Do you mind to tell the reason for your suicide?
I don't mind sharing, its a little long though.
I have BPD and cPTSD stemming from childhood abuse. Mainly at the hands of my father, but I have come to realise my mother was and still is emotionally abusive, it was just overshadowed by the physical abuse. Ran away at 17, was homeless for a year but got into university, worked and managed to get my own place after a few years. I don't know how I did it, just straight survival mode. It had to be that way, but it also killed me slowly, I used drugs to function the entire time, I needed to balance working enough hours on a low wage and keeping up with a demanding STEM degree so I wouldn't become homeless again. Wasn't sustainable, I quit working as I only had 1 year left, lived in my overdraft and off my credit card, but was burnt out. I fell into a depressive phase and couldn't complete the university work either so was put on medical leave. Up to this point I still think things were salvageable, even with the mental health issues because whilst limited, I had access to some basic mental health care through a community mental health team.
My mother reached out and kept asking me to move to her home and 'get back on my feet'. This is where I messed up, I should have never taken her up on her offer. My father was apparently out of the picture (a lie), and on the surface it seemed like a helpful gesture. She has her own mental health issues, so the past 6 months have been hell. She took advantage of the fact I was in a vulnerable position, and left me with my severely disabled brother who has challenging behaviour and violent tendencies, so she could save money on care. Things have basically devolved right back to where I was at when I was 17. Every day I wake up to screaming and slamming on the walls from my brother starting from 5am, met with more screaming and my mother verbally abusing him. She has put me in dangerous scenarios where my father is allowed into her house, and he is impulsively violent and has a history of arrests. I'm financially dependent on her, have applied for jobs to try to get my own income again but she sabotages my efforts, I tried to complete my university work, she noticed this and started leaving me to care for my brother to disrupt efforts. I needed money for a train ticket to go back to my university to register and she refused to pay for it and was smug about the fact it could risk me losing my place. I'm not currently entitled to government support because of my student status, I would have to drop out completely when I was so close to finishing.
When we all lived together in the past, we were in a 'hoarder house' and since she has moved away she has taken a lot of these habits with her. The worst is the where my brother basically smears and has peed on the walls, she is so used to living like that from our old house that she doesn't clean it. The place smells awful and it seeps into your clothes, so I stopped going outside because its embarrassing and degrading. When I first moved in I tried to clean things, she noticed so decided to completely stop bothering with any tidying and would just leave it up to me to do it and manage with my brother, whilst she got blackout drunk. I stopped showering for this reason too, because I can't stand having to use the bathroom, to the point of avoiding using it entirely if I can. I tried running away again a few months ago, and staying with my ex for a while as he lives in the same city, but he couldn't financially keep us both afloat whilst I was out of work, and it was difficult for him to deal with me when I'm having flashbacks and nightmares so its not fair on him. My mother was paying my phone bill so traced my phone calls with the provider and found his contact number then harassed constantly with phone calls, threatening to lie to the police and have me sectioned for being suicidal, showing up randomly at his place, and this freaked him out too. She becomes obsessive over keeping me in her house, and isn't ashamed of bringing in other people and making their lives hell too, and this is because of her own mental illness.
The entire situation is shit, I have basically developed learned helplessness at this point, and after working hard to get away from them before I feel like I'm trapped and destined to constantly end up back in the same situation, like a constant cycle of getting away and falling apart and being dragged back to hell. I have no idea how I survived it when I was younger, I suppose it was normalised. I think the fact I got away and learnt what 'normal' was combined with the PTSD has made it particularly difficult for me this time. I also think my mother hated the fact I got out in the first place, because she seems keen to keep me around as a vegetable, and just use me as a live in carer like she would when I was a child. I can't do homelessness and living in a shelter a second time, even if therapy was available I'm in a high risk environment with people who get threatened and need to sabotage me when they catch wind of any progress. She seems really content with what she has achieved so far and taunts me from outside the door if I'm crying. There is something seriously wrong with her and it makes sense when you realise the efforts she went to protecting my father regarding the child abuse.
So overall, I just gave up entirely, the dysfunction runs so deep it is difficult to even function on a basic level here. So I locked myself in my room, and just stopped eating and showering, because it made me feel dirty to try and use the bathroom. I feel to ashamed to leave the house, the neighbours look at me badly when they realised which flat I'm from. I have been trying through the depression, and constantly been knocked back by my mother. I can get away with poisoning myself without intervention because she won't think anything is wrong seeing as I'm stuck in here all the time. I just need to escape, and I don't have it in me to process the new trauma from the past 6 months. I don't want to be impulsive about it, I've planned since September and taken these months to reflect on it and decide if this is the best way.
Sorry this was such an overshare and all over the place but those are my reasons...
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