Venting Jealous and guilty and so very sorry.

[succor]

For those who haven't seen me before, I am disabled and homebound. Partially homebound because I'm too sickly and weak to do things without great pain, and partially because the pandemic is still very much here, my state is not handling it well, and I'm unable to get the vaccine due to the medications I'm on and my weak constitution.

I have a very small group of friends. They are lovely people. They are all able bodied and healthy. There's just six of us, three pairs of couples. We used to do things together often before I got sick. We used to go on vacations together and spend a lot of time together. Since I got sick, which was just about 6 months before the pandemic started, we haven't been hanging out as much. This is largely my fault, as I never feel well enough to do things. None of this is their fault, they tried to spend time with me but I'm always just in too much pain.

Now that they've all been vaccinated they've started spending time together again… without me. Which I understand- they don't want to risk contaminating me since I'm under strict doctor ordered quarantine. But they also are hanging out without my partner. I feel… jealous. Jealous that they're vaccinated and able to see each other. That they feel well enough to socialize, even though I know it's horribly selfish and they deserve to see their friends too.

I also feel horribly guilty. My partner isn't invited to hang out because he's in close quarters with me, and they don't want to risk him bringing something home since I'm immunocompromised in general- not just to Covid, but any sort of sickness right now.

The jealousy, the guilt, it's eating away at me more and more. I don't want to be this envious ugly person. I'm already planning on my way out, which will in turn release everyone from any obligations to me. I've just been so lonely. I've only seen my parents, my partner, and doctors since the pandemic started. The last time I sat and spoke to my friends was on Christmas, separated by 10 feet from them, just to exchange gifts and chat for a bit. I'm so lonely. I've been so isolated. I feel as though I'm going mad. Just the same four walls every day, and the only time I leave them is to see doctors and have tests done, get poked and prodded and gaslit and turned around. All of this fight for nothing. I've never been this bad. I'm losing it.

 

[motel rooms]

The jealousy, the guilt, it's eating away at me more and more. I don't want to be this envious ugly person.

You're not an ugly person. How you feel is perfectly normal for someone in your situation

 

[succor]

Thank you for your kindness. It feels ugly. It feels manipulative and childish and controlling, to be so upset over something that they've done without any sort of malicious intent toward me. We're all adults and they're allowed to do what they want and live their happiest lives. I want them to. Things have been hard on them too. Which makes these feelings that much more confusing and upsetting to me.

 

[Foogs]

Your feelings are totally valid. And sometimes things are sad and unhealthy and no one is to blame, which only makes it more unfair. My situation is very similar so I know how that feels. Except for me, I can barely communicate, so I can't even be a voice and a personality in people's lives.

Have you talked to any of them about this?

 

[motel rooms]

Thank you for your kindness. It feels ugly.

You're a lonely person in extreme pain... Only truly ugly people who know nothing about prolonged suffering would judge you

 

[succor]

Your feelings are totally valid. And sometimes things are sad and unhealthy and no one is to blame, which only makes it more unfair. My situation is very similar so I know how that feels. Except for me, I can barely communicate, so I can't even be a voice and a personality in people's lives.

Have you talked to any of them about this?

I can't. I know the responsible thing would be to do so but I can't. It would make them feel so guilty for something they shouldn't feel guilty over. I would rather swallow this and let it burn in me like a hot coal than spread my misery to people who don't deserve it.

You're a lonely person in extreme pain... Only truly ugly people who know nothing about prolonged suffering would judge you

Thank you. I don't know what to do with this loneliness and pain anymore. It feels as though no amount of love can reach me where I've gone.

 

[Foogs]

I can't. I know the responsible thing would be to do so but I can't. It would make them feel so guilty for something they shouldn't feel guilty over. I would rather swallow this and let it burn in me like a hot coal than spread my misery to people who don't deserve it.

I'm sure they'd want to know how you feel, and it helps to be understood. They're gonna feel a lot more guilty if you end up CTB because they'll think they "should have known something was wrong" etc. We need to live in reality as it is, together, even if that means hard conversations. I encourage you to speak to them

 

[succor]

I'm sure they'd want to know how you feel, and it helps to be understood. They're gonna feel a lot more guilty if you end up CTB because they'll think they "should have known something was wrong" etc. We need to live in reality as it is, together, even if that means hard conversations. I encourage you to speak to them

You're very wise. They know something is wrong. They know I've been really, really struggling the last few years. They just don't know about my awful feelings of jealousy and envy. They're already worried about me, and I hate worrying them. I love them very much and I tell them so. I think that when I CTB they'll understand at the root of it all that it's my hopeless health that did me in. At least I hope they do. It's just the suffering until I can CTB that's difficult to handle alone.

 

[SuicidalAgain]

Your feelings are not ugly at all. It's totally normal for you to feel that way in your situation. This is a new situation for most of us and many of us are having trouble coping with the changes this pandemic is continuously throwing at us.

You say you're in strict quarantine, and your friends are hanging out without you... What if you organized a videocall with them? You could find an activity you could do at a distance, maybe some online board or card game you could play while you talked? I have no idea how fun that is for other people because I personally dislike calls, and videocalls a lot more, but it is a way to stay in touch with your friends and break a little bit that isolation.

I know it's still not ideal, I just hope your situation improves somehow :c

 

[Foogs]

You're very wise. They know something is wrong. They know I've been really, really struggling the last few years. They just don't know about my awful feelings of jealousy and envy. They're already worried about me, and I hate worrying them. I love them very much and I tell them so. I think that when I CTB they'll understand at the root of it all that it's my hopeless health that did me in. At least I hope they do. It's just the suffering until I can CTB that's difficult to handle alone.

If they're worried then it sounds like everyone is already suffering in one way or another. I doubt talking to them would increase their "burden", and it sounds like it would really lighten yours. It's important to be kind to yourself.

And maybe I'm just lucky, but in the past I've had friends I've told everything when I was planning to kill myself. It was sad but we got a chance to say goodbye and they appreciated it, even though I ended up unable to go through with it. Currently, my family knows I want to CTB if I can't overcome my chronic disability with some new therapies I'm trying. It was a hard conversation but it eases my heartache to know that if CTB becomes the best option for me we'll be able to say goodbye to each other. My family appreciates knowing I'm not gonna sneak off and they have to learn about my death from a surprise call from a morgue technician.

I'm not saying you should tell them you wanna CTB necessarily though, my point is just that people are more understanding than you think.

EDIT: that's about as much as I can type. I hope you can find peace and love and kindness with your friends and partner if these are to be your final days. May you be happy, as much as possible.

 

[motel rooms]

It hurts when we ask God 'why' and all we hear is silence.

Yes, that does hurt. That's why I suggest you imitate your God & be silent

 

[succor]

Your feelings are not ugly at all. It's totally normal for you to feel that way in your situation. This is a new situation for most of us and many of us are having trouble coping with the changes this pandemic is continuously throwing at us.

You say you're in strict quarantine, and your friends are hanging out without you... What if you organized a videocall with them? You could find an activity you could do at a distance, maybe some online board or card game you could play while you talked? I have no idea how fun that is for other people because I personally dislike calls, and videocalls a lot more, but it is a way to stay in touch with your friends and break a little bit that isolation.

I know it's still not ideal, I just hope your situation improves somehow :c

All very good ideas- we used to do this together, but their work schedules conflict often and I'm often too ill to even talk for extended periods of time. My sickness is complicated and extraordinarily inconvenient. I'll try again, though, if I can. Thank you, you're very sweet and these are good alternatives.

Hi everyone, I just wanted to say God is real. I truly do believe this although I have been with a lot of great trials. I believe there is only one to God, it's through Jesus. I know everyone one here is going through their own pain that I can't even begin to understand and so sorry! It hurts when we ask God 'why' and all we hear is silence. But I truly do believe that there is a God and He does love His creation and I hope that you might ask/invite Him into your life instead of ctb if that is what you are thinking about. I'm trying to do that myself because I get so low sometimes but I'm still seeking trust in God over the alternative. I hope this message will encourage you that you aren't alone even when it feels like it. And you are loved which is something I have to remind myself too.

I appreciate you reaching out and trying to extend some sort of comfort, but I'm afraid your religion is lost on me. I was raised Christian and it has failed me. I've been pagan for many years now. While it's good that you seek comfort in God, my spirituality is different. In my experience, to quote a song, "all the while the good Lord smiled and looked the other way."

If they're worried then it sounds like everyone is already suffering in one way or another. I doubt talking to them would increase their "burden", and it sounds like it would really lighten yours. It's important to be kind to yourself.

And maybe I'm just lucky, but in the past I've had friends I've told everything when I was planning to kill myself. It was sad but we got a chance to say goodbye and they appreciated it, even though I ended up unable to go through with it. Currently, my family knows I want to CTB if I can't overcome my chronic disability with some new therapies I'm trying. It was a hard conversation but it eases my heartache to know that if CTB becomes the best option for me we'll be able to say goodbye to each other. My family appreciates knowing I'm not gonna sneak off and they have to learn about my death from a surprise call from a morgue technician.

I'm not saying you should tell them you wanna CTB necessarily though, my point is just that people are more understanding than you think.

EDIT: that's about as much as I can type. I hope you can find peace and love and kindness with your friends and partner if these are to be your final days. May you be happy, as much as possible.

Again, very wise. I used to tell my best friend everything. Back when I was an addict and the last time I was suicidal, they were with me through it all. They developed an aggressive anxiety disorder because of it. I'm afraid of hurting the people I love further but perhaps you're right. I must say, your edit brought me to tears. Thank you for your empathy and compassion toward me- I feel seen and heard. My heart is broken and I am shattering like glass but you've given me some things to consider.

 

[Foogs]

Again, very wise. I used to tell my best friend everything. Back when I was an addict and the last time I was suicidal, they were with me through it all. They developed an aggressive anxiety disorder because of it. I'm afraid of hurting the people I love further but perhaps you're right. I must say, your edit brought me to tears. Thank you for your empathy and compassion toward me- I feel seen and heard. My heart is broken and I am shattering like glass but you've given me some things to consider.

One last thing I'll say is just that when we CTB, we hurt our loved ones to a degree and in ways much greater than anything we could ever say. Unfortunately there's no getting away from that. What we say, though, can sometimes ease the hurt we inflict on them (and ourselves while we still live). It's a delicate thing, but I hope you can find the words that make it easier on all of you. I'm glad if I've been able to help

EDIT: Oh and here's my story if you're curious https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/why-i-want-to-ctb-and-my-method.69381/
I feel we have some things in common, it's nice finding people who can relate

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings are understandable. I'm sorry life has been so cruel to you, dealing with health problems can take away our quality of life and it can be exhausting. I wish you well.

 

[LADY007]

For those who haven't seen me before, I am disabled and homebound. Partially homebound because I'm too sickly and weak to do things without great pain, and partially because the pandemic is still very much here, my state is not handling it well, and I'm unable to get the vaccine due to the medications I'm on and my weak constitution.

I have a very small group of friends. They are lovely people. They are all able bodied and healthy. There's just six of us, three pairs of couples. We used to do things together often before I got sick. We used to go on vacations together and spend a lot of time together. Since I got sick, which was just about 6 months before the pandemic started, we haven't been hanging out as much. This is largely my fault, as I never feel well enough to do things. None of this is their fault, they tried to spend time with me but I'm always just in too much pain.

Now that they've all been vaccinated they've started spending time together again… without me. Which I understand- they don't want to risk contaminating me since I'm under strict doctor ordered quarantine. But they also are hanging out without my partner. I feel… jealous. Jealous that they're vaccinated and able to see each other. That they feel well enough to socialize, even though I know it's horribly selfish and they deserve to see their friends too.

I also feel horribly guilty. My partner isn't invited to hang out because he's in close quarters with me, and they don't want to risk him bringing something home since I'm immunocompromised in general- not just to Covid, but any sort of sickness right now.

The jealousy, the guilt, it's eating away at me more and more. I don't want to be this envious ugly person. I'm already planning on my way out, which will in turn release everyone from any obligations to me. I've just been so lonely. I've only seen my parents, my partner, and doctors since the pandemic started. The last time I sat and spoke to my friends was on Christmas, separated by 10 feet from them, just to exchange gifts and chat for a bit. I'm so lonely. I've been so isolated. I feel as though I'm going mad. Just the same four walls every day, and the only time I leave them is to see doctors and have tests done, get poked and prodded and gaslit and turned around. All of this fight for nothing. I've never been this bad. I'm losing it.

There is no reason to feel guilty. Millions would feel the same way in your situation. Loneliness is very painful for most of us. Please don't put yourself down. Wish I could change things for you.