Discussion I’ve died a hundred thousand different ways in my thoughts

[nomoredolor]

From intrusive thoughts to detailed death planning I've died a hundred thousand different ways in my head.

As young as 12 years old I remember a long car trip where I fantasized about being strapped to a cross type fixture (non sexual) and shot in each limb / non fatal spot until finally the killing blow was delivered. (I had a lot of religious trauma and guilt and felt I deserved it.) I even thought about going to my church and shooting my self there under the cross.

Later on as a teenager a friend of mine was in a movie gallery while it was robbed by a man with a ski mask and a gun. I was jealous of her. I fantasized about being in a place while it was robbed, "being the hero" and saving another person by dying in their place. I thought if another person murdered me I could be redeemed for my faults.

When I was a newlywed I imagined my partner putting their hands around my throat and taking my life during intimacy.

Now I am in my early 30s and I've imagined slitting my wrists, carbon monoxide poisoning, throwing myself into the sea, jumping from tall heights, overdosing, running in front of an 18 wheeler truck and driving into an concrete barrier at 100. And everything in between. These thoughts have provided me with so much cold comfort. I often fall asleep relaxed by one of these scenarios.

I've died so many times in my mind that it feels like a memory instead of a dream.

Share, if you'd like, about your ideations or whatever comes to mind.

Anna

 

[heftysuicide]

Now I think of it. I just realized that I died so many times in my imaginations too

 

[rocksnrocks]

It's been the same for me, since quite literally as long as I can remember. It's kinda fucked up that i was falling asleep to scenarios where i got killed or ctb and that would bring me peace. it's never stopped, not for a day.

 

[aceless_spade]

I remember in high school I would look off at the roof and imagine jumping off. Wonder if that's how I'll die. Still need to find a method.

 

[FuneralCry]

The death that I personally wish and hope for is falling into an eternal, dreamless sleep and never suffering again but of course such is not the reality so I continue to suffer instead, ceasing to exist truly is all I wish for and as long as I exist I'll only hope to be gone, I was never meant to suffer in this existence I always saw as so cruel and torturous.

 

[nothingbutmybest]

I've died in many ways since I was a kid but they were mostly for fun. Some of them would be incredibly painful but after I'd pull myself out, I knew it wasn't real but the throbbing pain and sweating after definitely was. Though most of them tried to be as creative as possible, these ways of dying became realistic instead of more creative.


I would say the most interesting ones are blowing up in slow motion, watching another me let myself be punched by yet another me to death, robbing a bank with a fake airsoft gun and then driving a car into a desert with a brick on the pedal so I can pull a parachute with my neck tied to a steering wheel as it snaps my neck and the money flies out the back of the car