This is going to be long so I understand if people aren't going to read it all but for those of you that do, thank you.
I've been visiting this site for a while now and trying to kill myself for over a year now. I've put so many restraints on myself on how I want to die because of my particular situation so couldn't really use the more traditional methods. I finally made an account and got active in hopes of an answer of what I was missing in my attempts but nothing. I am about to enter a stage in my life where my misery is about to increase tenfold and so I was and am desperate. I was attempting using a mix of partial and night night. Today was my final attempt because I have to move tomorrow to somewhere where I can't be alone or have the options of trying majority of these methods of dieing.
So I put in a proper shift this time. Kept going "one more time" until I lost hope completely after maybe 2 hrs. I did enter some new phase this time though, which made me feel as if I was closer but I wasn't. I felt as if my brain just stopped for a few secs, I lost track of time, dizzy to the point where I didn't know where I was or what I was doing, kept seeing flashes of random past memories, had some convulsions all over my body but couldn't feel it and breathing slowed down as well but it didn't affect me. It was after my dizziness went away after I'd say 10-15 secs that I could start making sense again and my instincts kicked in and I stopped it, and after stopping I couldn't stand or move properly because of the convulsions which lasted 3-5 secs more. This happened many times today, I thought I was really close. Since I couldn't feel the pain during those 10 secs I thought I'd give it my all, so stayed in longer and with more force and pushed my chair as low as it could go in the next attempts (my method involved me in a chair). But I realized every time after 10-15 secs my dizziness would go away and my instincts would kick in. Blocking your carotid arteries causes unconsciousness in 10-15 secs but I was not completely unconscious so there is still something missing that people don't know about in this method and I couldn't figure it out either. Had to get rid of most of my material. My only goal in life was to kill myself for the past year or so. I feel so hopeless, so lost, so scared even. I prayed as well before attempting today and the last few days to anyone who could listen or any God to show me some small miniscule sign of hope or good luck or a miracle but nothing. I understand that such miracles don't just happen in a second, but whoever is out there, this higher being, knew what I was going through and for how long. Trying to kill myself for over a year but this feeling of not wanting to live has been with me for 8 years now. I feel so dead and tired. And to think all I've got is more misery to come in the next few months. I've lost hope in dieing now. I'll just suffer for the rest of my life until finally I kill myself somehow or die eventually. FML
I've been visiting this site for a while now and trying to kill myself for over a year now. I've put so many restraints on myself on how I want to die because of my particular situation so couldn't really use the more traditional methods. I finally made an account and got active in hopes of an answer of what I was missing in my attempts but nothing. I am about to enter a stage in my life where my misery is about to increase tenfold and so I was and am desperate. I was attempting using a mix of partial and night night. Today was my final attempt because I have to move tomorrow to somewhere where I can't be alone or have the options of trying majority of these methods of dieing.
So I put in a proper shift this time. Kept going "one more time" until I lost hope completely after maybe 2 hrs. I did enter some new phase this time though, which made me feel as if I was closer but I wasn't. I felt as if my brain just stopped for a few secs, I lost track of time, dizzy to the point where I didn't know where I was or what I was doing, kept seeing flashes of random past memories, had some convulsions all over my body but couldn't feel it and breathing slowed down as well but it didn't affect me. It was after my dizziness went away after I'd say 10-15 secs that I could start making sense again and my instincts kicked in and I stopped it, and after stopping I couldn't stand or move properly because of the convulsions which lasted 3-5 secs more. This happened many times today, I thought I was really close. Since I couldn't feel the pain during those 10 secs I thought I'd give it my all, so stayed in longer and with more force and pushed my chair as low as it could go in the next attempts (my method involved me in a chair). But I realized every time after 10-15 secs my dizziness would go away and my instincts would kick in. Blocking your carotid arteries causes unconsciousness in 10-15 secs but I was not completely unconscious so there is still something missing that people don't know about in this method and I couldn't figure it out either. Had to get rid of most of my material. My only goal in life was to kill myself for the past year or so. I feel so hopeless, so lost, so scared even. I prayed as well before attempting today and the last few days to anyone who could listen or any God to show me some small miniscule sign of hope or good luck or a miracle but nothing. I understand that such miracles don't just happen in a second, but whoever is out there, this higher being, knew what I was going through and for how long. Trying to kill myself for over a year but this feeling of not wanting to live has been with me for 8 years now. I feel so dead and tired. And to think all I've got is more misery to come in the next few months. I've lost hope in dieing now. I'll just suffer for the rest of my life until finally I kill myself somehow or die eventually. FML
