Help I've made my desicion. Don't know how to operate

[herethere]

Hello everyone,
I'm soon 34 Y.O, barely functioning, I have online business for 14 years that isn't working well for years.
I've been hopeless for a long time, didn't know what's wrong with me. I live with my parents. My family are also not living their lives really. It came to me that I didn't plan my future (for some reason). I think I knew I'm not planning to stay on earth but was waiting for some miracle.
9 months ago I met a man (I'm gay) that lives abroad and decided to ask me to marry him after few weeks.
He is living life in full, and I thought I found my rescue.
Little by little I found out he will not accept me as I am - disfunctioning. And I didn't actually accepted him as he is I probably just needed a solution.

4 months ago I finally couldn't live with the lie anymore, and ever since I realized this is it for me. Now everyone around me knows I'm in big depression. I can't sleep anymore because I'm feeling like I'm a dead man.
And on top of all, I shared the information with everyone around me so now they're worried and want to help. No one knows how deep my problem is (I will probably never going to be functioning), and will live poor miserable life.

I also have depersonalization disorder. obsessive thougts for many years. I don't like myself, and for months now I'm walking around like a dead man.

I will have to operate things pretty soon as it's terrible miserable situation. I read some options but I don't know which is right for me. I'm not a brave person, I really thought months ago that pills overdose might kill.
I will appreciate your support and advices as my life are getting worst and worst every day, trying to pretend I want to be treated and sufffering from every social meetings (people make me to meet them).

Thanks to all of you

 

[Antinous]

I'm so sad that you're feeling so alone. I wish I knew a way to reach out to you. Damn.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about this. Are you in dire financial need or risk of being kicked out? If so, then I would look into getting financial assistance or finding someone who will let you stay with them temporarily until you find some more stability (financially and shelter-wise). Other than that, maybe some people who are also suffering or are in similar situations so you have someone to relate to.