Venting jisi’s stupid online diary

[jisi]

first of all, i wanna say yes i stole this idea from other lovely users on here. do not count on me to have an original thought in my head because it's virtually impossible for me. this is just gonna be a space for me to ramble and i highly doubt that it's going to be interesting to anyone in the slightest. because of that, i don't mind all of my posts getting 0 traction. though, if anyone's reading, thank you for taking the time out of your day to. i'll get into my personal reasons for creating this below because i feel like some sort of clarification would be nice.

 

[jisi]

why the hell would you create an online diary?

i know that the concept of an online diary is kind of insane because y'know.. that's what actual diaries are for. but before you jump to conclusions and think of me as some sort of idiot who has no concept of what a digital footprint is in her mind… well you're sort of right, i won't deny that. however, a large portion of me has somehow convinced myself that sasu will provide me with far more security than owning a physical diary — it feels safer here somehow. i cannot for the life of me explain my thought process to you as much as i wish i could. as for the digital footprint thing, i could not care less. could everything i say proceed to come back up to bite me in the ass if i end up not killing myself? potentially. but if there were to be an award for a person who's capable of sabotaging themselves the most, not to get cocky but it would probably go to me.

anyways, i also wanted to fulfil my promise on getting more comfortable posting here and i thought having a little space on here that's dedicated to me and my meanderings would be fun. i also feel as if it could help me ease into posting casually here instead of contemplating everything i want to scream into the void. that's really just it; i want to scream into the void and not berate myself for screaming wrong somehow. be prepared for a whole lot of nothing paired with a lot of typos, or things that outright don't make sense. i don't really have a plan for anything i'll post, though i'm sure that it'll just be random thoughts and songs i like, and maybeee the occasional drawing or painting but do not count on that. that's pretty much just it. i might throw in a little introductory post under this because i'm feeling extra fancy.

also i'm gonna say this now so i can get it out of the way. throughout all of my posts, i'm going to talk as if i'm addressing things to a specific person or audience but i know that no one's going to read these. it's mostly just so i can feel like i'm talking to someone. i swear on my life i'm not that insane to the point where i'm talking to myself. well i kind of am, but you get the point. i also don't know what the purpose of this disclaimer is but there you go lol

(also i had to post this like 3 times cuz there was a weird formatting era lol. it should be sorted now, or atleast i hope so)

 

[jisi]

hello, i'm jisi!

okay so here's a brief introduction of me: i'm a girl who was born and raised in england, though i wish i hadn't been. my mother is single and i have been brought up alongside 5 brothers, all of whom i extremely despise, and a poor excuse of a father who decided to just piss off before my mother had me. throughout my entire upbringing, i was always deemed the forgettable outsider despite my numerous attempts to fit in (i won't go too much into this because i'm aware that this is such a common occurrence). currently, i'm best described as a neet and a hikikomori, though i will spare myself from those terms because of some weird pride i have, i don't know. i plan to commit suicide late next year, so you'll have a bit of time to get to know me.

as for my hobbies, i like to draw, paint, write (specifically story writing), and i used to play my guitar and sing little songs i'd write for myself, but i have lost all of the motivation to do so. i also happen to be a top tier bed-rotter and procrastinator, in which automatically cancels out all of my hobbies and makes them useless information. to add onto the meaninglessness of this section, i am also working on a pretty big story project that'll most likely never get finished. fun.

like a lot of people do, i also enjoy listening to music a lot. i'm especially fond of artists like radiohead, the smile (which is just radiohead but funkier), thom yorke (which is just radiohead but only thom yorke), björk, cocteau twins, massive attack and blonde redhead. basically music that people would tell you to kill yourself over if you got the aux cord. though, i like a little bit of everything, i'm not too picky.

i would add a section for other things i'm into, like films or games, but i have no interest in anything anymore. i also see no value in only listing things i was previously interested in so sorry about that.

i think i'll leave it at that to prevent myself from oversharing. i think it's easy to tell that i'm not particularly special, however it brings me great joy to know that i could easily pretend to be throughout the rest of the posts on this thread since i am the centre of it all. i hope i don't come across as too obnoxious and we can get along just fine.

 

[jisi]

entry 1
04:12

hey there. by the way, don't worry about the weird formatting and the numbered entries, all of it is just so that it's easier to reference.

anyways, part of the reason as for why i decided to create this whole thing is because as of today (or yesterday), i am officially friendless. i have decided that if i'm going to kill myself, i need to rid myself of friends as soon as possible to avoid putting them through unnecessary pain. the thing is, it was so disheartening to see how easily they took it; it was as if they were waiting for me to leave. i know that they have their own friends and their own lives to turn to and they don't have a single reason to care about me whatsoever, but it still kind of hurt. i don't mean to shame them at all, i honestly understand. it was just a painful reminder of how i'll phase out of existence almost immediately after my death.

it's so difficult to muster up the energy to do anything nowadays because of that. i can't really explore any one of my creative outlets as it's impossible to see any value in what i do anymore. i don't understand myself though. the majority of things i have created weren't ever intended to be shared. it was always for myself to enjoy privately. the only logical explanation i have is that i guess i'm starting to give up on myself even more, in which is most definitely the case. i have a feeling that these last 11 months of my life are going to be extremely tiresome.

i'm getting pretty tired now so i'm gonna go to sleep. i'll speak to you when i wake up. goodnight <3

 

[jisi]

entry 2
17:37

hey. i'm already regretting this whole idea a little but it's far too late to turn back now. i'm probably just going to keep acting like no one cares enough to read these despite me feeling a little embarrassed about it.

today has been dull and uneventful so far and it'll probably continue to be until i go to sleep — it's a day like any other day. however, i was actually able to pick up my pencil and start drawing. i didn't really do much though, just some little anatomy studies. i hardly feel any better. i wish i had some nicotine right now, or at least something else to make me feel a little better. hopefully i can get my hands on something soon.

i've mainly been feeling extremely isolated all day. i honestly just need someone to talk to but i don't have anyone anymore. i guess it's for the best anyway. i'm sorry that i don't have much to say. i'd like to share one of my favourite songs as a compromise. i feel like the mood of this song can say so much more about how i feel rather than what i'm capable of describing.



that's all for now. see you soon <3