Venting I’ve realized I’m the problem

[MiMif]

Not really sure if this is a vent but I've just come to the massive realization I'm the problem. I haven't been on here for a while but I made a date like right after my last one…will I go through with it will I not idk.

I'm so sick of making dates and not doing anything. The dates July 3rd.

However back to the title. My friends which I've written a few posts like months ago about how much I hate them…they threw me a surprise party…I was kinda surprised not really cause I overheard them. And my father who I've also wrote multiple posts about hating actually was pretty nice to me on my birthday. He gave me some money.

I realized then that I was the problem. I will never be satisfied with what I have and how kind the people around me are to me I will always want more and think there's something wrong with them when it's me.

I was upset at them not being close to me and me being a third wheel but now that I think of it that's largely because I distanced myself in the first place. The worst part is even while writing this I'm trying to come up with excuses for myself and make them to be the bad person again.

My dad… yeah I still think he's trash but even so he is right on a lot of things. I can afford to get an education unlike many other people. I have two parents and am not starving. I have no real world problems.

My existence pains me yet I hold on to it. I really hope I go through on my date but honestly I'm so tired. I've continually made dates and repeatedly not done them and it's so infuriating I hate myself so much.

This isn't a pity post cause honestly I'm an awful person and I'm just now beginning to realize. No fake friends would throw a surprise party like that.

I'll blame it on my bpd but I can't keep going there. I'm tired it's 3 am rn and I have to go out with those same friends tommorow…. Yeah that's it

 

[Dark Window]

Well, do they usually treat you like this?

How do they usually treat you to make you hate them?

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

That doesn't mean you're the problem, no one is perfect, and you're not an awful person, BPD tells you that. You're obviously hurting, especially with BPD, and that is the issue with BPD - internal struggles, that no one can see. Constant emotional pain.

It's always worth trying to get help for it, you know? And perhaps things you've tried before, didn't help, but it is worth trying again.

It takes a long time to get better, BPD is hard because of the emotional pain it comes with it, and it is very stigmatised and sometimes we think everyone is the same as the people that have hurt us, and it's really difficult to see differently.

I'm not saying you have to try, but I'm saying you can get better, it is hard though, of course.

I do understand your pain. There's lots of us with BPD on here, I promise you're not alone in this.

Those with BPD generally aren't awful people, they are very traumatised people. People with BPD are highly sensitive, get overwhelmed easily, feel very intensely and are very empathetic individuals, and tend to be people pleasers - it is incredibly difficult to overcome that, try not to beat yourself up. I do not think you're an awful person, or the problem, not for one second.

I wish you the best with whatever you decide, but please remember, BPD can sometimes makes us think things that aren't true, like about ourselves.

Generally, those that *think* they're awful, usually aren't. Try to remember that

 

[MiMif]

Well, do they usually treat you like this?

How do they usually treat you to make you hate them?

I'm not even sure. Honestly my memory is really whacked up but honestly I just have major issues. Whenever someone I like (I'm aromantic so I'm talking about platonically) gets slightly closer to someone and I realize I'm not the most important or at least one of the most important people in their lives like they are for me I start freaking out. I have issues.

Were they great friends….honestly they were very nice but I'm just too much. Something similar happened to an online group I was in. A person jokingly said they hated me after I asked them and then me not taking it as a joke started freaking out and left only to come back a few minutes later to see them saying it's whatever and then I left again and didn't come back. They later private messaged me and said they don't hate me but I'm too much for them and they can't love me the way I want them too.

No one ever will be able to…I do t even know what I want from anyone I just want someone who understands

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I too am the problem in my situation. I find myself being attracted to the warmest people, and when they aren't interested in me I become quite despondent. I wish I could be like them.