I'm not trying to beat a dead horse, but I'm not sure how to 'get over it,' and would love help.
I tried to be happy over the past couple years. But if I push myself to be better, work harder, then I feel like a failure, I feel like when I look at my coworkers I see all of my inadequacies. I'm lucky to have a job, but I have a history of feeling understimulated; which can turn into a physical feeling of ants under my skin if i get too bored. Boredom to me is a feeling of pressure around my chest and legs; like unless I can fill three hours of time with nothing, then I'll die. In the jobs in which I've had PTO, this has led to me dipping into it for an hour here or there to leave once my work was done. But I've come to realize that because I feel guilty using my time off, I feel significantly worse taking time off than if i were to just suffer through boredom.
I feel shame in myself because it almost feels like I'm the only human who feels this (I know I'm not, but nobody I've spoken to has any idea what I'm talking about). If I'd worked harder in school, I could've skipped all this; but I did work in school, and it wasn't enough. I've tried, and failed.
I don't know if anybody else has that voice, but when I see anybody who's happy, I hear someone over my shoulder whisper "They earned it, you didn't." That my feelings of satisfaction on a lazy day, or after a really good meal with my partner, are wholly undeserved.
I tried to be happy over the past couple years. But if I push myself to be better, work harder, then I feel like a failure, I feel like when I look at my coworkers I see all of my inadequacies. I'm lucky to have a job, but I have a history of feeling understimulated; which can turn into a physical feeling of ants under my skin if i get too bored. Boredom to me is a feeling of pressure around my chest and legs; like unless I can fill three hours of time with nothing, then I'll die. In the jobs in which I've had PTO, this has led to me dipping into it for an hour here or there to leave once my work was done. But I've come to realize that because I feel guilty using my time off, I feel significantly worse taking time off than if i were to just suffer through boredom.
I feel shame in myself because it almost feels like I'm the only human who feels this (I know I'm not, but nobody I've spoken to has any idea what I'm talking about). If I'd worked harder in school, I could've skipped all this; but I did work in school, and it wasn't enough. I've tried, and failed.
I don't know if anybody else has that voice, but when I see anybody who's happy, I hear someone over my shoulder whisper "They earned it, you didn't." That my feelings of satisfaction on a lazy day, or after a really good meal with my partner, are wholly undeserved.
