☥ Jade-colored glasses

[yıη]

When the student is ready, the universe will send them a teacher.

​

​

​

Watts says one may separate the watcher from what is being watched, ending with an interesting question: "Though isn't the watcher, in itself, also just a thought?" Aurelius says to "[Look into the minds of those you so desperately crave approval of.]" It's proving to be just as much the curse they said introspection was, outrospection.​

For I cannot look outside of myself without it being but a moment until I fixate on the negativity within everything and everyone. It's as if blood is pouring from the very walls and I, an elephant in the room, am the only one capable of seeing it. And to think they said the lenses I look through were rose-colored.​

What good is kindness if it is selective? XIII says, "Real lies can't be seen by these real eyes." Will I be punished for choosing to look through the eye of Ra? As I have been instructed, I have sought to instill within myself the words: 'I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own—not of the same blood or birth, but of the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine.'

I should treat my kin, for that is what I will see us as, without ugliness.

If one is in the very depths of hell, still will they find the will to hold a light to the masses of darkness? The dark has no power over but a single candle, that is what they told me. I too will "permit the fear to wash over and to pass through me"; this I will allow. Stop staring at the shadows, my soul. Though how easy it is to be frightened when one realizes the shadows stare back. I only find normality in the absence of feeling anything at all.

Without desire, the world will not move; this I know. So I ask, what good is divinity if found only in selectivity? Look for the dark, and that is all one will find. When the eye came back as Sekhmet, did she not find pleasure in her mission and a craving for the blood of those she slaughtered? They put her to sleep.

— There is both a white wolf and a black wolf within all of us; this I know. —​

Only after acknowledging every individual thing that brings you peace of mind do they begin to rid you of them one by one. How daring of you to look into my eyes and ask me the question I've come to detest: "Are you okay?" How daring of you to apologize after I acknowledge the ugliness within you with unfaltering eye contact. Any quality one despises within another, they will surely find within their self; however minuscule it appears. I would rather embody wrath and use it as fuel for my exit, only to walk a new direction as I plead for the very rules of nature to be overridden. I too will seek pity once more when I ask that I have my sentience erased — for the matter, that cannot be created nor destroyed, to be destroyed.

I'm growing weary of attempting to find confidence in walking a path other than the others. It is met with the same response every single time: first they will seek to change you with logos, secondly, when logos does not work, they will resort to pathos. In other words, only after attacking your very logical thinking ability will every individual who tells you you're loved consciously choose to attack your emotions. How kind of them to skip ethos and move straight to infantilization and ostracization.

I've grown desensitized to the suffering that is sentience itself. I have no energy left for any of you. There is nothing left for you to suck, you've devoured it all. Every individual human met has been but a lesson to harden my resolve. I always wanted to die in a blood-red sea. Through gritted teeth will I die with a smile; what a fantasy.

Only, still would I willingly sit with the pain of empathizing with another.​