O
onceremoved126
My mind is the only enemy I can't get rid of.
- Sep 9, 2023
- 46
I once posted here, and many things happened. I got my asd and bpd diagnoses (hooray, I guess) and I found myself in a position in which I almost stopped having suicidal thoughts. Until now.
The latter was because I got myself a friend that could understand me in a way that no one else has been able too. He's not only my best friend, but I truly believe we are soulmates (in some capacity).
Now, if I found someone who gets me, why am I having suicidal thoughts and intentions again?
Well, because I think I fell in love with him.
To give you a little bit of context. He and I are long distance friends (online friends, if you must). We've never met in real life, but I've known him for a while (5 or so years, but we've only been friends for a year). I also know he's not a catfish or something bc we've spoken on discord calls. There's many things that I've hidden from him, given the fact that I started my online journey as a way to separate myself from my irl self, and changed some things about my living situation. Of course I didn't lie about big, awful things, but I lied nonetheless. I wanted to tell him the truth, but at this point I'm way to deep on it, and I feel like if I tell him, our friendship will be over.
Now, that's just a part of why I'm feeling like my only option is killing myself. I'll continue right away.
Since I have BPD, my friendship with him is not a normal one. I express my feelings for him in an exaggerated and borderline romantic way. I always tell him that I love him at least once a day. I always tell him that I want to live the rest of my life with him. I always tell him when he's in my deams, when he crosses my thoughts. I genuinely love him, and sometimes I wish I didn't. He tells me that he loves me too, that he's not bothered by my intensity, and that he's glad I'm in his life.
Now that's cute and all, but let me continue with the complicated part.
He is a trans man, and I am a non binary lesbian.
I'm not attracted to men, or man-adjacent. I've thought about it for a long time, and I don't want to be romantically or sexually involved with any man, regardless of what's downstairs.
This is why I am extremely confused of my feelings towards him. I know he's a man, and that's what's got me confused. I love him, but I'm not sure if I'm IN LOVE with him, or that's how my mind responds to being treated with basic human decency (thanks, bpd).
I don't know if it's a case of ye old "compulsory heterosexuality" or if I'm genuinely into him.
I also mentioned he's trans, and this has something to do with all of this. If he ever finds out that I'm struggling to realize what I feel for him, he might think that I don't see him as a man. When the fact that he is a man is what it's getting me all confused.
And of course, he wouldn't be into me.
Anyways, this is just too much for my head. I love my friend, but I feel like I'm not good for him, and I should just, you know, CTB. I know he's told me that he appreciates me, that he doesn't want me to die, and that he loves me. I'm just sure he would change his mind if he saw what I wrote here.
Right now I'm stuck in a horrible position, in which I only have one irl friend (that I used to be in love with, and confessing my feelings to her ruined the friendship beyond repair), I live with basically the two people that physically and psychologically abused me (my parents), I have no job, and I'm stuck studying a uni career that I despise. He's the only real support that I have is him, and I feel like I'm loosing him too.
I'm a horrible person
The latter was because I got myself a friend that could understand me in a way that no one else has been able too. He's not only my best friend, but I truly believe we are soulmates (in some capacity).
Now, if I found someone who gets me, why am I having suicidal thoughts and intentions again?
Well, because I think I fell in love with him.
To give you a little bit of context. He and I are long distance friends (online friends, if you must). We've never met in real life, but I've known him for a while (5 or so years, but we've only been friends for a year). I also know he's not a catfish or something bc we've spoken on discord calls. There's many things that I've hidden from him, given the fact that I started my online journey as a way to separate myself from my irl self, and changed some things about my living situation. Of course I didn't lie about big, awful things, but I lied nonetheless. I wanted to tell him the truth, but at this point I'm way to deep on it, and I feel like if I tell him, our friendship will be over.
Now, that's just a part of why I'm feeling like my only option is killing myself. I'll continue right away.
Since I have BPD, my friendship with him is not a normal one. I express my feelings for him in an exaggerated and borderline romantic way. I always tell him that I love him at least once a day. I always tell him that I want to live the rest of my life with him. I always tell him when he's in my deams, when he crosses my thoughts. I genuinely love him, and sometimes I wish I didn't. He tells me that he loves me too, that he's not bothered by my intensity, and that he's glad I'm in his life.
Now that's cute and all, but let me continue with the complicated part.
He is a trans man, and I am a non binary lesbian.
I'm not attracted to men, or man-adjacent. I've thought about it for a long time, and I don't want to be romantically or sexually involved with any man, regardless of what's downstairs.
This is why I am extremely confused of my feelings towards him. I know he's a man, and that's what's got me confused. I love him, but I'm not sure if I'm IN LOVE with him, or that's how my mind responds to being treated with basic human decency (thanks, bpd).
I don't know if it's a case of ye old "compulsory heterosexuality" or if I'm genuinely into him.
I also mentioned he's trans, and this has something to do with all of this. If he ever finds out that I'm struggling to realize what I feel for him, he might think that I don't see him as a man. When the fact that he is a man is what it's getting me all confused.
And of course, he wouldn't be into me.
Anyways, this is just too much for my head. I love my friend, but I feel like I'm not good for him, and I should just, you know, CTB. I know he's told me that he appreciates me, that he doesn't want me to die, and that he loves me. I'm just sure he would change his mind if he saw what I wrote here.
Right now I'm stuck in a horrible position, in which I only have one irl friend (that I used to be in love with, and confessing my feelings to her ruined the friendship beyond repair), I live with basically the two people that physically and psychologically abused me (my parents), I have no job, and I'm stuck studying a uni career that I despise. He's the only real support that I have is him, and I feel like I'm loosing him too.
I'm a horrible person