kuroshimi
If you're not remembered, then you never existed.
- Dec 1, 2025
- 160
I think that someday that moment will come. Cried again last night, thinking that I am a mistake. The world never wanted me to live. And I feel it.
My life is a total curse. I am struggling since school, have always being alone in real life. Most time I was escaping from reality on the internet and that helped a lot: I met so many cool people there. Without them, my life will be as sad as possible and I probably already be gone (but still not sure, considering that I didn't know ctb methods thoroughly).
I was always been sad, dramatic, melancholic and very emotional. I thought it was my personality trait. Well, turns out it was a mental disorder and I think it's terminal. I feel like burden to the family and friends. I don't think they want to see me this way. But so far, I've been able to hide it. I'm not sure how long it will last before I die. Only some of my internet friends know about my ideation and that I have some plans to do so. I was not afraid to told them, since they are very understanding and also struggling with mental issues.
I started to properly prepare myself to CTB last couple of months. I feel that my condition is worsening again (after I took off meds this summer). Not surprising though, as I became very uncertain about my future in this crazy world and my past is literally destroyed. I have never lived a fully life and I don't even think I will. Today I practiced hanging one more time and I became even more confident.
At the same time I don't really want to die? I don't actually know, I still have some hope left, but I'm not sure it will really get better. Enough time has passed and it's still miserable. Maybe I just want to be left alone and simply seeking for peace.
My life is a total curse. I am struggling since school, have always being alone in real life. Most time I was escaping from reality on the internet and that helped a lot: I met so many cool people there. Without them, my life will be as sad as possible and I probably already be gone (but still not sure, considering that I didn't know ctb methods thoroughly).
I was always been sad, dramatic, melancholic and very emotional. I thought it was my personality trait. Well, turns out it was a mental disorder and I think it's terminal. I feel like burden to the family and friends. I don't think they want to see me this way. But so far, I've been able to hide it. I'm not sure how long it will last before I die. Only some of my internet friends know about my ideation and that I have some plans to do so. I was not afraid to told them, since they are very understanding and also struggling with mental issues.
I started to properly prepare myself to CTB last couple of months. I feel that my condition is worsening again (after I took off meds this summer). Not surprising though, as I became very uncertain about my future in this crazy world and my past is literally destroyed. I have never lived a fully life and I don't even think I will. Today I practiced hanging one more time and I became even more confident.
At the same time I don't really want to die? I don't actually know, I still have some hope left, but I'm not sure it will really get better. Enough time has passed and it's still miserable. Maybe I just want to be left alone and simply seeking for peace.
