I've got it all, but I still want to die

[Neowise]

I don't understand what my problem is. I have almost everything in life besides a loving family:
- born in a first world country
- no money issues
- career (I'm a PhD student)
- healthy body with normal weight
- great immune system, I'm sick only once a year (haven't even been sick this year yet)
- no allergies, can eat everything
- a loving and caring partner

I have it all but I still want to die because of the one thing I didn't have: a loving family. My narcissistic mother abused be emotionally throughout my entire life. She would insult me, put me down, punish me for minor things, hit me, ignore me for days. My father is an emotionally distant person and never openly showed any kind of affection either. My father's family excluded him from family life for reasons I don't know so I only know like 3 people from that line. My grandparents died before I was born. The family of my mother lives in another country whose language I don't speak. My closer "family" consists of 3-4 people which are all emotionally distant in their own way. I had no one to buffer the abuse I went through. I moved out of my parent's place 2 years ago and live my own life, but I can't let go of my past. Why can't I let go of it? Why can't I just live my fucking life like anyone else?! I don't know what my problem is.

I kinda wished I had money issues, chronic pain or some disease. Then I'd at least know why I am depressed. I would know why I can't work up the will to live. I'd have a chance to fix that problem and better my life. But how can I fix a problem that I don't know? I don't really have a problem, my problem is a ghost inside my head. Nothing physical, nothing I can explain. Just some memories that I put too much importance on. My memories ruin my life, this is ridiculous. I feel ashamed that I don't appreciate my life, I am a disgrace. I wished I could trade my life with someone who wants to live but has terminal cancer because it is wasted on me.

 

[Darkover]

despite everything seemingly going well on the surface. Depression, suicidal thoughts, or feelings of emptiness can affect anyone, regardless of external circumstances. It's not uncommon to feel that way even when life appears to be objectively "good." What you're experiencing might stem from deeper emotional, psychological, or existential challenges that aren't always tied to external factors.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Ik it's easier said than done but have you tried therapy to "get over your past" and to learn to accept it as a fact that cannot be changed? I mean this is certainly a traumatic experience what you had to go through but as you say you would have a perfect life now if you could get over the past (mainly childhood I assume).

 

[Marco77]

I'll tell you why. Your parents are simply unfit to be parents. You need psychotherapy to help you understand the abuse you suffered in your family.

 

[LittleJem]

Unfortunately, child abuse can/does lead to long term issues in adulthood. The research shows that adverse effects linger. This is not your fault, rather you have done amazingly despite your history. I hope things get better for you. I'm guessing you have tried/are trying medication? Medication plus therapy is the recommended combination.

 

[Neowise]

but have you tried therapy

You need psychotherapy

Medication plus therapy is the recommended combination.

I started phsychotherapy in march and also started taking antidepressants at that time. I'd say it's helping, though it wasn't enough to cure 25 years of abuse (that's how long I lived with my parents). Obviously 9 months aren't enough, I know that. But I have reached a point where I don't want it to get better, I just want it to end.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I started phsychotherapy in march and also started taking antidepressants at that time. I'd say it's helping, though it wasn't enough to cure 25 years of abuse (that's how long I lived with my parents). Obviously 9 months aren't enough, I know that. But I have reached a point where I don't want it to get better, I just want it to end.

That is totally understandable. 25 years of abuse cannot be fixed in a couple of months if at all that could ever be fixed.

 

[OldManOfTheLake]

I don't understand what my problem is. I have almost everything in life besides a loving family:
- born in a first world country
- no money issues
- career (I'm a PhD student)
- healthy body with normal weight
- great immune system, I'm sick only once a year (haven't even been sick this year yet)
- no allergies, can eat everything
- a loving and caring partner

I have it all but I still want to die because of the one thing I didn't have: a loving family. My narcissistic mother abused be emotionally throughout my entire life. She would insult me, put me down, punish me for minor things, hit me, ignore me for days. My father is an emotionally distant person and never openly showed any kind of affection either. My father's family excluded him from family life for reasons I don't know so I only know like 3 people from that line. My grandparents died before I was born. The family of my mother lives in another country whose language I don't speak. My closer "family" consists of 3-4 people which are all emotionally distant in their own way. I had no one to buffer the abuse I went through. I moved out of my parent's place 2 years ago and live my own life, but I can't let go of my past. Why can't I let go of it? Why can't I just live my fucking life like anyone else?! I don't know what my problem is.

I kinda wished I had money issues, chronic pain or some disease. Then I'd at least know why I am depressed. I would know why I can't work up the will to live. I'd have a chance to fix that problem and better my life. But how can I fix a problem that I don't know? I don't really have a problem, my problem is a ghost inside my head. Nothing physical, nothing I can explain. Just some memories that I put too much importance on. My memories ruin my life, this is ridiculous. I feel ashamed that I don't appreciate my life, I am a disgrace. I wished I could trade my life with someone who wants to live but has terminal cancer because it is wasted on me.

I was about to say "you are not living a good life if you are a PhD student" then realized you are probably not a PhD student in the US or UK (US PhD programs have terrible work life balances, UK programs do not provide livable wages).

If you look at some of my posts, my disdain for my family is well known. I'm probably older than you, and my parents are still causing me an incredible amount of issues. So much so I am trying to leave the country. I have not talked to my dad since 2011, and my mom since 2014. I rarely stay in contact with my sister because she will leak everything I say to them.

What you are describing is something that a lot of people go through in abusive relationships. What you are going through is a multi-year long recovery process. It sounds like you are seeking help already; just know there will be times you will lose your strength and want to end it all. That is normal, and that is OK.

Do not feel guilty about your life. Suffering is relative. Plenty of millionaires and famous people have ended their lives. I make more money than I need but I am still planning an elaborate CTB and preparing financial affairs. Just know whatever decision you decide to make, we will support it.

 

[Wendigo]

I like to say that hell has many levels; what might not be a serious problem for one person can be an insurmountable abyss for another.
The irony of life, I suppose.

You have everything I don't:

A career

A strong immune system (I have Lynch syndrome)

Someone I cared for and loved stabbed me so many times in the back/heart, including her family.

My family is sadly full of narcissists as well.

My nervous system is wrecked (muscle tension, stress).


Something I've realized after being unable to cry for over a decade is that the deepest wounds bear the names of the people who were supposed to protect and care for you as you grew up and learned to adapt to this world.

 

[Neowise]

I was about to say "you are not living a good life if you are a PhD student" then realized you are probably not a PhD student in the US or UK (US PhD programs have terrible work life balances, UK programs do not provide livable wages).

I am in Germany and "only" a biologist. This means that I got a 50% part time contract but I'm expected to work full time, sometimes even with overtime So I don't earn a lot but luckily I am a person that doesn't need a lot of money. Besides rent I don't even need 200€ to life comfortably.

 

[ropearoundatree]

Good luck, @Neowise - this lack of a loving family thing, that's quite a monumental monster--or quite an insurmountable foe; to attempt & try to get over/get by, or past (not saying it can't be done, no! not at all...) Simply that~ to consider this, as something that could undo or outdo the rest - just in terms of, like destroying it's/or the, 'foundation,' of or which from all else stands or rests upon. Is no great surprise to me. So, I wish you well with this. It's isn't over yet. You can write the rest of your story however you like (e. g., "go out & make your own family") which I know, is easier said than. . . but that doesn't mean that it isn't possible, or true! :)
Tschus~