-nobodyknows-
Arcanist
- Jun 16, 2024
- 439
So, I was futzing around with an AI today trying to get it to give me a timeframe for when I should give up and kill myself. Told it my situation, what I've done to try to improve, and the like. It took a while to get it to give me an answer, but what it did give me was kind of funny.
According to it, I should have killed myself a long, long time ago. And, while I guess I sort of had already given up by that time anyway, I just… found it funny. It really makes no difference either way, considering how long I've been like this, and how Ive already established a timeline, but still. It does help me to accept my situation a little bit. It's kind of nice to have something say "yes, you've done all you can. It's okay to let go now."
Some might say that it has no idea what it's talking about, and yeah, they are probably right. But no one gives me an answer anyway. I've asked a lot of people over the years, and no one tells me anything. They just sort of avoid the question, or say something like "it's never okay".
But, you know, it's fine. The great thing about these things is that they can be brutally honest with you, even if they do give you stupid answers.
Part of me wishes people were like that. If someone I trusted had told me to spend ten years working on myself and then do it if my life is still shit, I'd probably listen. But no human will give you a number like that. There's always that little seed of doubt, that worry that if you do reach that point, and you are still suicidal and thinking back to what they said, then they are somehow responsible for your death.
It's sad, isn't it? That people cannot be honest about such things. All I want to know is if they were in my shoes… how long could they wait? How long is long enough to say "I've done my due diligence, it's time for me to go"?
But don't worry too much about me. I'll be sticking around for a few months longer, just to see how a couple of things play out. I'm incredibly skeptical, since I don't think my chances are very good, but we'll see. And if they don't, well, then I'll make my move.
For you see, my life is incredibly dark and cold. It matches the aesthetic of the coming winter perfectly. But spring… every spring I hope to have something different. To see an end to my personal winter, one that has continued to rage unabated for over a decade.
There is a certain date of importance to me in the spring as well. The day someone started trying to help me. That person has since given up on me… so perhaps I will give up on that day.
It will still be quite disappointing, however, if I end up doing that. I really have tried. And, if that happens, it will mean that I was never able to find someone who was willing to stand by me. I know it's such a long shot anyway, but thinking about how I will never be able to have that still makes me incredibly sad.
I really hope something changes by then.
According to it, I should have killed myself a long, long time ago. And, while I guess I sort of had already given up by that time anyway, I just… found it funny. It really makes no difference either way, considering how long I've been like this, and how Ive already established a timeline, but still. It does help me to accept my situation a little bit. It's kind of nice to have something say "yes, you've done all you can. It's okay to let go now."
Some might say that it has no idea what it's talking about, and yeah, they are probably right. But no one gives me an answer anyway. I've asked a lot of people over the years, and no one tells me anything. They just sort of avoid the question, or say something like "it's never okay".
But, you know, it's fine. The great thing about these things is that they can be brutally honest with you, even if they do give you stupid answers.
Part of me wishes people were like that. If someone I trusted had told me to spend ten years working on myself and then do it if my life is still shit, I'd probably listen. But no human will give you a number like that. There's always that little seed of doubt, that worry that if you do reach that point, and you are still suicidal and thinking back to what they said, then they are somehow responsible for your death.
It's sad, isn't it? That people cannot be honest about such things. All I want to know is if they were in my shoes… how long could they wait? How long is long enough to say "I've done my due diligence, it's time for me to go"?
But don't worry too much about me. I'll be sticking around for a few months longer, just to see how a couple of things play out. I'm incredibly skeptical, since I don't think my chances are very good, but we'll see. And if they don't, well, then I'll make my move.
For you see, my life is incredibly dark and cold. It matches the aesthetic of the coming winter perfectly. But spring… every spring I hope to have something different. To see an end to my personal winter, one that has continued to rage unabated for over a decade.
There is a certain date of importance to me in the spring as well. The day someone started trying to help me. That person has since given up on me… so perhaps I will give up on that day.
It will still be quite disappointing, however, if I end up doing that. I really have tried. And, if that happens, it will mean that I was never able to find someone who was willing to stand by me. I know it's such a long shot anyway, but thinking about how I will never be able to have that still makes me incredibly sad.
I really hope something changes by then.
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