Venting I've decided on a ctb(?) method

[AngelicPsychedelic]

I mentioned this in a previous thread, but now I'm certain.
I'm going to try to ctb by a gun playing russian roulette.

I don't want to live, but I don't necessarily want to die either. Ctb in a regular way would be too scary for me, since I'm unable to give up all hope, but I can't live like this anymore. Everything is getting worse and worse and I'm deteriorating by the minute. I don't want to slowly dig myself into a hole. I'd rather die. I don't want to survive, I wanna live.

This method seems almost perfect to me. I would try to make the chances 50-50. If I live I'll be more determined to live a good life and if I die I don't have to suffer anymore.
Death would be neutral to me if I wound't be suffering, but since I am I would find it a positive.
Surviving and being happy again would be even better, but I don't see it happening unless I try this method or I come close to death some other way.

Acquiring a gun isn't easy where I live so I'm not going to ctb anytime soon. I don't know much about guns or how to ctb with them, so advice is appreciated, I will also do some research on my own. I have a irl friend who is also a user of this site and is obsessed with guns, so I'll ask him for advice too.

I'm a bit scared about the chance that I do shoot myself, it fails and I become crippled, that would be the worst outcome and I'd do anything to ctb at that point. Even thinking about this outcome makes me terrified!

If anyone has had any near death experiences please tell me how it felt afterwards! Any advice/questions/etc. is appreciated!

 

[MidnightDream]

I completely understand where you're coming from, but in my opinion if you've still got some hope left inside you like you say you do, I would try to hold onto that. It's not a bad thing. You don't need a near death experience to fuel that determination to give you a good life, if that's what you believe the outcome would be should you survive, then you already have that spark inside you somewhere. Perhaps you aren't giving it a chance to come out, since you're fixating on leaving it quite literally up to russian roulette.

As someone who was in your position and did have a near death experience (not self induced, completely unexpected), it can really change your perspective but it doesn't last, believe me. Unless you truly want it to, and you put work into that, it won't last. If surviving and being happy is 'even better' than the idea of death, then please, please put your energy towards that instead.

 

[AngelicPsychedelic]

I completely understand where you're coming from, but in my opinion if you've still got some hope left inside you like you say you do, I would try to hold onto that. It's not a bad thing. You don't need a near death experience to fuel that determination to give you a good life, if that's what you believe the outcome would be should you survive, then you already have that spark inside you somewhere. Perhaps you aren't giving it a chance to come out, since you're fixating on leaving it quite literally up to russian roulette.

As someone who was in your position and did have a near death experience (not self induced, completely unexpected), it can really change your perspective but it doesn't last, believe me. Unless you truly want it to, and you put work into that, it won't last. If surviving and being happy is 'even better' than the idea of death, then please, please put your energy towards that instead.

I really wish I could focus on becoming better without this, but I seem to give up very easily. I think I just need something to give me a shove and strengthen my determination. I don't know what else to do.

 

[Mister Skittles]

Before you try anything that puts your safety in parrel, please try seeking help. Friends, family, therapist, hotline or anything of the sorts. I don't know what situation your life is in, however you should spend your time researching on how to improve your life. If you don't have access to professionals who can give you advice on how to help fix your life, research some things that improve general life quality. It's always worth it to put in the effort to change things, theirs nothing to lose in trying and everything to lose when you ctb.
If near death experiences of the sort, are something that help you gain the will to live, due to you reacting to adrenaline or something of the sort try wild roller coasters or something of that nature first. They can cause adrenaline rushes and perhaps give you bursts of feeling alive, without posing a high safety risk. Perhaps you could do activities like climbing (In a controlled environment such as an indoor climbing centre!). Those places often have activities where you can jump off high places while being completely secure. For many people, despite knowing there safe they still feel that burst of fear and adrenaline.
Please do NOT use this suggestion as your first choice. While some people genuienly can't feel alive, unless they practice professions that put them at some sort of risk (mountain climbing, caving, parachuting off planes), theirs a chance your brain may also have an unhealthy addiction to adrenaline. In those cases, people will recklessly put themselves in parrel, often not taking proper precautions for their own safety.

 

[AngelicPsychedelic]

Before you try anything that puts your safety in parrel, please try seeking help. Friends, family, therapist, hotline or anything of the sorts. I don't know what situation your life is in, however you should spend your time researching on how to improve your life. If you don't have access to professionals who can give you advice on how to help fix your life, research some things that improve general life quality. It's always worth it to put in the effort to change things, theirs nothing to lose in trying and everything to lose when you ctb.
If near death experiences of the sort, are something that help you gain the will to live, due to you reacting to adrenaline or something of the sort try wild roller coasters or something of that nature first. They can cause adrenaline rushes and perhaps give you bursts of feeling alive, without posing a high safety risk. Perhaps you could do activities like climbing (In a controlled environment such as an indoor climbing centre!). Those places often have activities where you can jump off high places while being completely secure. For many people, despite knowing there safe they still feel that burst of fear and adrenaline.
Please do NOT use this suggestion as your first choice. While some people genuienly can't feel alive, unless they practice professions that put them at some sort of risk (mountain climbing, caving, parachuting off planes), theirs a chance your brain may also have an unhealthy addiction to adrenaline. In those cases, people will recklessly put themselves in parrel, often not taking proper precautions for their own safety.

I've attended therapy before and it didn't do anything. I've just started group therapy, but I don't see it helping (this is where I met the friend who I mentioned in the post). I have never mentioned being suicidal at either, since one of my biggest fears are being put in a psych ward (which from what I have heard doesn't help and traumatizes you further).
I love roller coasters! I can't go on them often though. I lack motivation to do sports or anything like that (My previus therapist suspected I have depression). From my family only my parents know of my self harm addiction, and seeing how much that affected my mother, I couldn't tell her something like this. They wouldn't understand anyway, it would only stress them out. I have very few friends. I can't talk about this to my best friend, since she hates when I mention any of my problems and doesn't take them seriously. I'm not close enough to anyone else to mention this, except to the guy who I met in therapy, but he is also suicidal and I don't think we are able to help eachother in stuff like this.

 

[MidnightDream]

I really wish I could focus on becoming better without this, but I seem to give up very easily. I think I just need something to give me a shove and strengthen my determination. I don't know what else to do.

I understand that feeling entirely.. But a near death experience isn't the 'fix all' that you might be thinking it would be. It might give you that push for a few months at most.
And then obviously the alternative is.. permanent. For me, I don't think that ultimatum is worth it at all if your goal is to be happy. It's almost a lose lose.

 

[AngelicPsychedelic]

I understand that feeling entirely.. But a near death experience isn't the 'fix all' that you might be thinking it would be. It might give you that push for a few months at most.
And then obviously the alternative is.. permanent. For me, I don't think that ultimatum is worth it at all if your goal is to be happy. It's almost a lose lose.

I just feel so helpless! I don't know what else to do.
Thank you for your advice, It's really comforting that you want me to re-think this! <3 I'll talk with my friend about it, see what he has to say I guess (next time we prob meet is in a week and a half).

 

[MidnightDream]

I just feel so helpless! I don't know what else to do.
Thank you for your advice, It's really comforting that you want me to re-think this! <3 I'll talk with my friend about it, see what he has to say I guess (next time we prob meet is in a week and a half).

Bless you, I'm glad you found it comforting and I'm glad you're considering rethinking. You deserve to be able to make your own choices, and this doesn't give you that chance. I wish there was something I could suggest that would help more than that, but my inbox is always open if you need any support <3

 

[Gaga786]

Hello, I hope you're doing well. I totally understand your position and it hurts me to see you suffering so intensely. I agree with @MidnightDream, a near death experience isn't worth it. trust me. I had one, not a near death exactly, incident where I did try to CTB and yet I was found. At first I felt like I gained a new vision and a profound perspective towards life, but it took literally what like 2, 3 weeks for that to be shattered. I eventually forgot about that, and now I ,despite remembering it, It still hasn't done me any good. If you don't want to live, I understand that , but do think about dying on a deeper level because you still have some hope left. You don't need a near death experience to show that you are worth living. You are worth living regardless if you want to because it's your choice and you're worthy of love. however, whatever decision it is, we will respect that. I wish you the best, and take care of yourself.

 

[Mimi_]

You are undecided, better give one last try to life. Since you said guns are hard to provide in your country, take this time to really think about it. If you still have hope, death might not be the solution. You can still find the strengh to accomplish thing with ambition.