I've decided I'm ready

[Beyond_Repair]

I almost have everything I need, just waiting for the last of my supplies for SN method to arrive in the mail.

I feel like I gave life a good enough shot, I tried living a healthy lifestyle, exercising consistently, eating right, meditating, therapy, different antidepressants. I tried making friends, changing careers, looking at the bright side of things. The pain is always there and I know will always be there. I've accepted that a combination of intergenerational trauma, adverse childhood experiences, and the way my brain works makes it so that I will always be in state of emotional pain and anxiety.

I know some people learn to live with it, but that's just not a life I deem worth living. I'm so tired

 

[sugarh1gh]

You have done a lot. I admire you trying. Hope everything goes well with planning, and it goes as planned.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

You have done a lot. I admire you trying. Hope everything goes well with planning, and it goes as planned.

Thank you for saying that, I appreciate it :)

 

[sukiduki]

its hard to feel like all your efforts led to nothing. i'm so sorry you are feeling this. i understand how you feel. may peace come to you

 

[Beyond_Repair]

its hard to feel like all your efforts led to nothing. i'm so sorry you are feeling this. i understand how you feel. may peace come to you

Thank you :)

 

[thealteredmind]

psilocybin?

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I understand this whole heartedly. I'm trying to do the same thing but my battle nearing its end. Hopefully you'll find the peace you seek and best wishes to you.

 

[itsneverbeenmoreove]

As long as you are confident in your decision, I wish you the best. I hope it goes well. I don't think your hard work was wasted by ending up here, because I don't think death is a failure. It's just one of many possible conclusions. So you should be proud of what you did do. And you should be proud of making a choice here. And don't be ashamed if you change your mind either. SI is very powerful, and there's nothing wrong with struggling to follow through. I wish you luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Onelegman]

I almost have everything I need, just waiting for the last of my supplies for SN method to arrive in the mail.

I feel like I gave life a good enough shot, I tried living a healthy lifestyle, exercising consistently, eating right, meditating, therapy, different antidepressants. I tried making friends, changing careers, looking at the bright side of things. The pain is always there and I know will always be there. I've accepted that a combination of intergenerational trauma, adverse childhood experiences, and the way my brain works makes it so that I will always be in state of emotional pain and anxiety.

I know some people learn to live with it, but that's just not a life I deem worth living. I'm so tired

I feel the same way, I have tried for 20 years to give life, people, my partners and friends a chance, but I never managed to get rid of the idea that sooner or later I would do it again, the peace was intermittent but enough to not think about it for quite a while.

I think that people who manage to live with it do not suffer on as many levels as we do, that is why they can deal with it, or because they manage to make the pills work for them, or because they deceive themselves very well, perhaps because their body produces enough dopamine and other essential substances for a good mood.

I just got an email telling me that my order will arrive today, or on Monday if there is a delay in delivery. I am very happy because I will also have everything I need and I will only have to plan and wait for the chosen day to arrive. I will not hesitate, I do not fear death, YES is something else, but this does not hurt like fixing 20 bones that you have broken by jumping off the terrace, just a little discomfort in the stomach for a few hours with very bad luck. After drinking, there will be fear, but my desire is so strong that I will bear it stoically.

I hope that we both achieve our goal, peace and happiness.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so tired, it sounds like you've suffered a lot. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you wish for.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

psilocybin?

Dextromethorphan, spravato, ketamine?

 

[aslank98]

I hope your journey is peaceful my friend, whatever you decide to do

 

[thealteredmind]

Dextromethorphan, spravato, ketamine?

eeh the first one I don't think so, but the other ones could help.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

eeh the first one I don't think so, but the other ones could help.

I always add dextromethorphan because it's an nmda antagonist and works similarly to Spravato. It's mixed with burpropion and called Auvelity. Came out late '22. I already take burpropion so I'm DIY version for a few reasons. I've done Spravato. I would tell everyone to give it a shot, literally cause it's a nasal spray lol. If we all got one hit of that everryday, I think a solid third would be off this site. It's covered by insurance. Ketamine as far as I know if still pay-out-of-pocket.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

psilocybin?

Never tried it, although marijuana gives me panic attacks and LSD caused me to have an episode of dissociation that lasted a few months, so not sure I would respond well to it lol

I understand this whole heartedly. I'm trying to do the same thing but my battle nearing its end. Hopefully you'll find the peace you seek and best wishes to you.

Thank you. I'm sorry you're going through it too. I wish you peace in whatever you decide to do, I understand how difficult it is

As long as you are confident in your decision, I wish you the best. I hope it goes well. I don't think your hard work was wasted by ending up here, because I don't think death is a failure. It's just one of many possible conclusions. So you should be proud of what you did do. And you should be proud of making a choice here. And don't be ashamed if you change your mind either. SI is very powerful, and there's nothing wrong with struggling to follow through. I wish you luck with whatever you decide.

Thank you so much for your kind words and reassurance. Also, I love your avatar, sailor moon was one of my favorite shows when I was a kid :)

 

[feelinggloomy]

I almost have everything I need, just waiting for the last of my supplies for SN method to arrive in the mail.

I feel like I gave life a good enough shot, I tried living a healthy lifestyle, exercising consistently, eating right, meditating, therapy, different antidepressants. I tried making friends, changing careers, looking at the bright side of things. The pain is always there and I know will always be there. I've accepted that a combination of intergenerational trauma, adverse childhood experiences, and the way my brain works makes it so that I will always be in state of emotional pain and anxiety.

I know some people learn to live with it, but that's just not a life I deem worth living. I'm so tired

I'm so sorry for your suffering I really am. My son CTB and spoke much of the same in the years preceding his passing. And I understood. It made me sad but I understood. When he talked like that I tried to listen and not try to fix it. It's not fixable. Now I feel the same way. Without my son it's a matter of time. I respect that you say you gave life a good shot. That's all any of us can do. I'm sorry that regardless of what you did or tried your pain was unrelenting. I get it …. It's awful. I wish you peace.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I feel the same way, I have tried for 20 years to give life, people, my partners and friends a chance, but I never managed to get rid of the idea that sooner or later I would do it again, the peace was intermittent but enough to not think about it for quite a while.

I think that people who manage to live with it do not suffer on as many levels as we do, that is why they can deal with it, or because they manage to make the pills work for them, or because they deceive themselves very well, perhaps because their body produces enough dopamine and other essential substances for a good mood.

I just got an email telling me that my order will arrive today, or on Monday if there is a delay in delivery. I am very happy because I will also have everything I need and I will only have to plan and wait for the chosen day to arrive. I will not hesitate, I do not fear death, YES is something else, but this does not hurt like fixing 20 bones that you have broken by jumping off the terrace, just a little discomfort in the stomach for a few hours with very bad luck. After drinking, there will be fear, but my desire is so strong that I will bear it stoically.

I hope that we both achieve our goal, peace and happiness.

Thank you for your response. I hope your plan works out for you, and you find peace whatever you choose to do. I'm a bit worried about the discomfort ngl, not necessarily the pain itself but the anxiety/fear surrounding the pain, if that makes sense, although I will have xanax so hopefully that helps combat that.

I understand why you'd feel so tired, it sounds like you've suffered a lot. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you wish for.

Thank you!

I'm so sorry for your suffering I really am. My son CTB and spoke much of the same in the years preceding his passing. And I understood. It made me sad but I understood. When he talked like that I tried to listen and not try to fix it. It's not fixable. Now I feel the same way. Without my son it's a matter of time. I respect that you say you gave life a good shot. That's all any of us can do. I'm sorry that regardless of what you did or tried your pain was unrelenting. I get it …. It's awful. I wish you peace.

Thank you for your kind words, and I'm so sorry for your loss. That must be difficult, but you seem to be very understanding and compassionate to his situation, I'm sure that meant more to him than you know I wish you peace as well

 

[Onelegman]

Gracias por su respuesta. Espero que tu plan funcione para ti y encuentres paz en cualquier cosa que elijas hacer. Estoy un poco preocupado por la incomodidad, no necesariamente por el dolor en sí, sino por la ansiedad/miedo que rodea al dolor, si eso tiene sentido, aunque tomaré xanax, así que espero que eso ayude a combatirlo.

¡Gracias!

Gracias por tus amables palabras y lamento mucho tu pérdida. Eso debe ser difícil, pero pareces ser muy comprensivo y compasivo con su situación. Estoy seguro de que eso significó para él más de lo que crees. :corazón: Te deseo paz también.

The biggest pain or worry is thinking that I might fail. Thanks for answering. This community is fantastic.

 

[thealteredmind]

Never tried it, although marijuana gives me panic attacks and LSD caused me to have an episode of dissociation that lasted a few months, so not sure I would respond well to it lol

oh ok. then don't!

I always add dextromethorphan because it's an nmda antagonist and works similarly to Spravato. It's mixed with burpropion and called Auvelity. Came out late '22. I already take burpropion so I'm DIY version for a few reasons. I've done Spravato. I would tell everyone to give it a shot, literally cause it's a nasal spray lol. If we all got one hit of that everryday, I think a solid third would be off this site. It's covered by insurance. Ketamine as far as I know if still pay-out-of-pocket.

interesting. so it does help you?

 

[Unfitted]

You are a strong and persistent warrior. You deserve a good rest after a long, tough fight. May you find peace. I am in a similar situation, hope I can join you soon!

 

[Beyond_Repair]

You are a strong and persistent warrior. You deserve a good rest after a long, tough fight. May you find peace. I am in a similar situation, hope I can join you soon!

Thank you, best of luck in whatever you decide to do, and hope you find peace :)