I've just texted a bully ex classmate

[WornOutLife]

Edit: I found this guy on Facebook because I know his fullname and well, he was just there...


I'm drunk AF and I started to remember my past so, I was like..."damn, school really sucked so, what about texting some ex high school classmates?"
and.... I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My message was basically this: "Hello, XXXX, Do you remember me? I'm Matt XXX, you used be one of my classmates in high school. I hope your life is okay but lemme ask you something.... DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT A MOTHERFUCKER YOU WERE? I mean, you used to be a bully! You asked innocent guys for money, homework, etc. However, you could never do that to me because you knew I would KICK YOUR ASS immediately! I mean, do you regret any of your actions? Do you relize how mean you were? It's been over 10 years and I still remember what a dick you were...."

Here's his answer:


"Hello Matt XXXX, well....I wasn't expecting your message. I mean, not like this.
Now, I have 2 children. One boy and a girl. I'm really working overtime so as to provide my family. My life is quite hard so... I'll just tell you this:
When I was younger, I never realized what an asshole I was. I mean, reading your message made me feel like scum. I can't believe I was like that but when I remember those days, you're right. I was the worst and my friends were the same.
i guess we were too immature.
Please, I'm really sorry. I never meant to be like that. You can talk to me whenever you want and we could even be great friends now. I bet you would love to meet my family and have some beers with me.
Anyway, see you around Matt, you were always cool and protected those who were bullied by "my group of friends" and that's just amazing."

Hope to hear from you soon,

Hugs,

XXXXX


Thus, that was it!!!!!!! I dunno how to react to this!!! I mean, he seems to have changed lots but you can't imagine the hell I lived in!! I was not physically bullied but I was really alone and always trying to protect people like me. It was a nightmare. He seems to be a nice and normal guy now... I just can't believe it.


What would you do? I guess I should just...forgive him...

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Damn at least the son of a bitch admits he was an arsehole. Let's just hope it's not in his genes that get passed down to his kids.

But fair play owning up.

Arsehole.

 

[bloomingdark]

I recommend you to do it , one thing I learned from being hurt recently, we forgive to be in peace with ourselves, to let some pain and unanswered questions go by...

You deserve relief and peace of mind, he was an asshole and made your life hell, that's not something that you forget , but it can be forgiven for the sake of your heart and peace of mind

I hope your going well with your drukness i don't really know how to say it but being ebrio/a es vida

Take care Matt

 

[WornOutLife]

Damn at least the son of a bitch admits he was an arsehole. Let's just hope it's not in his genes that get passed down to his kids.

But fair play owning up.

Arsehole.

Lol that's exactly what I thought. "well, his children might be a better person than this asshole was"

I mean, really? Beating the shit out of innocent teenagers so as to get money? How could I forgive that? Anway, he seems to be a normal person now.


@bloomingdark

Thank you very much for you words dear. I'm okay now but damn, this was shocking!

 

[bloomingdark]

PD: You made me want to be drunk af too , surely i will hahahaha

 

[Life_and_Death]

i think this is up to you. i can only speak from my experience and i wouldnt forgive those that hurt me. of course there was no way they couldnt have known what they were doing and idc how much they might have 'changed' my trust for them is gone and ill spit on their grave for the way i have to live now because of them.

your situation......idk part of me feels a little softer towards it of course im not the one there and im not you, you seem kinder and more likely to forgive then me. ill be honest i know what i am, of course they hurt me. different situations is all i guess.

 

[LastFlowers]

One of my HS bullies is a fucking teacher now, let that sink in. Only looked her up once, but that was enough.
I don't think she has changed at all. But another one of my bullies (that I know about) I never really felt ill will toward because I know she wasn't exactly the picture of happiness and privilege either, so she's probably one of the only ones I would forgive. Plenty of other people bullied me that I have yet to google and check up on, I guess I have way more important things taking up space in my mind. I admire your gall though!

If you are to take his words at face value, I would say to forgive, but others who were bullied by him and his friends may not feel the same way and rightfully so. Some damage cannot be undone. The reason my bullies had such an effect is because they went for the low blows, actual truths out of my control that are far worse today than they were in HS, so in that respect, I can't get over it. I haven't come into any happiness or fortunate circumstances of my own, so I have less good to dilute my awful memories and less to live for to give me the type of tolerance others might have developed for this behavior.

It's possible that he is just saving face and is worried you will out his past publicly, by sending you that message and adding that his own life is hard, he is making himself out to be a changed, sympathetic man. That latter bit may or may not be the truth. That's up to you to decide, since you have the history with him. But I will say that a lot of the time when people message their classmates over bullying years later, the replies are either non existent or full of gaslighting.
So at least he escaped the common bullshit with his reply to you, and he did not minimize his heinous actions, I'll give him that.

 

[WornOutLife]

i think this is up to you. i can only speak from my experience and i wouldnt forgive those that hurt me. of course there was no way they couldnt have known what they were doing and idc how much they might have 'changed' my trust for them is gone and ill spit on their grave for the way i have to live now because of them.

your situation......idk part of me feels a little softer towards it of course im not the one there and im not you, you seem kinder and more likely to forgive then me. ill be honest i know what i am, of course they hurt me. different situations is all i guess.

Thank you so much for your answer, dear.
I really hate him because of what he did but... he seems such a different person now that I don't know what to do. He has even admitted he regrets what he did.

Should I tell him to go to hell? Should I forgive him? Damn, I need some more drinks haha.

Still, I had some ex classmates who were really bullied by people like him and that only makes me hate him more. I can't believe there were (or are) people so mean like him around in this world.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Thank you so much for your answer, dear.
I really hate him because of what he did but... he seems such a different person now that I don't know what to do. He has even admitted he regrets what he did.

Should I tell him to go to hell? Should I forgive him? Damn, I need some more drinks haha.

Still, I had some ex classmates who were really bullied by people like him and that only makes me hate him more. I can't believe there were (or are) people so mean like him around in this world.

happy medium? openly accept it but keep cautious? or something like that, im drunk too so i hope i explained it well enough lol

 

[fred farkle]

whats his number?? we can all text him!
"hey you slob youre a bad guy so EAT SHIT!!!"

 

[BornBrief]

One of my HS bullies is a fucking teacher now, let that sink in. Only looked her up once, but that was enough.
I don't think she has changed at all. But another one of my bullies (that I know about) I never really felt ill will toward because I know she wasn't exactly the picture of happiness and privilege either, so she's probably one of the only ones I would forgive. Plenty of other people bullied me that I have yet to google and check up on, I guess I have way more important things taking up space in my mind. I admire your gall though!

If you are to take his words at face value, I would say to forgive, but others who were bullied by him and his friends may not feel the same way and rightfully so. Some damage cannot be undone. The reason my bullies had such an effect is because they went for the low blows, actual truths out of my control that are far worse today than they were in HS, so in that respect, I can't get over it. I haven't come into any happiness or fortunate circumstances of my own, so I have less good to dilute my awful memories and less to live for to give me the type of tolerance others might have developed for this behavior.

It's possible that he is just saving face and is worried you will out his past publicly, by sending you that message and adding that his own life is hard, he is making himself out to be a changed, sympathetic man. That latter bit may or may not be the truth. That's up to you to decide, since you have the history with him. But I will say that a lot of the time when people message their classmates over bullying years later, the replies are either non existent or full of gaslighting.
So at least he escaped the common bullshit with his reply to you, and he did not minimize his heinous actions, I'll give him that.

That was my perspective. He opens up immediately in a way that comes off like a guilt trip to me.

 

[Life_and_Death]

That was my perspective. He opens up immediately in a way that comes off like a guilt trip to me.

see i thought about that but theres always a possibility its true too and in this case to react poorly is only dropping to their level. or just reacting poorly in general is. it also doesnt seem like something OP would do

 

[motel rooms]

Never communicate with bullies from your past. They'll hurt you either by not even remembering you, saying something horrible or simply by informing you that their life involves far less suffering than yours

 

[lofticries]

bruh,how do you have your bully's number?

lol you were quite straight forward with your message. I like that. Hmm, hopefully this guy has really changed for the better. And is teaching his kids to be better people.

I had so many bullies in my past I can't really remember them by any distinct characteristics or names. I can only remember the actions and feelings but not the faces.

If some random asshole came up to me and apologized for bullying me in school I'd probably be like 'kay' and keep shit moving. I have worse things going on in my life now. Plus I don't forgive easily. Not even myself.

 

[LastFlowers]

Never communicate with bullies from your past. They'll hurt you either by not even remembering you, saying something horrible or simply by informing you that their life involves far less suffering than yours

That's why I haven't done such a thing, and also why I am somewhat shocked by the reply in OP's post..not to mention a tad suspicious if it's genuine (the reply, not the background story).

 

[WornOutLife]

bruh,how do you have your bully's number?

lol you were quite straight forward with your message. I like that. Hmm, hopefully this guy has really changed for the better. And is teaching his kids to be better people.

I had so many bullies in my past I can't really remember them by any distinct characteristics or names. I can only remember the actions and feelings but not the faces.

If some random asshole came up to me and apologized for bullying me in school I'd probably be like 'kay' and keep shit moving. I have worse things going on in my life now. Plus I don't forgive easily. Not even myself.

I don't have his number
I sent him a private message on fb because I know his full name.

I'm really shocked.

 

[rotten]

Now let's hope his kids don't turn out the way he did.

 

[HarpoMarx]

I'd say: give him a chance and meet him in his environment (family). Sometimes people really regret after some time. As other user said, he admitted how he used to be. To.me that means a lot.

On the other hand, In my personal case, they never really changed: one of my bulliers fro 16-17s wrote me himself when we were 23 and asked for forgiveness. I said its ok. Later, he was admitted in the same BA as me and same uni, just 2 years behind, and soon after he became a new kind of shit: a pseudo intellectual hater. So, Words are just words most of my time. But who knows...

I gave him 1 chance. I dont give 2.

 

[motel rooms]

I'd say: give him a chance and meet him in his environment (family). Sometimes people really regret after some time.

If a person was bullied so much as a kid that they ended up on sanctioned-suicide.net, they should probably stay away from their abusers. Finding out that the turd who tortured me is now a wonderful, well-adjusted man would just make my blood boil with rage because he largely contributed to my struggling with suicidality & he can never change that fact. I wish him nothing but the kind of physical & psychological pain that I'm in

 

[WatermelonMel]

That was better than my bully's response: "Don't fuck with me I'll find and beat you up"
Some people never change...

 

[Hirokami]

This reminds me of a similar situation I had. I remember I once forgave a former enemy of mine, someone who continously hurt me both in front of my face and behind my face. I didn't forgive them because I suddenly thought what they did was justifiable; it wasn't. I forgave them because I was tired of hating them. I hated them so much, it felt like an obsession. In fact, I wanted them to die at a point, though I didn't want to hurt them. Though, if they got a terminal illness, I wouldn't have been the slightest upset at the time. That hatred ate me up inside and I was barely able to function as a person. Though, one day, I did something similar to what you did: I messaged them and they agreed to squash the beef.

Forgiveness isn't about the other person. It's letting go of a bitterness that is all-consuming. It's giving yourself permission to move on. You don't have to interact with them anymore, as forgiveness doesn't require you to becoming friends with former foes. Forgiveness only allows one to free up space for better memories. It's up to you how you decide to move forward, though.

 

[motel rooms]

Forgiveness isn't about the other person. It's letting go of a bitterness that is all-consuming. It's giving yourself permission to move on. You don't have to interact with them anymore, as forgiveness doesn't require you to becoming friends with former foes. Forgiveness only allows one to free up space for better memories. It's up to you how you decide to move forward, though.

You can't just rationally persuade yourself to forgive, it's a hyperemotional issue. If someone's able to do it spontaneously that's great, but people shouldn't force themselves to do things they really, really don't feel like doing

 

[Hirokami]

You can't just rationally persuade yourself to forgive, it's a hyperemotional issue. If someone's able to do it spontaneously that's great, but people shouldn't force themselves to do things they really, really don't feel like doing

Ah, I wasn't implying that people should force themselves to forgive others. In fact, I certainly didn't force myself and my process was far from spontaneous. In that one story I gave, it took me over two years to even consider forgiving that person. I gave myself time to forgive that person and I would certainly implore others to do the same rather than try to pressure themselves into forgiving someone when they're not ready ... That is, if they want to forgive in the first place. Again, it's entirely up to the individual.

And while it is indeed difficult to think rationally when one's emotions are at their peak, it's possible (though not always, depending on the situation and how the person feels about it) to self-reflect after some time passes. Everything I've presented was solely from my life experiences and how I handled certain situations, so feel free to take it with a grain of salt.

 

[Bigpink]

There is a possibility the asshole is lying, or just my anti human race bias there

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I don't see how this affects your current life, tbh. My advice would be to just feign forgiveness and politely cut off contact.

 

[motel rooms]

And while it is indeed difficult to think rationally when one's emotions are at their peak, it's possible (though not always, depending on the situation and how the person feels about it) to self-reflect after some time passes. Everything I've presented was solely from my life experiences and how I handled certain situations, so feel free to take it with a grain of salt.

I'm sure it's possible for a small minority of people to truly forgive their abusers. Good for them...

 

[Pen>Sword]

Forgive him. He has turned complete 180. There's nothing more he could do. Besides, you were kids before. The greatest way to show that the person is sorry for their action is a mix of regret and change.

 

[lonerclown666]

i dont have social media but i stalk a lot girls who rejected me

 

[blue_muse]

Actions speak louder than words. Meeting him in person, as an option not obligation, might help to see if he really meant the words in the reply. In the social media age it's easy to say things and not necessarily mean what's said.

On a side note, forgiveness can be twofold. On the one hand it's healthy to say "I forgive you" as a way of personal closure. On the other hand, it potentially tells those who've wronged you that "It's okay".

Whatever you decide .

 

[WornOutLife]

Update:

Oh guys, you're the best.Thank you very much for your comments, opinions and advice! This is what I did:

I waited until this morning so as to be sober and calmer and after thinking deeply, I came to the conclusion that last night, I just needed to vent, and that guy seems to have changed so, I can do nothing but hope he's really happy with his family.

Thus, I told him that I was glad to know he regretted what he did and also glad to know he has a family to take care of. I wished him the best and said goodbye.

Some minutes later, (it seems he was really waiting for my reply lol), he answered this:

"Thank you very much, Matt. You really give me peace of mind. We should get together and have some drinks some day. Have a nice day!"


*******End of the story.*******


I can't change those gone hellish days but it feels good knowing a bully turned into a normal human being. I don't think he was pretending.

Anyway, I think people deserve a second chance.


Thank you all for being so nice! :)