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from suffering.

 

[HopefulButPrepared]

I think my last post here was about my anxieties about finally getting a job. It's been two months since then it just feels like a different type of hell.

I work as a call center agent and it's just so draining. "Oh why don't you just look for another job?" I only finished one year of college. "There surely are jobs out there who accept that educational attainment" no there is NOT. If I pick another low minimum wage job I will be an embarrassment to my family. This is the lowest that they could accept.

Yes, my pay is good for someone's first job. My family told me it's actually more than their first salaries. The thing is, I don't really have anything to do with it. Yes I buy groceries, yes I help with paying whatever my family needs, yes I buy things I like but they never just fill up this void inside me.

I only got a job to pretend I'm a normal functioning adult. I'm working just so my family wouldn't find out that I dropped out of college! THAT'S IT! AND IT'S FUCKING DRAINING ME. I GO TO THIS SHITTY FUCKING JOB 12 HOURS A DAY AND IT'S ALL I EVER DO IN EVERY MOMENT THAT I AM AWAKE!

The worst part is? I can't quit! If I quit my family will ask why and they'll tell me to just pick a job related to my course BUT YEA I NEVER FINISHED IT! I've only been here for 2 months and it'll look bad for me as well.

It's honestly such a shitty place and I hate having to solve the problems of PEOPLE OUTSIDE MY COUNTRY. How the fuck should I know what is happening out there? I don't live there?! But no that's my fucking job! And we should not make mistakes because it'll be a deduction to our salaries! Did I mention that the product training was just 2 weeks? And they just accept ANYONE for a job that handles money?

I honestly want to say more about how shitty this company I'm working for but I'm just scared of sharing too much info. ANYWAY, I'M FUCKING TIRED! We had to change schedules for July so we only have one day off for this week and it's honestly going to kill me. I haven't even slept for more than 24 hours now.

This is so messy. I haven't been able to vent out anything for the past months because I got so numb and exhausted. I only finally got to bawl my eyes out earlier as I realized that in 15 hours, I'll be back in that soul draining hell hole. I want to die. I'd rather die than going to work.

I still have money so I'm just planning to look around in the hardware store to find anything that can chop my head off. Not sure about the details yet since that is definitely hard to do. "Oh why don't you just do the other methods?" I can't guarantee the success for those. I'll probably chicken out. "What makes you think that you won't chicken out of this one as well?" I'll research about basically making my own Saw trap. If I'm restrained while my head gets chopped off then there's no chickening out right? Yes, there's a lot to research but I'll just go with that. Yes it's gruesome but I think it guarantees death. "Oh but what if it doesn't get completely chopped off" I could still die from blood loss right? YES I KNOW IT'S CRAZY BUT WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? If i hang myself, I'd risk becoming a vegetable. Same goes for A LOT of methods and no I just can't buy fancy poison here.

I just don't want to wake up anymore. There is nothing waiting for me out there. I'm just pretending to be a normal adult but I am not! In fact, I'm bad at hiding it!

that sounds like a living hell for me - all i can cope with is lots of little cleaning jobs adding up to full time hours - for someone who's depressed, this type of work is ideal, as you're mostly on your own, doing your own thing, for self esteem it's not so good, but i cant work now anyway, due to chronic pain

 

[heirofvoid]

Are you in the US? 12 hours seems unusual for a position here, although the stereotype is that most jobs like that originate from India or Bangladesh.

I sympathize with your pain. For me, a call-center would be close to employment hell, next to McDonald's--although I would be un-hireable due to a speech impediment. I know that sense of fear, the pit in the stomach, the hopelessness, and drain and stress from sleep deprivation: the constant desire to cry, and end it with a swift leap or bullet. So much of the suicidal ideation posted here originates from work, whether the person can't find it, has been long-term unemployed (a member of the 'lumpenproletariat'), or finds work itself painful due to social and anxiety issues.
I should be the last person to give advice, but I think finding another position, like data entry, or a job in a warehouse, or even a receptionist, would be better and restore some amount of sanity, or at least reduce the chronic stress. For MOST people call-centers are regarded with some measure of dread and loathing. I HIGHLY recommend finding a way to get out of there. Yes, leaving after a few weeks isn't great, and doesn't "look good", but I am a 31-year old with essentially no job experience prior to 27, so I wouldn't worry about how that affects finding entry-level positions. You can do it.
I would add that the fact that you can handle call-center work for so long is actually a mark of some strength. Most of those positions have high attrition rates, and I personally wouldn't last more than two weeks.

EDIT: I think the Recovery/Help section should have a running thread(s) on finding employment, and what kind of work suits people with mental issues, recommendations on sites, careers, interview techniques, etc...

no sorry i dont live in the US so data entry jobs needs higher qualifications. thank you though. i'll check those threads

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Just for your information, although I don't think you're serious, but one really never knows, do they? Chopping off your head is pretty difficult to do. I assume you're just venting (I hope). You'd never be able to chop your own head off before not being able to, because you would sever nerves, and blood vessels, etc. and that would cease your ability to finish cutting your head off before you could finish, since you would lose the ability to move your arms and hands. And it takes a LOT to chop a head off in terms of force. Just think about how tall the guillotines were back in France. They were that tall because the blade needed that kind of downward momentum in order to chop through the neck ligaments and bones. I would try my hardest, if I were you, to find another way.

 

[veryhappyhuman]

Man, seeing the shitty way call center workers get treated by most customers, it's quite a brave act for a person already suicidal to take up this job. Heck, I myself must have screamed at a call center guy or two before realizing they're just doing their job. I used to work in a similar field which also involved sometimes getting yelled at by foreigners from EU/US while helping solve their issues, so I 100% empathize with the whole "I hate having to solve the problems of PEOPLE OUTSIDE MY COUNTRY" part of it. It's actually a small part of the reason I decided to end my career.

And re your ctb method, I know this doesn't help, but you're just as likely to end up a vegetable with this method too. As another person said, self-decapitation is extremely difficult and will most likely fail.

 

[heirofvoid]

Just for your information, although I don't think you're serious, but one really never knows, do they? Chopping off your head is pretty difficult to do. I assume you're just venting (I hope). You'd never be able to chop your own head off before not being able to, because you would sever nerves, and blood vessels, etc. and that would cease your ability to finish cutting your head off before you could finish, since you would lose the ability to move your arms and hands. And it takes a LOT to chop a head off in terms of force. Just think about how tall the guillotines were back in France. They were that tall because the blade needed that kind of downward momentum in order to chop through the neck ligaments and bones. I would try my hardest, if I were you, to find another way.

yea it made me think about that too because i remember those guillotines being way high up so that's impossible to even build unless I'm out in the open. I'm just venting I guess because I'm out of options.

Man, seeing the shitty way call center workers get treated by most customers, it's quite a brave act for a person already suicidal to take up this job. Heck, I myself must have screamed at a call center guy or two before realizing they're just doing their job. I used to work in a similar field which also involved sometimes getting yelled at by foreigners from EU/US while helping solve their issues, so I 100% empathize with the whole "I hate having to solve the problems of PEOPLE OUTSIDE MY COUNTRY" part of it. It's actually a small part of the reason I decided to end my career.

And re your ctb method, I know this doesn't help, but you're just as likely to end up a vegetable with this method too. As another person said, self-decapitation is extremely difficult and will most likely fail.

honestly i just had no choice. I'm actually a very quiet and unsociable person so this would probably be the last thing I'd consider to apply for but they're the only ones who take college undergraduates. Yea I'm reconsidering the method because it looks like a lot of work and I can't even properly build tables so I will never get to finish that.

that sounds like a living hell for me - all i can cope with is lots of little cleaning jobs adding up to full time hours - for someone who's depressed, this type of work is ideal, as you're mostly on your own, doing your own thing, for self esteem it's not so good, but i cant work now anyway, due to chronic pain

i'm considering that too but my family would know and it'll be embarrassing. Pay is also worse than what I'm doing right now so I have to tolerate this for a while.

 

[DerTod]

Other temporary jobs that don't need much/any training:
Casino dealer-they school you. Pays nice i've heard
Courier/Food delivery courier. Pays nice and you get to ride the bike all day.

 

[PaperGodzilla]

As a child i hated to live because there was too much time at school, now i feel the same bc i have to go to work.. Sometimes it just feels like life is too hard. Good luck in whatever you decide to do