I've set a date and made a plan

[MattersOfTheHeart]

Some of y'all may remember I initially planned to ctb in mid-January, by drowning myself in the bathtub. My current date and plan is mostly similar to this, but has been a bit altered and expanded upon.

Here it is, all laid out.

On Friday January 4, 2019, I will do all of the following.

1. I will take a maximum dose of over the counter sleeping meds.
2. To intensify the effect, I will also take a maximum dose of Benedryl, washed down with some of the (liquid) sleeping meds as a bonus.
3. I will begin to fill my tub.
4. I will message the man who broke my heart one last time, to say goodbye, and to make sure he knows that he was the one who led me to do this.
5. If he so desires, I will allow him to talk to me while I wait for the medicines to take effect and for the tub to fill.
6. If he and I somehow manage to reconcile romantically during that conversation, I will cancel the rest of my plan and stay on this earth. Being with him is what I need to be happy again and is pretty much all that matters to me anymore, apart from my pets and my faith.
7. However, if he and I do NOT reconcile romantically during that conversation, then I will go through with the rest of my plan, which is as follows.
8. I will hyperventilate to invoke Shallow Water Blackout.
9. I will put on a weighted backpack to ensure that my body does not float up when I lie down in the tub.
10. When I feel myself nearly passed out from the medicines, I will lie face down in the water and hold my breath, continuing to invoke Shallow Water Blackout.
11. Hopefully, I will soon drift off and drown, allowing my misery and heartache to be finally over.

Well, that's my plan. I feel a little more content and at ease now that I've got a more clear and definite idea of how I'm gonna do it. And of course, if my (ex?)boyfriend and I wind up romantically reconciling before that date, the whole plan will be cancelled, and I will return to my former happy self. Of course, that is what I am hoping will happen. But I will ultimately get happiness either way. Either on earth with the man I love, or in Heaven, with all my earthly pain left behind, never to be felt again. Either way, I will be sure to let y'all know the outcome. Thank you in advance for the support. Writing my plan out and sharing it with people who I trust also felt oddly therapeutic, so thanks for providing that opportunity for me too.

 

[Angel]

If that's your only reason then ring him now. DON'T die over a man . Your soul mate might be around the corner.! No man is worth all that pain.

 

[MattersOfTheHeart]

If that's your only reason then ring him now. DON'T die over a man . Your soul mate might be around the corner.! No man is worth all that pain.

I appreciate that, but I really don't want anyone else...

 

[Miss clefable]

If that's your only reason then ring him now. DON'T die over a man . Your soul mate might be around the corner.! No man is worth all that pain.

I agree please don't over a man hugs

 

[hunter_lewis]

Some of y'all may remember I initially planned to ctb in mid-January, by drowning myself in the bathtub. My current date and plan is mostly similar to this, but has been a bit altered and expanded upon.

Here it is, all laid out.

On Friday January 4, 2019, I will do all of the following.

1. I will take a maximum dose of over the counter sleeping meds.
2. To intensify the effect, I will also take a maximum dose of Benedryl, washed down with some of the (liquid) sleeping meds as a bonus.
3. I will begin to fill my tub.
4. I will message the man who broke my heart one last time, to say goodbye, and to make sure he knows that he was the one who led me to do this.
5. If he so desires, I will allow him to talk to me while I wait for the medicines to take effect and for the tub to fill.
6. If he and I somehow manage to reconcile romantically during that conversation, I will cancel the rest of my plan and stay on this earth. Being with him is what I need to be happy again and is pretty much all that matters to me anymore, apart from my pets and my faith.
7. However, if he and I do NOT reconcile romantically during that conversation, then I will go through with the rest of my plan, which is as follows.
8. I will hyperventilate to invoke Shallow Water Blackout.
9. I will put on a weighted backpack to ensure that my body does not float up when I lie down in the tub.
10. When I feel myself nearly passed out from the medicines, I will lie face down in the water and hold my breath, continuing to invoke Shallow Water Blackout.
11. Hopefully, I will soon drift off and drown, allowing my misery and heartache to be finally over.

Well, that's my plan. I feel a little more content and at ease now that I've got a more clear and definite idea of how I'm gonna do it. And of course, if my (ex?)boyfriend and I wind up romantically reconciling before that date, the whole plan will be cancelled, and I will return to my former happy self. Of course, that is what I am hoping will happen. But I will ultimately get happiness either way. Either on earth with the man I love, or in Heaven, with all my earthly pain left behind, never to be felt again. Either way, I will be sure to let y'all know the outcome. Thank you in advance for the support. Writing my plan out and sharing it with people who I trust also felt oddly therapeutic, so thanks for providing that opportunity for me too.

I have taken a big Benadryl overdose and it did nothing for me, not even made me sleepy!
Isn't there some other way? You can love someone else. And it's kind of mean of you to text him before your ctb and give him a chance to make up-what if he says yes just because he doesn't want to let you die?

 

[MattersOfTheHeart]

I agree please don't over a man hugs

Thank you, but he's not just "a man" to me. He is THE man that I love and I really don't want anyone else :(

 

[Miss clefable]

Thank you, but he's not just "a man" to me. He is THE man that I love and I really don't want anyone else :(

Okay hugs I respect your decision

 

[MattersOfTheHeart]

I have taken a big Benadryl overdose and it did nothing for me, not even made me sleepy!
Isn't there some other way? You can love someone else. And it's kind of mean of you to text him before your ctb and give him a chance to make up-what if he says yes just because he doesn't want to let you die?

Benedryl always zombifies me lol, so that won't be an issue. And as I've been saying, I don't want anyone else. And I'm not trying to be mean, I just want to give him a chance to say goodbye.

 

[Angel]

I appreciate that, but I really don't want anyone else...

He must be special then. Hope he says yes, like Romeo and Juliet .

 

[MattersOfTheHeart]

He must be special then. Hope he says yes, like Romeo and Juliet .

Yes, that's what I'm hoping for too. He truly is special to me. And I do feel like Juliet and I actually really like that you used that comparison.

 

[Angel]

Yes, that's what I'm hoping for too. He truly is special to me. And I do feel like Juliet and I actually really like that you used that comparison.

Good luck, keep us updated. Xx

 

[MattersOfTheHeart]

Good luck, keep us updated. Xx

Thanks, I will <3

 

[am0]

Hey,

Fully respect your decision, everyone has their own reason.

Just on your method though, if you really do feel the need to call him prior, do no.4 before you do no.1. You could really fuck yourself up with the sleeping pills and if you don't end up killing yourself, you will needlessly do yourself damage. If you are about to kill yourself, it won't make any difference to his state of mind whether you have actually started it or not.

You should also try to resolve things with him prior to Jan 4. If he thinks you are about to kill yourself, he might say simply what you want to hear in the moment to keep you safe. I can appreciate that might be enough for you right now, considering how you are feeling, but it would be much better if he came back fully on his own accord.

I actually have hope for you that things are going to turn out ok. You would not be making an elaborate plan if you thought there was no chance he would come back.

 

[Trashcan]

This might be unpopular, but it's unfair to him to do that. It might come across as manipulative. Don't do it over a man.

My ex told me he had to be in the mental hospital. It turns out he was suicidal in part because he was single. Although I'm pro choice about suicide, it puts someone in an awkward position if you tell them they're the reason you're ctb. Because they don't have romantic feelings for you. Please don't do that.

He might end up saying yes just to try and talk you out of it, and then report you to authorities so you're taken to the mental hospital. Or he might think you're being manipulative. I'm not saying it's manupulative, but it can easily come across that way to someone.

 

[MattersOfTheHeart]

This might be unpopular, but it's unfair to him to do that. It might come across as manipulative. Don't do it over a man.

My ex told me he had to be in the mental hospital. It turns out he was suicidal in part because he was single. Although I'm pro choice about suicide, it puts someone in an awkward position if you tell them they're the reason you're ctb. Because they don't have romantic feelings for you. Please don't do that.

He might end up saying yes just to try and talk you out of it, and then report you to authorities so you're taken to the mental hospital. Or he might think you're being manipulative. I'm not saying it's manupulative, but it can easily come across that way to someone.

Well actually, it's not even that he doesn't have romantic feelings for me. The full situation is much more complex than that, and his parents are largely to blame. Basically, they're so toxic and abusive that they screwed up his mental health and emotional well-being to the point that he's having a very hard time processing and expressing feelings of love and happiness. He does still love me. He just isn't able to properly feel and express it at the moment. And I'm hoping that such drastic measures will snap him out of that and reawaken those feelings. Make him realize what a mistake he's making by handling the situation with his parents in a way that hurts me.

 

[MattersOfTheHeart]

Hey,

Fully respect your decision, everyone has their own reason.

Just on your method though, if you really do feel the need to call him prior, do no.4 before you do no.1. You could really fuck yourself up with the sleeping pills and if you don't end up killing yourself, you will needlessly do yourself damage. If you are about to kill yourself, it won't make any difference to his state of mind whether you have actually started it or not.

You should also try to resolve things with him prior to Jan 4. If he thinks you are about to kill yourself, he might say simply what you want to hear in the moment to keep you safe. I can appreciate that might be enough for you right now, considering how you are feeling, but it would be much better if he came back fully on his own accord.

I actually have hope for you that things are going to turn out ok. You would not be making an elaborate plan if you thought there was no chance he would come back.

Hmm, I might do that. Talk to him before starting my method, I mean. And as for trying to resolve things before Jan 4, I'm waiting for him to reach out to me. He has to be the one to make the effort to contact me. If I make the contact, and he's not willing to reconcile, talking to him at all will be too painful. If he makes the effort to contact me with the intention of reconciling, then I'll know it was his idea, and then all I have to do is agree to do it and then we'll be together again.

 

[hunter_lewis]

Well actually, it's not even that he doesn't have romantic feelings for me. The full situation is much more complex than that, and his parents are largely to blame. Basically, they're so toxic and abusive that they screwed up his mental health and emotional well-being to the point that he's having a very hard time processing and expressing feelings of love and happiness. He does still love me. He just isn't able to properly feel and express it at the moment. And I'm hoping that such drastic measures will snap him out of that and reawaken those feelings. Make him realize what a mistake he's making by handling the situation with his parents in a way that hurts me.

or maybe he isn't in love with you anymore.
You remind me a bit of someone that had a huge crush on me, but I didn't want him. He said something like 'Oh, hunter_lewis loves me-she just doesn't realize it at the moment!' I myself was in love with someone for 4 years, but in the end I realized it just wasn't going to work and I loved him more than my own life. But I was able to survive it, and so can you.
Having a broken heart can be very painful-but you can still try to find someone else. If that doesn't work out, you can still always die! Ctb is always an option. Death is always there, waiting for you. If you are so intent on dying, fine-but at least use another method than this Benadryl thing. You could risk messing upt up and not drowning.

 

[am0]

Hmm, I might do that. Talk to him before starting my method, I mean. And as for trying to resolve things before Jan 4, I'm waiting for him to reach out to me. He has to be the one to make the effort to contact me. If I make the contact, and he's not willing to reconcile, talking to him at all will be too painful. If he makes the effort to contact me with the intention of reconciling, then I'll know it was his idea, and then all I have to do is agree to do it and then we'll be together again.

1. That's good, I think that is much better.

2. At least reach out to him once before Jan 4, maybe a few days before. You do not want to wait a month and then the first thing he hears from you is that you are about to kill yourself, it will put him off balance. Talk to him say on Jan 2 or something so at least he knows how you are feeling, I know it is painful but it is only one time. If he is still not willing to talk to you, at least when you call him on Jan 4 he is already up to date on how you are feeling, the conversation may go a lot better.

 

[hunter_lewis]

This might be unpopular, but it's unfair to him to do that. It might come across as manipulative. Don't do it over a man.

My ex told me he had to be in the mental hospital. It turns out he was suicidal in part because he was single. Although I'm pro choice about suicide, it puts someone in an awkward position if you tell them they're the reason you're ctb. Because they don't have romantic feelings for you. Please don't do that.

He might end up saying yes just to try and talk you out of it, and then report you to authorities so you're taken to the mental hospital. Or he might think you're being manipulative. I'm not saying it's manupulative, but it can easily come across that way to someone.

I agree-it may come across as manipulative, and he just might say yes to save you and then tell you later that he doesn't want you.
Or he might call mental health services and they will put you in a ward.
Why don't you try talking to him in a non suicidal setting, and not telling him you will kill yourself over him if he doesn't love you? Maybe then you will get a true answer, and not one masked by sympathy just to not let you die but not by showing you what he really thinks.

 

[Shewaitsforme]

You can not kill yourself if someone does not want or cant be with you. If you loved someone you would not put that pressure or manipulation on them. My partber thought i was gonna leave her, went and killed herself in a hotel, ive been blaimed for it, lost her, my stepdaughter, house her family, my family, all my friends, my job. Been sectioned twice for suicidal tendencies, now smoke crack. Im angry at her because she has ruined my life all because she didnt want to be without me. Noone cares if i die because i deserve it, i cant leave my flat in fear ill be recognised as her suicide and our messages, our pictures were all over the newspapers. Do you really want to put him through that if you love him. If i was him id go to the police and tell them yoh plan to do that if he doesnt get back with you that way he will not have to go throught the absolute hell im going through because she killed herself.

 

[Shewaitsforme]

Well actually, it's not even that he doesn't have romantic feelings for me. The full situation is much more complex than that, and his parents are largely to blame. Basically, they're so toxic and abusive that they screwed up his mental health and emotional well-being to the point that he's having a very hard time processing and expressing feelings of love and happiness. He does still love me. He just isn't able to properly feel and express it at the moment. And I'm hoping that such drastic measures will snap him out of that and reawaken those feelings. Make him realize what a mistake he's making by handling the situation with his parents in a way that hurts me.

Exactly how i was wirh my partner, i cant express love and emotions never have been able to and for that ive been punished in the worst way possible. I did love her very much, we were due to get married but because i couldnt express myself all the time it made her feel like i djdnt want her enough or love her. Id sut on the sofa wishing i could kiss her more or cuddle up to her but i just couldnt and it broke her. Do not punish him for not being able to express himself.

 

[Angel]

You can not kill yourself if someone does not want or cant be with you. If you loved someone you would not put that pressure or manipulation on them. My partber thought i was gonna leave her, went and killed herself in a hotel, ive been blaimed for it, lost her, my stepdaughter, house her family, my family, all my friends, my job. Been sectioned twice for suicidal tendencies, now smoke crack. Im angry at her because she has ruined my life all because she didnt want to be without me. Noone cares if i die because i deserve it, i cant leave my flat in fear ill be recognised as her suicide and our messages, our pictures were all over the newspapers. Do you really want to put him through that if you love him. If i was him id go to the police and tell them yoh plan to do that if he doesnt get back with you that way he will not have to go throught the absolute hell im going through because she killed herself.

sorry to hear about this! Awful

 

[Shewaitsforme]

sorry to hear about this! Awful

It happebed in May and my life is just getting worse because of it, i have no future prospects now. I worked on the ambulance, cant show my face in work because im meant to save lives and my partner who im meant to protect killed herself because of me. I wish i could die too, the police confiscated my nitrogen last night as i was in A&E so looking for another method. I cant live anymore, she didnt even leave me a note, the coroner thinks she was trying to teach me a lesson but had a hypo as she hadnt eaten but her insulin pen was empty indicating she injected it all. I cant afford to move away so im stuck, every minute of the day hating myself, hating what shes done

 

[hunter_lewis]

if I were him, I would tell you that the sky is green and the ground blue just to save you-and then I would block your number forever, change my address so that you never find me again...because I don't want to be blaimed for your death.

 

[hunter_lewis]

It happebed in May and my life is just getting worse because of it, i have no future prospects now. I worked on the ambulance, cant show my face in work because im meant to save lives and my partner who im meant to protect killed herself because of me. I wish i could die too, the police confiscated my nitrogen last night as i was in A&E so looking for another method. I cant live anymore, she didnt even leave me a note, the coroner thinks she was trying to teach me a lesson but had a hypo as she hadnt eaten but her insulin pen was empty indicating she injected it all. I cant afford to move away so im stuck, every minute of the day hating myself, hating what shes done

can't you work somewhere else? Are you an EMT? Where I live, they would welcome you and pay you extra, because no one wants to work on an ambulance as the working conditions are quite tough!
I am so sorry for your loss-your ex was selfish person

 

[Angel]

It happebed in May and my life is just getting worse because of it, i have no future prospects now. I worked on the ambulance, cant show my face in work because im meant to save lives and my partner who im meant to protect killed herself because of me. I wish i could die too, the police confiscated my nitrogen last night as i was in A&E so looking for another method. I cant live anymore, she didnt even leave me a note, the coroner thinks she was trying to teach me a lesson but had a hypo as she hadnt eaten but her insulin pen was empty indicating she injected it all. I cant afford to move away so im stuck, every minute of the day hating myself, hating what shes done

Can't imagine the pain you are going through, pm if you ever want to talk .we are here for you .

 

[Bex83]

Can't imagine the pain you are going through, pm if you ever want to talk .we are here for you .[/QUOT second this :(

 

[Shewaitsforme]

can't you work somewhere else? Are you an EMT? Where I live, they would welcome you and pay you extra, because no one wants to work on an ambulance as the working conditions are quite tough!
I am so sorry for your loss-your ex was selfish person

No im a level below EMT, im urgent care. I dont think i can there is a risk of me being around medication due to overdoses and being suicidal thats why they wont let me keep my job, i onky started in Jan afyer years of working hard to get the job, i did another college course so £4000 more in debt now. I worked up the road from the house we were in, she was so proud of me, if she was hkme and i was working going past she woukd wave at me through the window, text me to see if i was in the ambulance that passed her if she was out. The hotel she died in i passed most days whilst going out to a patient or back to hospital so its like shes tainted my job. When i was taken to a psych ward it was via ambulance, i was actually meant to be working that day on that shift, on that ambulance instead he and another colleage took me in to be sectioned so everyone on station knows everything now. I cant loom at any of them. She has literally taken my life away from me knowing full well what it would do to me and she didnt care. She wanted to punish me and its worked better than she probably imagined. I was part of a lesbian community here in Manchester and now i cant go to the village because they blame me, it was all over facebook, she worked in the only lesbian bar here and was well liked, they have united against me so i dont go out at all, i dont speak to anyone.