Jealous of people who managed to kill themselves

[lostandsad]

Just the thought of how much suffering would have spare me makes me depressed. I have been lonely all my life because of poor social skills and there is no point to my life.
I suffered so much in the last 10 years and still. It's just shocking how much you can suffer and not die.
I'm still alive because of a stupid survival instinct forced upon me and an oppressive possessive environment but logically I'm among the first people better to be gone. This is not life.

 

[zzld]

I completely get it. The days take too long. You just want to fast forward through all of it, knowing tomorrow is just the same miserable shit.

I can never get past SI with partial hanging and my CO attempt in my car landed me in a hyperbaric chamber and psych ward.

It seems like it's so difficult to die. I wish there was just a button or I could get SN or N. I'd take that shit instantly.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I understand, I'm envious of people who are no longer here, especially those that have managed to exit peacefully. I'm also sympathetic though, because I assume their lives must have been very difficult and they must have been struggling to have come to that point. I am happy for them too. I hope to join them soon

 

[skar]

Just the thought of how much suffering would have spare me makes me depressed. I have been lonely all my life because of poor social skills and there is no point to my life.
I suffered so much in the last 10 years and still. It's just shocking how much you can suffer and not die.
I'm still alive because of a stupid survival instinct forced upon me and an oppressive possessive environment but logically I'm among the first people better to be gone. This is not life.

I feel exactly the same way. The last decade my life has only gone worse. But it's not just the SI that makes us live, it's false hope too.. Our mind lies to us that it might get better and it never gets better. It sure keeps getting worse. Whenever things take too big a toll and I feel the sudden urge to ctb immediately by overriding SI, I don't have the means nor the circumstances to do it then. At this point I regret not ctb when I had the chance coz I know it never gets better.

 

[Marshy63]

I also feel the exact same way, I want it to just be over

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I'm not jealous of them. Their circumstances were so bad that dying was preferable to what they were going through. It doesn't feel right for me to envy people who were in that type of position.

 

[BardBarrie]

I wish we could talk to them, somehow.

Sure there'll be plenty of "I regret doing it"s, but there would absolutely be some "I'm so glad I got outta there, should've left sooner"s.

 

[M48 Patton]

I don't so much see myself as jealous as more amazed at the bravery of it. I take no pleasure in it though as let's be honest I want to live a good life. I wish we all could. I just hate how I don't have many options. I hate how suicide is one of my dominant options. We shouldn't have to pick it. But sometimes we are left in a state where it is better unfortunately.

 

[BecomingTired]

Just the thought of how much suffering would have spare me makes me depressed. I have been lonely all my life because of poor social skills and there is no point to my life.
I suffered so much in the last 10 years and still. It's just shocking how much you can suffer and not die.
I'm still alive because of a stupid survival instinct forced upon me and an oppressive possessive environment but logically I'm among the first people better to be gone. This is not life.

Understand what you mean, I only ever had 2 close attempts and "saved" myself from both; never managed to built up the courage since.

 

[Defenestration]

La simple pensée de combien de souffrances m'auraient épargné me déprime. J'ai été seul toute ma vie à cause de mes faibles compétences sociales et ma vie ne sert à rien.
J'ai tellement souffert ces 10 dernières années et je continue à souffrir. C'est tout simplement choquant de voir à quel point on peut souffrir sans mourir.
Je suis toujours en vie à cause d'un stupide instinct de survie qui m'est imposé et d'un environnement possessif et oppressant, mais logiquement, je fais partie des premières personnes qui ont intérêt à disparaître. Ce n'est pas la vie.

Same

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I wish we could talk to them, somehow.

Sure there'll be plenty of "I regret doing it"s, but there would absolutely be some "I'm so glad I got outta there, should've left sooner"s.

There definitely would be a lot of cases of "I wish I hadn't".

 

[AshersGirl]

Whenever someone dies… like I'm reading a news story about a local death or the like… I don't think I'm jealous so much as I wish I could've died in their place. Though I don't know the individuals, there are a lot of local stories about people who died in accidents, or a sudden death in public that therefore caught the local crappy media outlets attention, or (and these ones really get me) children and young people. And often there are various quotes from their loved ones of how much they loved life and the joy they brought family and friends etc, and I think - how come so many people who appeared happy and wanted to live have that choice taken from them and then there are so many of us, who want it to be over, who can't seem to get there.

And that's the way of the universe.

For those who successfully CTB who actually wanted to die, I am sad that their suffering in life brought them to that point, but equally I just hope they found their peace without too much additional suffering in their final moments with whichever method they chose. I'm glad they are free from their suffering.

Do I wish I had the willpower / courage to free myself? Yes. But I think jealous is the wrong word for me.

 

[BardBarrie]

There definitely would be a lot of cases of "I wish I hadn't".

Yep.
Then again whether by suicide or nature, we all end up on the other side.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

I've gotten to the point where not only am I jealous of my close friends who have successfully CTBd, I'm now jealous of everyone who has ever died. Everyone in the history of the Planet who has died. From every baby that's been aborted, to every 90 year old who took their last breath in hospice, to every Disabled person who was Aktion T4'd (I would have preferred that to being experimented on by Psychiatrists), from every leader whose been assassinated to every individual soldier whose died fighting those leaders' wars. From every caveman who got gored by a wooly mammoth to every artist who CTBd because their job was taken by AI.

I envy the dead.

The only thing I fear in the entire universe is the Bible verse Revelation: 9:6 being true and that some demonic science, be it AI or something else will fully prevent people from dying via CTB or otherwise.

 

[Defenestration]

J'en suis arrivé au point où non seulement je suis jaloux de mes amis proches qui ont réussi le CTBd, mais je suis maintenant jaloux de tous ceux qui sont morts. Tous ceux qui sont morts dans l'histoire de la planète. De chaque bébé qui a été avorté, à chaque personne de 90 ans qui a rendu son dernier souffle dans un hospice, à chaque personne handicapée qui a été victime de l'Aktion T4 (j'aurais préféré que cela soit expérimenté par des psychiatres), de chaque dirigeant qui a été assassiné. à chaque soldat décédé en combattant les guerres de ces dirigeants. De chaque homme des cavernes qui s'est fait encorner par un mammouth laineux à chaque artiste qui a CTBd parce que son travail a été pris par l'IA.

J'envie les morts.

La seule chose que je crains dans l'univers entier, c'est que le verset biblique Apocalypse : 9 : 6 soit vrai et qu'une science démoniaque, qu'il s'agisse d'IA ou autre, empêchera complètement les gens de mourir via CTB ou autrement.

Same jealous of all are dead

 

[rednights]

I get this feeling quite a bit. It doesn't mean I'm not taking it seriously, though. It's just the automatic thought in the back of my mind where I'm like "God, I wish that were me"

 

[babyelephant]

yeah and I don't understand the grieving process at all now when it comes up in real life. The whole time I'm just wondering why everyone's making a big deal over someone dying when to me it's literally I want lol