Venting i've ruined my life

[gotomrg]

im 20 now. when i was 16-17 i was everything i want to be now. i used to be skinny (totally a beauty bare minimum in my country, not even a beauty standard), popular in a way i guess, perceived by other people as funny, witty, smart, pretty, desirable, sociable on the level that i wanted to be. i was 16 when i lost my virginity and was sexual enough for me to be satisfied and feel good about myself. i felt smart, i felt even kinda hopeful for the future. you know that song future by billie eilish? yep that was my jam back then.

when i entered a very good university and met my new girlfriend i was 17. we've been dating for 2,5 years now. she's a vulnerable narcissist and a very neglecting partner. from the start she almost never gave me compliments, gifts, anything. she was (and still is) very abusive, subconsciously manipulative, toxic. she takes up all the space, there's no room for me or how i feel. and she banned every possible emotion i can have. me feeling sad = me being a pussy. me feeling mad = me being a crazy psycho. she's always jealous and i dont give her any reason to be. she can't express her emotions normally and can't react to mine in a non toxic way.
she's been trying to change (if you can call journaling and watching videos on youtube trying), but its not enough. she's rotten. she's ruined my self-esteem, my ability to feel normally. she left me with no opportunity to be myself when im sad or just not in a good mood. i always give everything i have, i waste all my energy on her and its never enough. and she gives me almost nothing, really.
we have a huge sex problem (i.e. she almost never has sex with me and sits in another room and pleasures herself during our "fights")
she claims she loves me (so much), that im beautiful, that im funny. and it never shows.

my first suicide "attempt" (i tried to fall from the public balcony on 18th floor, not sure if it counts) after i arranged her a date, paid for it. that was the moment i realized that she never did anything for me. we've been dating for 6 months. then we had our first relationship crisis and she started trying to change.

i started cutting myself. i gained a lot of weight. i cant even think of myself as feminine or a female now (and i really want to). i think the society sees me as just an awkward quiet big gal who always skips classes and is boring. i feel terrible in general and i feel terrible about myself. i've tried to lose weight multiple times during our relationship (i've tried since i was 12, actually. i have an ed) and it never works.
i see no point in trying to change how i look now since when i was much smaller, more likable, open, prettier and so on… i was treated by her like the worst person in the world. no matter how i look i'll be treated horribly with her. no matter how much i try it will never be enough.
she has ruined my opportunity to feel good when she's not nice to me. and she's only nice to me when i do everything right and we get to finally hang out in the evening (just a little). she wastes her whole day doing nothing (we also live in MY apartment) and then at 11 pm she finally comes to see me. i stay up till 3 am to spend time with her and then (if im lucky) wake up at 8 am and go to classes. she does nothing to be with me. in all senses.

i feel gross. i feel disgusting. and i cant do anything about it. i can't get myself to change because of the reason i mentioned earlier. i cant break up with her because 1. i love her. 2. if i fail at love, if i fail with the person i've devoted my best years to… i'm just gonna use SN and bye bye

i've helped and still help her so much in her changing process. i am her girlfriend, but i'm also her mother, therapist, mentor, cheerleader, prey, punching bag and a bestie.

i dont know what im waiting for. a miracle? i should have jumped from that balcony 2 years ago. actually it's 2 years and 6 days now.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Run like hell my friend. My ex was a narcissist. They are incapable of change. They are incapable of loving you in the way that you love them. They are greatly lacking in empathy and are pathological liars. They will also eventually destroy your sanity. Just run, and never look back. I spent 6 years with my ex. 6 years of mindfuckery.

 

[waterrrrrrrrrbottel]

Break up with her. Run. You may think you're a shell of what you once were, but you have time. JUST RUN!!

 

[gotomrg]

Run like hell my friend. My ex was a narcissist. They are incapable of change. They are incapable of loving you in the way that you love them. They are greatly lacking in empathy and are pathological liars. They will also eventually destroy your sanity. Just run, and never look back. I spent 6 years with my ex. 6 years of mindfuckery.

empathy. crying on my knees while she's giving me a death stare. not a care in the world. not giving a damn about me. incapable of feeling anything but narcissistic rage when she's in the wrong.
i dont know how to run. i've tried countless times. she begs me to stay. asks for a deadline to make things better. then the deadline comes. things get better. i stay. and then she's back at it again.
how did you manage to leave your ex?

 

[loopdaloop]

You have to leave her and detach yourself from that relationship to seriously assess the damage that has been done to you, you don't have to rush into anything. It's possible to survive narcissistic abuse, though the trauma will still be there. But first, run.

 

[gotomrg]

Break up with her. Run. You may think you're a shell of what you once were, but you have time. JUST RUN!!

You have to leave her and detach yourself from that relationship to seriously assess the damage that has been done to you, you don't have to rush into anything. It's possible to survive narcissistic abuse, though the trauma will still be there. But first, run.

thank you for responding. i guess i should do my research on how to break up with a narcissist, because i've tried so many times and im still there.

 

[Kerrtu]

thank you for responding. i guess i should do my research on how to break up with a narcissist, because i've tried so many times and im still there.

I no longer use Reddit but I do recall the r/raisedbynarcissists sub. A lot of useful advice there. I think the sub branched out and may have more specific narcissist survival subs, but I'd start with r/raisedbynarcissists if you're curious.

 

[Jezzibell]

I so relate to what you say. One of the problems here is co-dependency on your side.

I know its easier said than done but you have to break up. You really have to. This person has
- taken your self esteem
' demeaned and belittled you
- does not have any respect for you
- is drawing energy and deriving pleasure by manipulating you and keeping you from being an equal partner in your relationship. She has all the control.

The more you put up with it, the worse it will become. When you stand up against her you will most likely come up against manipulation but if you stand strong she will realise she cannot keep carrying on like she does and either the control scales will become more balanced or she will shrug it off.

Whatever her reaction, you must break up with her. You are being destroyed day by day and you need to try and stop thinking that your life needs her, depends on her. It doesn't.

The situation and her toxicity will never improve. Never ever. She really isn't worth another second of your time.

And as for weight ' in these circumstances I can completely relate to weight gain. But you know what friend? You can lose weight. She cannot change who she is. She is a terrible monstef of a human being. You are not.

Please. Think about what you could do like moving in with family but never ever let someone take so much from you. I did it but the moment I got the courage to walk away, my life changed for the better and I never looked back. Ensure you cut all tues but please don't stay with her. Xxxxxxxxx

 

[jolongone]

I was in a similar relationship which went from lust to rust. I have this person the best 16 years of my life and my advice to you is don't do what l did. Run very very fast and don't look back, l promise you will not regret it

 

[ToTheTwillight]

A lot of thoughts probably were built in your head that you are stuck and glued to her, remember you are not even married, so you could separate. I wouldn't go to the extreme and say you permanently ruined your life, but a no brainer is that you have to detach yourself from her at all cost possible and move on.

 

[AresCohere]

You have hope, you just need to get away from her. For you, living is the right choice as there is a better way out.

I believe in you…

 

[SexyIncél]

Sam Vaknin's the best source I know on narcissism

Maybe start with: Breaking up with a Narcissist. If you see your situation, he has a youtube channel and website

 

[imcurious]

I sense a little co-dependency on your side which is why breaking up with her is not as simple as it seems. Narcissistic people have tendencies to isolate their partners and manipulate them into believing there is no one else for them. It's a power tactic to secure their partners to them.

You are young, you are beautiful, and you have time to turn things around. Is it possible to move in with your parents?

I suggest using online resources on how to break up with a narcisstic. After that, you gotta do what's painful but also what's best: you have to delete her phone number and block her on all forms of social media.

I wish you luck.

 

[SoftWorries]

There is an excellent memoire called In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado which is about her time being abused in a girl/girl relationships. I think it would be great for you to read. It's written in a cool way and is just all around excellent and well researched.

I've also been abused by women I've been dating and this book really helped.

 

[The anhedonic one]

empathy. crying on my knees while she's giving me a death stare. not a care in the world. not giving a damn about me. incapable of feeling anything but narcissistic rage when she's in the wrong.
i dont know how to run. i've tried countless times. she begs me to stay. asks for a deadline to make things better. then the deadline comes. things get better. i stay. and then she's back at it again.
how did you manage to leave your ex?

She eventually drove me to attempt suicide. I woke up in the hospital. She didn't even visit me. I told a psychiatrist about her. The psychiatrist explained to me that She was obviously a narcissist. I never knew what a narcissist was up until then. Everything began to make sense from that moment on, so I left her shortly after.
So sorry you went through this too. Narcissists are monsters.