Venting I've never had a personality.

[narcluciddreams]

It was always a facade.

Ever since I remember, I never had a real, genuine personality. It was always just a conglomeration of individual traits that I adopted in order to survive in society. I've never had a true inner identity that could tell me what to do that was in tact with my "self." Hence my irresponsible behaviour and opportunism. Morality for me does not exist.

It has always been all about me the entire time.

Over the years, I met many people I thought I loved, liked. I devoted time to them, but only if they gave me benefits. When the benefits, whether emotional, material or otherwise, ended, along with them my familiarity or continued willingness to help. Recently, I realized my selfishness. I never really cared about anyone.

I have never been able to fall in love.

I have met many beautiful women throughout my life. I had meaningful (then) relationships with some. But it was all a game I played with them. I manipulated those innocent beings to feed my hungry soul, which could never be satisfied. My appetite and expectations towards the person grew as the time passed by. It was always my fault that the relationship ended, either I got bored with my victim, or she was too emotionally drained to continue the relationship.

I have been looking for someone to love me like a mother loves it's child.

I wanted protecting and understanding my mother could never give me. I feel like she never really cared about my inner core which was absent, she assumed if I had a roof to live under and food to eat, I was good to go, but in reality, I wanted more than a mere tools for survival. I always felt more than human, even though I wasn't. Same with my father, always absent, never could talk to him honestly. My brothers? Same as my father. As the time passed by, I started to realize my void couldn't be filled by anyone or anything. It is unmanageable.

I am but a child protecting himself from the outside world, craving something I wasn't taught to feel.

With every person I meet, a possible emotional destruction may occur. All the time, I wish to be able to love and treat people like my brothers, but I just can't. I see them as mere objects, waiting to be used and manipulated like a puppets in my tragic theatre.

This is why I'm going to CTB.

I am going to eliminate myself so I can finally breathe, no more shackled by my faulty brain. No longer a slave to the system. No longer human trash toying with people. Just a memory of once a happy human. In reality, never happy. I have always made good appearances...

 

[jodes2]

Sorry you're suffering

 

[UnlimitedPain]

I relate to this on a whole level you actually worded somethings in my mind better then I could because I lack the power to express/ stand up for myself.

I have always felt like a blank vessel just wondering through this world

Am so sorry for your suffering and if you wanna talk PM me

I am shedding a tear for us both

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds awful what you have been through, it certainly can be prison like being trapped in this existence where people have to endure situations that they have limited control over. I hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think your level of self awareness and honesty about it is impressive- although it's obviously just awful for you.

It does sound massively like this was done to you in childhood. I agree- I think we need stability and support both emotionally and physically while growing up- otherwise we don't develop properly and find the big wide world of people incredibly difficult to relate to.

Not that it will solve your problems and not that you sound like you feel the want to try and 'recover' or understand but do you ever look at YouTube for stuff on this? 'Crappy Childhood Fairy' covers a lot of CPTSD subjects like emotional neglect and its result. Might be worth checking out. It won't solve the issue of course but might make a bit more sense of it (although I kind of suspect from your language and descriptions that you already suspect the root cause). I wish you well whatever you decide and am sorry for how you feel- or the lack of feeling I guess.

 

[Nirrend]

It was always a facade.

Ever since I remember, I never had a real, genuine personality. It was always just a conglomeration of individual traits that I adopted in order to survive in society. I've never had a true inner identity that could tell me what to do that was in tact with my "self." Hence my irresponsible behaviour and opportunism. Morality for me does not exist.

It has always been all about me the entire time.

Over the years, I met many people I thought I loved, liked. I devoted time to them, but only if they gave me benefits. When the benefits, whether emotional, material or otherwise, ended, along with them my familiarity or continued willingness to help. Recently, I realized my selfishness. I never really cared about anyone.

I have never been able to fall in love.

I have met many beautiful women throughout my life. I had meaningful (then) relationships with some. But it was all a game I played with them. I manipulated those innocent beings to feed my hungry soul, which could never be satisfied. My appetite and expectations towards the person grew as the time passed by. It was always my fault that the relationship ended, either I got bored with my victim, or she was too emotionally drained to continue the relationship.

I have been looking for someone to love me like a mother loves it's child.

I wanted protecting and understanding my mother could never give me. I feel like she never really cared about my inner core which was absent, she assumed if I had a roof to live under and food to eat, I was good to go, but in reality, I wanted more than a mere tools for survival. I always felt more than human, even though I wasn't. Same with my father, always absent, never could talk to him honestly. My brothers? Same as my father. As the time passed by, I started to realize my void couldn't be filled by anyone or anything. It is unmanageable.

I am but a child protecting himself from the outside world, craving something I wasn't taught to feel.

With every person I meet, a possible emotional destruction may occur. All the time, I wish to be able to love and treat people like my brothers, but I just can't. I see them as mere objects, waiting to be used and manipulated like a puppets in my tragic theatre.

This is why I'm going to CTB.

I am going to eliminate myself so I can finally breathe, no more shackled by my faulty brain. No longer a slave to the system. No longer human trash toying with people. Just a memory of once a happy human. In reality, never happy. I have always made good appearances...

Hi sweet @narcluciddreams

I'm sorry you're suffering so much ❤

From what I'm reading I get the impression that you are profiling your personality as "antisocial" and at the same time "Borderline"

I understand that you are suffering, I suppose that you often feel guilty, malicious, that you would like to be loved but as you describe it with your words, people are sometimes in your eyes pieces of a chessboard?

I understand that you suffer, but at the root of it all, you are not to blame

What I mean by that is that, as you describe it, certainly the acts come from you but the causes of these acts do not depend on you

I suppose you experienced a lack of presence and love when you were younger, maybe rejection, meanness or manipulation

Even if your behaviour makes you feel lonely, don't blame yourself for the things you do, because if you act like this, maybe there is a reason

Maybe because that's the way you were given love? Maybe because your trust has been abused? Maybe because you don't like yourself so much that you use strategies to make sure you are not alone

Everyone has faults but everyone has qualities too

You know, already you're aware of this, you feel guilt. You would be really bad, you wouldn't even tell yourself that, or you wouldn't care about the consequences of your actions ❤

I understand that you think about suicide, you feel in a dead end, alone, and I imagine you are afraid that people would reject you even more if they knew the way you acted

I think that, as I said to another member, if deep inside you, sincerely and reasonably, you love yourself and accept your wounds and your successes, your faults and your qualities, then you will be able to sincerely love others for what they are to you more than what they can bring you

We won't judge you here, and even though you might feel ashamed right now explaining all this to us, I assure you there is no need ❤

Have fun or practice imagining how someone might feel in situations that are quite simple to begin with, the more we stimulate our sense of empathy, compassion, the more we will feel turned on and attracted to people in an emotional sense

For example, being in mourning, transpose it to your experience and assume that of the other, a dismissal, a success in an exam, winning a large sum of money...

At first the deductions will be simplistic, but as you do this, you will realise that because we understand them, we are better able to love them and understand them more and more in the complexity of each person's unique life

By the way, I don't claim to be aiming right when I try to understand your feeling but if I succeeded then I hope it touches you or interests you to maybe reproduce it ❤

I understand that it seems hard for you because your search for "a woman who would love you like her son" seems to testify your search for a desired mother that you never had

You'll see, just by sending support here to others, you'll develop that sense of empathy, people will reciprocate that and that beneficial spiral will remind you how behind the aspects you don't like about yourself, you can be a good person ❤

I hope my words weren't hurtful ❤

Keep that courage you have, things will get better, I sincerely hope so ❤

Love ❤