Venting I’ve finally made my decision. (Long)

[Rugnificent]

I'm down to pretty much nothing. All my friends pretty much just ignore me, it's not like I'm all negative around them. I always try my hardest to be fun, happy, or even someone one could trust. Unfortunately that isn't enough for them. I have to repeat what I said to them because they're always on their phones. They always invite me over when they have nothing to do, and they've already gotten done doing whatever they were doing. I can't really rely on any of them for anything, they dont even know my last name which I've told them at least 300 separate times. But finally one person came into my life a year ago; someone that I didn't ever have to repeat myself to, someone who was concerned with me, someone that offered me rides without wanting anything in return, fuck he was the first friend I've had to give me presents and a card. We started talking and he seemed nice. He made a deal with me that he'd take me after lunch and smoke me out if I did his work. I even made the mistake of catching feelings but I kept that in check easy. His friendship was way more than anything I've ever asked for. The very last thing I wanted to do was be greedy and drive him away. I remember the first time he told me he loved me like he does with his best friend. Not love love but just a mutual friendship kind. I ran inside and felt the happiest I've felt since Christmas 2006. In February I straight asked him if we were friends or just a work deal. He said that he cared and that he would never ever just pretend to be my friend. I trusted him and never brought it up again. But after we graduated he just slowly started being distant. We used to hangout once a week but then he just started saying we'd hang out then ignore me the day we were supposed to hang out. I mean it's not like I wanted to be around him 24/7 but at least once every few weeks would be nice. When I started to realize he didn't care was last month before my birthday. I talked about my bday and he didn't know it. I told him it like 20 times the week before because he didn't know it. It just hurt even more because I set my snap to notify everyone when it was my bday and of course no one told me happy bday. But him, I expected him of all people to at least do that for me. After that I realized the presents, the niceness, the generosity was all nothing but FUCKING INCENTIVE TO DO HIS SHIT. We haven't had a conversation in 4 weeks. It's just me checking in every other week to make sure he's okay, then nothing else. Why did he lie to me? What's wrong with me? Why can't I ever be good enough? After my bday I would just cry days on end, but two weeks ago I stopped. I feel nothing but this pit in my stomach, that's it. Weed doesn't cheer me up, alcohol doesn't help, pills don't help, psychedelics do nothing but renforce my ideas already, even cutting and burning myself doesn't help anymore. At least choking myself out still gives me a quick buzz and puts a smile on my face. This isn't even the first person that I thought was different do this to me. my super best friend in the world last year just stopped talking to me. We were making plans to go get some food and then nothing, no more replying. I'm just going to tie up loose ends and finish all my business, then see about how and when I want to do this, im done trying with this life. This is what everyone and life wants out of me.

 

[bath salts]

I'm sorry this happened to you, I'm sure it's not your fault... you seem like a very kind and caring person who would do a lot for the people around you. The world is cruel, you are not the problem. People only think of themselves these days...

 

[Rugnificent]

I'm sorry this happened to you, I'm sure it's not your fault... you seem like a very kind and caring person who would do a lot for the people around you. The world is cruel, you are not the problem. People only think of themselves these days...

Thank you that genuinely means a lot. I just hate that I don't know if it's my fault or not

 

[bath salts]

Thank you that genuinely means a lot. I just hate that I don't know if it's my fault or not

I know what you mean. The constant self doubt is what eventually gets to you :( I'm very sorry that he hasn't given you any closure in regards to the situation.

 

[GeorgeJL]

I'm down to pretty much nothing. All my friends pretty much just ignore me, it's not like I'm all negative around them. I always try my hardest to be fun, happy, or even someone one could trust. Unfortunately that isn't enough for them. I have to repeat what I said to them because they're always on their phones. They always invite me over when they have nothing to do, and they've already gotten done doing whatever they were doing. I can't really rely on any of them for anything, they dont even know my last name which I've told them at least 300 separate times. But finally one person came into my life a year ago; someone that I didn't ever have to repeat myself to, someone who was concerned with me, someone that offered me rides without wanting anything in return, fuck he was the first friend I've had to give me presents and a card. We started talking and he seemed nice. He made a deal with me that he'd take me after lunch and smoke me out if I did his work. I even made the mistake of catching feelings but I kept that in check easy. His friendship was way more than anything I've ever asked for. The very last thing I wanted to do was be greedy and drive him away. I remember the first time he told me he loved me like he does with his best friend. Not love love but just a mutual friendship kind. I ran inside and felt the happiest I've felt since Christmas 2006. In February I straight asked him if we were friends or just a work deal. He said that he cared and that he would never ever just pretend to be my friend. I trusted him and never brought it up again. But after we graduated he just slowly started being distant. We used to hangout once a week but then he just started saying we'd hang out then ignore me the day we were supposed to hang out. I mean it's not like I wanted to be around him 24/7 but at least once every few weeks would be nice. When I started to realize he didn't care was last month before my birthday. I talked about my bday and he didn't know it. I told him it like 20 times the week before because he didn't know it. It just hurt even more because I set my snap to notify everyone when it was my bday and of course no one told me happy bday. But him, I expected him of all people to at least do that for me. After that I realized the presents, the niceness, the generosity was all nothing but FUCKING INCENTIVE TO DO HIS SHIT. We haven't had a conversation in 4 weeks. It's just me checking in every other week to make sure he's okay, then nothing else. Why did he lie to me? What's wrong with me? Why can't I ever be good enough? After my bday I would just cry days on end, but two weeks ago I stopped. I feel nothing but this pit in my stomach, that's it. Weed doesn't cheer me up, alcohol doesn't help, pills don't help, psychedelics do nothing but renforce my ideas already, even cutting and burning myself doesn't help anymore. At least choking myself out still gives me a quick buzz and puts a smile on my face. This isn't even the first person that I thought was different do this to me. my super best friend in the world last year just stopped talking to me. We were making plans to go get some food and then nothing, no more replying. I'm just going to tie up loose ends and finish all my business, then see about how and when I want to do this, im done trying with this life. This is what everyone and life wants out of me.

The fact is that people grow apart. It's the natural evolution of life. Things change and friends grow apart and get new friends. That is how it works. Even friends that want to hang out can get married and never have time to hang out after that. Or they might have to work long hours.

Also your reaction to this whole thing is over the top, which is why I suspect that you need some medication to help balance your psyche. Suicide is a last ditch option for people that have tried all that they can to fix their problems, because once you take the kool aid there is no going back. You can always try something new to help you but you only got one life so use it wisely.

Personally I don't need friends to validate my feelings and you should learn to do the same to a better degree, but if you really need friends then go to meetup.com and find people to hang out with and make friends with.

 

[Enigma]

This would be difficult to deal with, not to mention the hurt and confusion you must be feeling. You seem really sweet. I think because of your kind nature, perhaps you try too hard to please people and this is what is working against you.

To quote you: " I always try my hardest to be fun, happy, or even someone one could trust." Stop trying to be anything, just be yourself. Making friends shouldn't feel like work. Be more laid back, just be cool with people - see if that approach helps. Wishing you a wonderful day/evening.

 

[Rukia]

You sound like a very sensitive person...and pretty autoaggressive one :(

I can only tell cautionary tale that I have scares from self inflicted knife wounds which are visible on my hands, no laser will make it disapprear...When I used to work especially in the summer I always wondered what people think.. my superiors and HR people...

As for the friend maybe he has his own problems not connected with you...I once invited a friend on FB and when she called I didnt pick up...Maybe she blames herself or sth and I was so ashamed of my situation that I couldnt talk to her...No contact ever since...

What do you mean by "pills" dont help? Do you take any prescribed by a doc? You seem to be in pretty bad shape...I am worried about you...
Maybe you have other friend or relative that you can describe your situation to?

 

[Rugnificent]

This would be difficult to deal with, not to mention the hurt and confusion you must be feeling. You seem really sweet. I think because of your kind nature, perhaps you try too hard to please people and this is what is working against you.

To quote you: " I always try my hardest to be fun, happy, or even someone one could trust." Stop trying to be anything, just be yourself. Making friends shouldn't feel like work. Be more laid back, just be cool with people - see if that approach helps. Wishing you a wonderful day/evening.

Not try my hardest as in I'm trying to fight for their attention. More like try to not be a depressed a-hole so I put on a smile and chill with them. I don't talk a lot with them as it is and when I do it's usually to tell a story or talk about whatever they're talking about. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I just know I don't care anymore. Thanks for responding though

The fact is that people grow apart. It's the natural evolution of life. Things change and friends grow apart and get new friends. That is how it works. Even friends that want to hang out can get married and never have time to hang out after that. Or they might have to work long hours.

Also your reaction to this whole thing is over the top, which is why I suspect that you need some medication to help balance your psyche. Suicide is a last ditch option for people that have tried all that they can to fix their problems, because once you take the kool aid there is no going back. You can always try something new to help you but you only got one life so use it wisely.

Personally I don't need friends to validate my feelings and you should learn to do the same to a better degree, but if you really need friends then go to meetup.com and find people to hang out with and make friends with.

Eh I don't really care about it anymore I've just kinda accepted that it's ogre. As for the meds I've been to several therapists and after that doesn't work they usually suggest meds but those fucked me up bad in different ways. I've tried other things people say helps but idk anymore. Even if tomorrow everyone in the world was my friend I wouldn't care. This is just what happened to be the straw that broke the camels back. It could've been anyone or anything that could've done it. But thank you for replying

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles and the woes that you are going through. I hope you are truly at peace whether you decide on trying again (if ever) or even if you decide to seek and catch the bus. If the latter, then I hope you are able to go through with it with the least hassle and pain.

 

[Rugnificent]

You sound like a very sensitive person...and pretty autoaggressive one :(

I can only tell cautionary tale that I have scares from self inflicted knife wounds which are visible on my hands, no laser will make it disapprear...When I used to work especially in the summer I always wondered what people think.. my superiors and HR people...

As for the friend maybe he has his own problems not connected with you...I once invited a friend on FB and when she called I didnt pick up...Maybe she blames herself or sth and I was so ashamed of my situation that I couldnt talk to her...No contact ever since...

What do you mean by "pills" dont help? Do you take any prescribed by a doc? You seem to be in pretty bad shape...I am worried about you...
Maybe you have other friend or relative that you can describe your situation to?

Eh I don't really care about friends anymore. It hurt but the hurts gone, I just want out. As for pills any you can imagine; antidepressants (doc pers), opioids, amphetamine, anything and everything I could get my hands on. I have no family or relatives. If I tell my mom I'd get kicked out until I mature, dads dead but called me a pussy when i first told him I wanted to die when I was in first, brother is hardcore like depression isn't real and just a phase, sister would tell me suck it up and to keep busy. Very traditional catholic Hispanic family so as you'd imagine not a lot of support on this. I'd talk to it with my friends but I don't really trust them. I'm just done that's all I know. Thanks for responding

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles and the woes that you are going through. I hope you are truly at peace whether you decide on trying again (if ever) or even if you decide to seek and catch the bus. If the latter, then I hope you are able to go through with it with the least hassle and pain.

Thank you

 

[Rukia]

You wont like this reply, but I will go to the doc tell him about this cutting, burning, choking that should suffice to put you in the hospital...
If the family is so traditional I doubt mom will kick you out for good... I am also Catholic from Catholic family and was kicked out like 3 times every time there was a return...
Sorry about your dad

Were you ever in psych ward?
I spent over a year all together there... And often there are young people, not stereotypically "crazy" at all...with whom you can talk, have fun...

You are so young and sound so desperate...

Look even the mod here tellls you that:
"

Suicide is a last ditch option for people that have tried all that they can to fix their problems, because once you take the kool aid there is no going back. You can always try something new to help you but you only got one life so use it wisely.

And schizophrenic (my humble person ) tells you that you are in bad shape...maybe it is even a good idea to go to the E.R? I dont know how it works in Alaska, here you have to have concrete plan for them to take you to psych ward...but maybe if you mention the self harm you have a chance...

 

[Rugnificent]

I'm down to pretty much nothing. All my friends pretty much just ignore me, it's not like I'm all negative around them. I always try my hardest to be fun, happy, or even someone one could trust. Unfortunately that isn't enough for them. I have to repeat what I said to them because they're always on their phones. They always invite me over when they have nothing to do, and they've already gotten done doing whatever they were doing. I can't really rely on any of them for anything, they dont even know my last name which I've told them at least 300 separate times. But finally one person came into my life a year ago; someone that I didn't ever have to repeat myself to, someone who was concerned with me, someone that offered me rides without wanting anything in return, fuck he was the first friend I've had to give me presents and a card. We started talking and he seemed nice. He made a deal with me that he'd take me after lunch and smoke me out if I did his work. I even made the mistake of catching feelings but I kept that in check easy. His friendship was way more than anything I've ever asked for. The very last thing I wanted to do was be greedy and drive him away. I remember the first time he told me he loved me like he does with his best friend. Not love love but just a mutual friendship kind. I ran inside and felt the happiest I've felt since Christmas 2006. In February I straight asked him if we were friends or just a work deal. He said that he cared and that he would never ever just pretend to be my friend. I trusted him and never brought it up again. But after we graduated he just slowly started being distant. We used to hangout once a week but then he just started saying we'd hang out then ignore me the day we were supposed to hang out. I mean it's not like I wanted to be around him 24/7 but at least once every few weeks would be nice. When I started to realize he didn't care was last month before my birthday. I talked about my bday and he didn't know it. I told him it like 20 times the week before because he didn't know it. It just hurt even more because I set my snap to notify everyone when it was my bday and of course no one told me happy bday. But him, I expected him of all people to at least do that for me. After that I realized the presents, the niceness, the generosity was all nothing but FUCKING INCENTIVE TO DO HIS SHIT. We haven't had a conversation in 4 weeks. It's just me checking in every other week to make sure he's okay, then nothing else. Why did he lie to me? What's wrong with me? Why can't I ever be good enough? After my bday I would just cry days on end, but two weeks ago I stopped. I feel nothing but this pit in my stomach, that's it. Weed doesn't cheer me up, alcohol doesn't help, pills don't help, psychedelics do nothing but renforce my ideas already, even cutting and burning myself doesn't help anymore. At least choking myself out still gives me a quick buzz and puts a smile on my face. This isn't even the first person that I thought was different do this to me. my super best friend in the world last year just stopped talking to me. We were making plans to go get some food and then nothing, no more replying. I'm just going to tie up loose ends and finish all my business, then see about how and when I want to do this, im done trying with this life. This is what everyone and life wants out of me.

You wont like this reply, but I will go to the doc tell him about this cutting, burning, choking that should suffice to put you in the hospital...
If the family is so traditional I doubt mom will kick you out for good... I am also Catholic from Catholic family and was kicked out like 3 times every time there was a return...
Sorry about your dad

Were you ever in psych ward?
I spent over a year all together there... And often there are young people, not stereotypically "crazy" at all...with whom you can talk, have fun...

You are so young and sound so desperate...

Look even the mod here tellls you that:
"


And schizophrenic (my humble person ) tells you that you are in bad shape...maybe it is even a good idea to go to the E.R? I dont know how it works in Alaska, here you have to have concrete plan for them to take you to psych ward...but maybe if you mention the self harm you have a chance...

I was in our psych ward twice for three months a piece. Both times it was for self harm and I submitted myself. It was alright but it was more like a jail then a place to heal. The nicest thing to happen there was I'd finesse food out of the staff room with three other dudes, good times. My mom even told me my attitude was ripping my family apart and that I should just stop. I tried I really tried the group therapy, I tried the meds they recommended, I've tried meditation, I've tried religion. I just I don't know anymore, and I don't care. I just want to make as many people happy and help as many people before I go at least. I feel posting this first wasn't a good idea because my problem isn't just this and I feel that everyone is under the impression this is the only reason why. This is just the tip of the iceberg of why, I just don't want certain life details out like that. But thank you for your response

 

[Rukia]

I see...Dont know what to say anymore other than sometimes mental illnesses go into remission...
Mothers sometimes say hurtful things but they are there for you in the end...at least some of them... but those traditional ones rather fit the description...
Those pills dont seem to work though...
As for the self harm I have or rather had a friend who used to have huge problem with that and now is medical doctor...so people do grow out of it...

 

[hemonpath]

I'm on the failing path of finding true friendship as well, but never found it, doesn't seem to exist.

My suspicion is that my sense of time has been fucked by the age of the Internet. I expect things to be intense and instantaneous and to happen within weeks, months or even a year. But ever minute, every hour, every day that I have a bad experience socializing feels like a tonne of bricks. I obsessively count the mistakes I made after a great night out partying. I take every uncomfortable discussion or argument with someone as a death sentence to a relationship. I don't think things used to be that way. I've seen 60 year old drunks who seem to be doing relatively okay, so I know there's something wrong about my perspective.

Totally talked to myself there but the point was: Is that a possible reason for your extreme reaction to this? I'm no shrink and I'm a total hyprocrite because this is something I should ask myself, but dunno. Just posting-

 

[Rugnificent]

I see...Dont know what to say anymore other than sometimes mental illnesses go into remission...
Mothers sometimes say hurtful things but they are there for you in the end...at least some of them... but those traditional ones rather fit the description...
Those pills dont seem to work though...
As for the self harm I have or rather had a friend who used to have huge problem with that and now is medical doctor...so people do grow out of it...

Thank you for being kind, positive, and trying to help It's means way more to me than you think. Just if you saw all the reasons why then you'd see that this is just the thing that finally broke me down. The last time I could say I was happy and excited to do anything days on end was my first day of kinder. It all just went down hill after that,I do have some pleasant memories here and there. But it hurts to say the months I was taking any drug I could was the funnest and best time of my life.

I'm on the failing path of finding true friendship as well, but never found it, doesn't seem to exist.

My suspicion is that my sense of time has been fucked by the age of the Internet. I expect things to be intense and instantaneous and to happen within weeks, months or even a year. But ever minute, every hour, every day that I have a bad experience socializing feels like a tonne of bricks. I obsessively count the mistakes I made after a great night out partying. I take every uncomfortable discussion or argument with someone as a death sentence to a relationship. I don't think things used to be that way. I've seen 60 year old drunks who seem to be doing relatively okay, so I know there's something wrong about my perspective.

Totally talked to myself there but the point was: Is that a possible reason for your extreme reaction to this? I'm no shrink and I'm a total hyprocrite because this is something I should ask myself, but dunno. Just posting-

I can relate to some of that. But this isn't the only reason why I'm done, which was a bit of a miscommunication issue on my end. This is just what finally got to me. I had a very very small light in my life that brought me hope, it kept me getting out of bed and trying. It was small but it's what I had. That light is gone now and I can't reignite it. I don't want friends anymore, I don't want a relationship, I just want to bring joy and happiness to as many people before I go as I can. Happiness is the best feeling in the world. thank you for replying

 

[Rukia]

For some period in my life religion was the thing that was getting me out of the bed...You said you have tried religion...Are you a believer now?

 

[Rugnificent]

For some period in my life religion was the thing that was getting me out of the bed...You said you have tried religion...Are you a believer now?

I've tried all sorts of religions for a few months at a time each. Catholicism made me feel so ashamed of myself, so religion in general is just negative asmr for me.

 

[Arbie]

You wont like this reply, but I will go to the doc tell him about this cutting, burning, choking that should suffice to put you in the hospital...
If the family is so traditional I doubt mom will kick you out for good... I am also Catholic from Catholic family and was kicked out like 3 times every time there was a return...
Sorry about your dad

Were you ever in psych ward?
I spent over a year all together there... And often there are young people, not stereotypically "crazy" at all...with whom you can talk, have fun...

You are so young and sound so desperate...

Look even the mod here tellls you that:
"


And schizophrenic (my humble person ) tells you that you are in bad shape...maybe it is even a good idea to go to the E.R? I dont know how it works in Alaska, here you have to have concrete plan for them to take you to psych ward...but maybe if you mention the self harm you have a chance...

In the US...all that person has to do is walk into the closest hospital or clinic, and say "if you don't help me, I'm going to kill myself right now, right here"... you will have a personal escort to the nearest facility with no problem. Hell, you can call 911and tell them your getting ready to kill yourself and your neighbor...yeah, a very personal escort to the hospital. Even have time to pack a small bag of bathroom stuff.