Venting I've never been able to actually care about anyone

[swanegg333]

Ive never actually been able to care about anyone, to practically any extent. I "care" about injustice, i have personal politics and I talk about them and make an effort to do what's right for my community, but i only do it because its what i perceive as "right". I could just as easily turn a blind eye to it and never think about it again. I've never actually loved anyone, I had a girlfriend for a year but i broke up with her because i thought she'd probably do better with someone who can actually care about her, i knew she cared about me and i really was only with her because she wanted to be with me. Ive never cared for my family, im almost entirely apathetic to them. I can fake niceties and talk to them and ask them how theyre doing, but i dont really feel for them at all. my parents are getting divorced and i was told the news and only got upset because it disrupted my daily life and i got over it in 2 days. i wouldn't care much if they died. they expected me to not care at all about the divorce.

I am autistic, so my low empathy and fake sympathy is probably best explained by that, but i cant help but think that im a fundamentally broken person. I have never actually connected with another person and i am lonely. i dont think this is something that can be fixed. combined with my other mental health issues and physical health issues, its just so much of a chore to try and keep myself alive. I've always been like this.

It could stem from extreme neglect in my childhood. My mother has schizoaffective bipolar type, and I depressive type. She was institutionalized multiple times throughout my childhood, and it caused my father to become depressed. Since her episodes their relationship has been strained and it was what caused my dad to cheat on her and what has ultimately caused the divorce. The neglect was bad enough that CPS was called on my family about 3 times by the school i was at and yet they found nothing and we were left there. Since then they have both improved but not by much.

My parents never communicated anything, they never talked about their issues or tried to fix anything while it was happening and it probably affected me to a degree. I never actually coped with anything that happened, i just compartmentalized until it didnt matter at all to me anymore. this is one of the reasons i dont think therapy would work for me, and why i have ultimately decided upon ending my life. it is too much work for a very low chance that i could be improved upon, and it will cost my parents a lot of money, when there is a large chance that i will just die anyway, so there's really no point to it. My sister is already in therapies and they have not really worked for her and i dont want to be institutionalized like her and my mother because i value my privacy and being under constant surveilance would make my hallucinations and paranoia worse.

I was the only planned child out of my fathers 3 marriages, and 8 children (that he knows of). I was only concieved to be a companion for my sister, but she has no need for me any more and i have no particular talents, nor an inclination to live so i feel like it isnt much of a waste to die at this point of my life. My other siblings are either bad people, normal, or just not in contact with me. My father has a tendency to halfway abandon his children, along with his tendency to begin long term relationships with people who should not be in one with him, so it should be expected that their children are messed up in some form. the rest of my siblings are all more adept to life than me though, even the one that keeps ""attempting"" to CTB in strange ways so that she can have attention, i will not deny that she does have a real struggle, but every single one of her attempts that i have been privy to (a large amount) has been almost entirely non-lethal. She has also admitted that her attempts have been to make our father pay attention to her due to him abandoning her for my mother and causing her distress in her childhood. She has abused me severely so i do not care for her, as evident with previous text.

The suicidal ideation really got started in the 2nd grade. my mother and father told me that i was just picking it up from aforementioned sibling and did nothing except say that i didnt know what i was saying to me. that was my only ever attempt to reach out. their opinons have probably shifted by now, but the window of oppourtunity has been missed and i dont really care to "improve" my state of being.

I know my parents and my family would most likely be sad if i died, especially if i killed myself, but i dont really care. I have put my all into trying to care and nothing has come up so i have decided to stop really pretending.

I have attraction to people, but i have resolved to never enter a relationship again because i cant care about anyone to a significant degree. I know that anyone i have dated or would date would be upset by that so i have not told anyone the reason for this. I am asexual so celibacy is really nothing significant to me, and though i have gotten close to it, i have never actually had sex, and the times when i have gotten close to it i had no real want to. I have a degree of sexual trauma that i have repressed so far that i cannot remember it, but i know that something happened, but thats not where my asexuality came from.

sorry for the long post, i just wanted to talk about these things that ive never let anyone ever know about

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I know this is not really related to the OPs post, exactly, but something I have never been able to do is believe someone, with whom I was in a romantic relationship, when they would tell me that they loved me. I could just never understand how anyone could love me, and so I didn't, I couldn't. I just always thought they were either lying, or they were just plain wrong and didn't know what they were saying. My only point is that we all have all kinds of hang-ups when it comes to interacting with other people in this world.

 

[sayire]

Ive never actually been able to care about anyone, to practically any extent. I "care" about injustice, i have personal politics and I talk about them and make an effort to do what's right for my community, but i only do it because its what i perceive as "right". I could just as easily turn a blind eye to it and never think about it again. I've never actually loved anyone, I had a girlfriend for a year but i broke up with her because i thought she'd probably do better with someone who can actually care about her, i knew she cared about me and i really was only with her because she wanted to be with me. Ive never cared for my family, im almost entirely apathetic to them. I can fake niceties and talk to them and ask them how theyre doing, but i dont really feel for them at all. my parents are getting divorced and i was told the news and only got upset because it disrupted my daily life and i got over it in 2 days. i wouldn't care much if they died. they expected me to not care at all about the divorce.

I am autistic, so my low empathy and fake sympathy is probably best explained by that, but i cant help but think that im a fundamentally broken person. I have never actually connected with another person and i am lonely. i dont think this is something that can be fixed. combined with my other mental health issues and physical health issues, its just so much of a chore to try and keep myself alive. I've always been like this.

It could stem from extreme neglect in my childhood. My mother has schizoaffective bipolar type, and I depressive type. She was institutionalized multiple times throughout my childhood, and it caused my father to become depressed. Since her episodes their relationship has been strained and it was what caused my dad to cheat on her and what has ultimately caused the divorce. The neglect was bad enough that CPS was called on my family about 3 times by the school i was at and yet they found nothing and we were left there. Since then they have both improved but not by much.

My parents never communicated anything, they never talked about their issues or tried to fix anything while it was happening and it probably affected me to a degree. I never actually coped with anything that happened, i just compartmentalized until it didnt matter at all to me anymore. this is one of the reasons i dont think therapy would work for me, and why i have ultimately decided upon ending my life. it is too much work for a very low chance that i could be improved upon, and it will cost my parents a lot of money, when there is a large chance that i will just die anyway, so there's really no point to it. My sister is already in therapies and they have not really worked for her and i dont want to be institutionalized like her and my mother because i value my privacy and being under constant surveilance would make my hallucinations and paranoia worse.

I was the only planned child out of my fathers 3 marriages, and 8 children (that he knows of). I was only concieved to be a companion for my sister, but she has no need for me any more and i have no particular talents, nor an inclination to live so i feel like it isnt much of a waste to die at this point of my life. My other siblings are either bad people, normal, or just not in contact with me. My father has a tendency to halfway abandon his children, along with his tendency to begin long term relationships with people who should not be in one with him, so it should be expected that their children are messed up in some form. the rest of my siblings are all more adept to life than me though, even the one that keeps ""attempting"" to CTB in strange ways so that she can have attention, i will not deny that she does have a real struggle, but every single one of her attempts that i have been privy to (a large amount) has been almost entirely non-lethal. She has also admitted that her attempts have been to make our father pay attention to her due to him abandoning her for my mother and causing her distress in her childhood. She has abused me severely so i do not care for her, as evident with previous text.

The suicidal ideation really got started in the 2nd grade. my mother and father told me that i was just picking it up from aforementioned sibling and did nothing except say that i didnt know what i was saying to me. that was my only ever attempt to reach out. their opinons have probably shifted by now, but the window of oppourtunity has been missed and i dont really care to "improve" my state of being.

I know my parents and my family would most likely be sad if i died, especially if i killed myself, but i dont really care. I have put my all into trying to care and nothing has come up so i have decided to stop really pretending.

I have attraction to people, but i have resolved to never enter a relationship again because i cant care about anyone to a significant degree. I know that anyone i have dated or would date would be upset by that so i have not told anyone the reason for this. I am asexual so celibacy is really nothing significant to me, and though i have gotten close to it, i have never actually had sex, and the times when i have gotten close to it i had no real want to. I have a degree of sexual trauma that i have repressed so far that i cannot remember it, but i know that something happened, but thats not where my asexuality came from.

sorry for the long post, i just wanted to talk about these things that ive never let anyone ever know about

I liked reading your self aware post. At the same time it shows how difficult it is to "fix" oneself even after being self aware. It is a truly sad reality for many of us. the experiences we go through when we are kids truly are very hard to get reprogrammed over even we desperately want to!

I wish you the best in finding your path to peace

 

[sserafim]

Ive never actually been able to care about anyone, to practically any extent. I "care" about injustice, i have personal politics and I talk about them and make an effort to do what's right for my community, but i only do it because its what i perceive as "right". I could just as easily turn a blind eye to it and never think about it again. I've never actually loved anyone, I had a girlfriend for a year but i broke up with her because i thought she'd probably do better with someone who can actually care about her, i knew she cared about me and i really was only with her because she wanted to be with me. Ive never cared for my family, im almost entirely apathetic to them. I can fake niceties and talk to them and ask them how theyre doing, but i dont really feel for them at all. my parents are getting divorced and i was told the news and only got upset because it disrupted my daily life and i got over it in 2 days. i wouldn't care much if they died. they expected me to not care at all about the divorce.

I am autistic, so my low empathy and fake sympathy is probably best explained by that, but i cant help but think that im a fundamentally broken person. I have never actually connected with another person and i am lonely. i dont think this is something that can be fixed. combined with my other mental health issues and physical health issues, its just so much of a chore to try and keep myself alive. I've always been like this.

It could stem from extreme neglect in my childhood. My mother has schizoaffective bipolar type, and I depressive type. She was institutionalized multiple times throughout my childhood, and it caused my father to become depressed. Since her episodes their relationship has been strained and it was what caused my dad to cheat on her and what has ultimately caused the divorce. The neglect was bad enough that CPS was called on my family about 3 times by the school i was at and yet they found nothing and we were left there. Since then they have both improved but not by much.

My parents never communicated anything, they never talked about their issues or tried to fix anything while it was happening and it probably affected me to a degree. I never actually coped with anything that happened, i just compartmentalized until it didnt matter at all to me anymore. this is one of the reasons i dont think therapy would work for me, and why i have ultimately decided upon ending my life. it is too much work for a very low chance that i could be improved upon, and it will cost my parents a lot of money, when there is a large chance that i will just die anyway, so there's really no point to it. My sister is already in therapies and they have not really worked for her and i dont want to be institutionalized like her and my mother because i value my privacy and being under constant surveilance would make my hallucinations and paranoia worse.

I was the only planned child out of my fathers 3 marriages, and 8 children (that he knows of). I was only concieved to be a companion for my sister, but she has no need for me any more and i have no particular talents, nor an inclination to live so i feel like it isnt much of a waste to die at this point of my life. My other siblings are either bad people, normal, or just not in contact with me. My father has a tendency to halfway abandon his children, along with his tendency to begin long term relationships with people who should not be in one with him, so it should be expected that their children are messed up in some form. the rest of my siblings are all more adept to life than me though, even the one that keeps ""attempting"" to CTB in strange ways so that she can have attention, i will not deny that she does have a real struggle, but every single one of her attempts that i have been privy to (a large amount) has been almost entirely non-lethal. She has also admitted that her attempts have been to make our father pay attention to her due to him abandoning her for my mother and causing her distress in her childhood. She has abused me severely so i do not care for her, as evident with previous text.

The suicidal ideation really got started in the 2nd grade. my mother and father told me that i was just picking it up from aforementioned sibling and did nothing except say that i didnt know what i was saying to me. that was my only ever attempt to reach out. their opinons have probably shifted by now, but the window of oppourtunity has been missed and i dont really care to "improve" my state of being.

I know my parents and my family would most likely be sad if i died, especially if i killed myself, but i dont really care. I have put my all into trying to care and nothing has come up so i have decided to stop really pretending.

I have attraction to people, but i have resolved to never enter a relationship again because i cant care about anyone to a significant degree. I know that anyone i have dated or would date would be upset by that so i have not told anyone the reason for this. I am asexual so celibacy is really nothing significant to me, and though i have gotten close to it, i have never actually had sex, and the times when i have gotten close to it i had no real want to. I have a degree of sexual trauma that i have repressed so far that i cannot remember it, but i know that something happened, but thats not where my asexuality came from.

sorry for the long post, i just wanted to talk about these things that ive never let anyone ever know about

Me neither. I've never been able to care about anyone either. People suck anyways so…what's the point in caring about them? I have Asperger's /autism as well, and on top of that ADHD and social anxiety. I've never loved anyone either (probs bc I'm aroace), and I've never been in nor want to be in a relationship. I don't have attraction to people and honestly I think I'm allergic to people. People honestly just kinda annoy me. I hate being around people, I don't even feel like a person. I feel like I'm on the wrong planet

 

[Iamtired]

Ive never actually been able to care about anyone, to practically any extent. I "care" about injustice, i have personal politics and I talk about them and make an effort to do what's right for my community, but i only do it because its what i perceive as "right". I could just as easily turn a blind eye to it and never think about it again. I've never actually loved anyone, I had a girlfriend for a year but i broke up with her because i thought she'd probably do better with someone who can actually care about her, i knew she cared about me and i really was only with her because she wanted to be with me. Ive never cared for my family, im almost entirely apathetic to them. I can fake niceties and talk to them and ask them how theyre doing, but i dont really feel for them at all. my parents are getting divorced and i was told the news and only got upset because it disrupted my daily life and i got over it in 2 days. i wouldn't care much if they died. they expected me to not care at all about the divorce.

I am autistic, so my low empathy and fake sympathy is probably best explained by that, but i cant help but think that im a fundamentally broken person. I have never actually connected with another person and i am lonely. i dont think this is something that can be fixed. combined with my other mental health issues and physical health issues, its just so much of a chore to try and keep myself alive. I've always been like this.

It could stem from extreme neglect in my childhood. My mother has schizoaffective bipolar type, and I depressive type. She was institutionalized multiple times throughout my childhood, and it caused my father to become depressed. Since her episodes their relationship has been strained and it was what caused my dad to cheat on her and what has ultimately caused the divorce. The neglect was bad enough that CPS was called on my family about 3 times by the school i was at and yet they found nothing and we were left there. Since then they have both improved but not by much.

My parents never communicated anything, they never talked about their issues or tried to fix anything while it was happening and it probably affected me to a degree. I never actually coped with anything that happened, i just compartmentalized until it didnt matter at all to me anymore. this is one of the reasons i dont think therapy would work for me, and why i have ultimately decided upon ending my life. it is too much work for a very low chance that i could be improved upon, and it will cost my parents a lot of money, when there is a large chance that i will just die anyway, so there's really no point to it. My sister is already in therapies and they have not really worked for her and i dont want to be institutionalized like her and my mother because i value my privacy and being under constant surveilance would make my hallucinations and paranoia worse.

I was the only planned child out of my fathers 3 marriages, and 8 children (that he knows of). I was only concieved to be a companion for my sister, but she has no need for me any more and i have no particular talents, nor an inclination to live so i feel like it isnt much of a waste to die at this point of my life. My other siblings are either bad people, normal, or just not in contact with me. My father has a tendency to halfway abandon his children, along with his tendency to begin long term relationships with people who should not be in one with him, so it should be expected that their children are messed up in some form. the rest of my siblings are all more adept to life than me though, even the one that keeps ""attempting"" to CTB in strange ways so that she can have attention, i will not deny that she does have a real struggle, but every single one of her attempts that i have been privy to (a large amount) has been almost entirely non-lethal. She has also admitted that her attempts have been to make our father pay attention to her due to him abandoning her for my mother and causing her distress in her childhood. She has abused me severely so i do not care for her, as evident with previous text.

The suicidal ideation really got started in the 2nd grade. my mother and father told me that i was just picking it up from aforementioned sibling and did nothing except say that i didnt know what i was saying to me. that was my only ever attempt to reach out. their opinons have probably shifted by now, but the window of oppourtunity has been missed and i dont really care to "improve" my state of being.

I know my parents and my family would most likely be sad if i died, especially if i killed myself, but i dont really care. I have put my all into trying to care and nothing has come up so i have decided to stop really pretending.

I have attraction to people, but i have resolved to never enter a relationship again because i cant care about anyone to a significant degree. I know that anyone i have dated or would date would be upset by that so i have not told anyone the reason for this. I am asexual so celibacy is really nothing significant to me, and though i have gotten close to it, i have never actually had sex, and the times when i have gotten close to it i had no real want to. I have a degree of sexual trauma that i have repressed so far that i cannot remember it, but i know that something happened, but thats not where my asexuality came from.

sorry for the long post, i just wanted to talk about these things that ive never let anyone ever know about

Sounds like your dad is a real piece of work.