I never was someone who should have been allowed to live on the face of this wretched planet
I was a liar and a cheat and a parasite and a coward and a disloyal whore for as long as I could remember. A horrible daughter by any standard, a friend who disappears in one's time of need, a lover who would seduce then stab a knife into your heart and twist it. Someone who would throw their own people and belief under the bus out of cowardice and greed. Narcissistic and greedy and needy and willing to set the world on fire just for the hell of it, just for the kick my ego got out of it. I'm too good at manipulating people. I'm too good at doing everything that makes people perceive me just as I want them, to hand me over anything I want.
I can be a sexy little harlot in a downtown alley, a spunky piece of ass with long acrylic nails, big hoop earrings and lashes who eats men for breakfast. I can be an elegant lady clad in pearls and silk in a hotel lobby, the splitting image of decorum and witty humor, conversing effortlessly about the uncanny contrast between Renoir's deep suffering in his life and the striking beauty of his art. I can be the girl next door with a sunny gap-toothed smile and a pair of well-worn jeans.
Money. A jail-free card out of literal criminal charges. Their bodies. Their deepest, darkest secrets. Ones that would ruin entire legacies and lives. To forgive things that shouldn't be forgiven. I am a child running around free with scissors, coated head-to-toe in blood because noone has been big enough to truly discipline me. Therapy doesn't work on me because I end up manipulating my therapists subconsciously.
I don't think I should be forgiven. And even if I somehow did talk to every single one of the people I hurt, confessed everything I did and got them to genuinely forgive me for what I've done to them, I still wouldn't forgive myself. I'm fucking evil.
and all I've been good for is failing people who placed their genuine trust in me and breaking their hearts in a million selfish morally bankrupt ways.
I've been given so much talent and privilege but I've sunken low past the hope of any redemption, to be someone worthy of wielding such a thing and exist as I please
All my hope has gone. I am too far gone for anyone to truly understand, forgive or embrace. I think I'm ready to catch the bus.
I was a liar and a cheat and a parasite and a coward and a disloyal whore for as long as I could remember. A horrible daughter by any standard, a friend who disappears in one's time of need, a lover who would seduce then stab a knife into your heart and twist it. Someone who would throw their own people and belief under the bus out of cowardice and greed. Narcissistic and greedy and needy and willing to set the world on fire just for the hell of it, just for the kick my ego got out of it. I'm too good at manipulating people. I'm too good at doing everything that makes people perceive me just as I want them, to hand me over anything I want.
I can be a sexy little harlot in a downtown alley, a spunky piece of ass with long acrylic nails, big hoop earrings and lashes who eats men for breakfast. I can be an elegant lady clad in pearls and silk in a hotel lobby, the splitting image of decorum and witty humor, conversing effortlessly about the uncanny contrast between Renoir's deep suffering in his life and the striking beauty of his art. I can be the girl next door with a sunny gap-toothed smile and a pair of well-worn jeans.
Money. A jail-free card out of literal criminal charges. Their bodies. Their deepest, darkest secrets. Ones that would ruin entire legacies and lives. To forgive things that shouldn't be forgiven. I am a child running around free with scissors, coated head-to-toe in blood because noone has been big enough to truly discipline me. Therapy doesn't work on me because I end up manipulating my therapists subconsciously.
I don't think I should be forgiven. And even if I somehow did talk to every single one of the people I hurt, confessed everything I did and got them to genuinely forgive me for what I've done to them, I still wouldn't forgive myself. I'm fucking evil.
and all I've been good for is failing people who placed their genuine trust in me and breaking their hearts in a million selfish morally bankrupt ways.
I've been given so much talent and privilege but I've sunken low past the hope of any redemption, to be someone worthy of wielding such a thing and exist as I please
All my hope has gone. I am too far gone for anyone to truly understand, forgive or embrace. I think I'm ready to catch the bus.
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