I am losing my mind. I've completely destroyed my life and have caused alienation from everyone important to me due to my own stupid decisions. I am completely isolated, I have very limited connections to anything in this world. I just can't maintain "normal" human relations. I am a complete pariah and feel so alone in this world. I've messed up all the limited friendships I have in life because I've completely withdrawn from the world and it's so fucked up. I am completely invisible... It's so hard, 2020 really fucked me up, like everyone I assume... I am broken. It's just sad thinking about how they could never understand my plight but my ctb will still hurt the people in my life. I don't know, my life is in ruins and I just want to die, to sleep forever. I'm so alone. The decisions I've made this year were my own and it has destroyed me. But I've wanted ctb always, even from a young age I now realize I was headed this way, like destiny. WTF is wrong with me? This world is, so fucking messed up. I am so crazy right now, I can bearly know what is real or not. I just wish I could die... I'm so sorry we're all here... I'm literally bawling my eyes out right now. I'm losing the it. I just hate how the world is. I just wish the world was better or that I was dead. At least I know I want to die. This year has completely destroyed me. I can't understand how I fit in this world and never will. I am so dead inside. I just wish there were easier ways to ctb. I wish I could just jump, but I haven't yet. Anyone else feel something like this?
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Denise2207
Member
- Aug 9, 2020
- 54
I'm feeling the same. So sorry you're feeling like this. Pm me if you want to talk. Sending hugs to you.
Did something acutely happen to make you feel so distressed?
Stick
Experienced
- Aug 31, 2020
- 269
I'm so sorry foxdie! I'm feeling okay right now, but I understand what you are feeling. I think a lot of us here do. Is there anything in particular that is making you feel so strongly right now?
You aren't the only one who's fucked up their relationships, I've lost all of my friends I had before COVID because I don't know how to socialize outside of forced situations. You might be alone right now, but we can be alone together, if that means anything to you.
You aren't the only one who's fucked up their relationships, I've lost all of my friends I had before COVID because I don't know how to socialize outside of forced situations. You might be alone right now, but we can be alone together, if that means anything to you.
I just have no connections to the world. I am completely isolated by my own poor choices.
I can understand that. Do you feel at all connected with the group? I can offer you friendship if you want or need someone to talk to.
ladolcemorte
Experienced
- May 5, 2019
- 286
I'm feeling pretty much exactly like that. Invisible. None of my fake Facebook friends are even liking my posts anymore. Even my fake online life is depressing. I am so alone. I so desperately want to talk to someone but no one understands. No one even wants to try to understand.
mr.smileysad
Student
- Aug 29, 2020
- 167
that sucks bro If you ever want someone to talk to feel free to pm me I think I'm about as messed up as you are
I am completely broken. I don't even know what to PM people I know. I'm so lost, I just want to die...
Deleted member 18655
Enlightened
- Jun 4, 2020
- 1,423
You can always just talk about your day or what interests you. Stuff you watched on tv, or what you ate today.
I have nothing now. I can't even engage with the world because I am so disconnected. I just feel everything is just arbitrary. I don't know anymore,
I'm so sorry.. Last years brought me to this ctb situation too. Wrong decitions. I try to go on but it's hard. At least I'm trying but I always have this feeling of ctb. I've always had the feeling that I don't fit in this world and I'm seen as a weird person. Wish you the best 
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Might help to get some sleep. melatonin can help if you can't fall asleep.
ladolcemorte
Experienced
- May 5, 2019
- 286
I get that. I started arguing with random morons online (always a futile endeavour...) Just to feel some sense of connection. Now the morons have stopped responding and I have no dialogue with anyone save and except these forum posts.
I feel you mon ami. I am so alone, just like you.
I can't sleep normally. I just wish I could sleep forever. My most content moments are the initial moments after I wake up before the weight of the world crushes me 5 seconds after. I wish I could just end it all.
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cowbain
teach me empathy
- Jul 16, 2019
- 143
I so feel you dude. I can't really make friends anymore and even before when I was more functional, the friends I made were never really true friends. I go to the internet to meet friends and all I got was creeps & flaky people. I just don't mesh well with other humans. I never have the same interests and I guess I'm too negative. I met who I thought was the loml and I couldn't even keep that long term. I'm just a weird fuck up. I may be young but I know time isn't the issue, it's me. There's something inherently flawed in my dna that makes other people repelled by me. If I do decide to live I'm gonna have to accept that I'll be alone the rest of my life. No family and definitely no partner since I can't even keep friends. If I make it out of this house I'm gonna focus on healing & on my career. I'm gonna splurge in my interests and truly try to be happy. I also want to help as many people as I can. As I age I'll embrace being a crazy cat lady, except I want more than just cats, I want a pet cow too amongst other things, lol.
ladolcemorte
Experienced
- May 5, 2019
- 286
I even thought of calling a crisis line but I don't even know what I would say. I'm pretty sure I am having a crisis...I should be packing up my things and cleaning my apartment in preparation for moving out (well, more accurately CTB before the move out date), but my heart is pounding and I cannot move. I don't have my CTB materials together and I am worried I will act on impulse and screw things up. I can't think. I can't focus on anything except this site right now.
Deathbydemo
Mage
- Feb 15, 2020
- 518
Everything you have written I felt like I could have written myself. I know what you mean about feeling alone - I also screwed things up with the love of my life with my own bullshit theories and assumptions and ultimately he now wants nothing to do with me. Can't say I blame him. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I don't know what else to say. I can only hope that you will find a comfort, albeit small, knowing that you are not alone. I'm pretty sure all of us here feel like a fuck up in some form or another.
mahakaliSS_MahaDurga
Visionary
- Apr 2, 2020
- 2,404
Thanks for everyone's supportive messages, it really means a lot . I was pretty blitzed yesterday and super emotional. I'd normally write notes like this on my phone but this community gives me an outlet. I actually slept, I mean I woke up today with a few inexplicable minor injuries but I didn't die. I had to go get some more cigarettes just now and I had to remind myself that I have to wait until I get back home before I can start crying again. I hate this world and my life.
. I was pretty blitzed yesterday and super emotional. I'd normally write notes like this on my phone but this community gives me an outlet. I actually slept, I mean I woke up today with a few inexplicable minor injuries but I didn't die. I had to go get some more cigarettes just now and I had to remind myself that I have to wait until I get back home before I can start crying again. I hate this world and my life.
Deathbydemo
Mage
- Feb 15, 2020
- 518
I'm happy you're still here with us. Hang in there just another day.
Wheelz1985
Ready to roll out.
- Mar 19, 2020
- 39
I 100% understand where you're coming from. You're words easily mirror my life.
Just kinda here as an observer, until I choose to ctb. Most days nothing entertains me
or peaks my interest. I'm even sick of video games.. Which I never thought I would be.
I need a job, a purpose. Something I can enjoy doing, Making enough money.to buy the cool
Shit I wanna buy. But motivation and willpower are gone. So much so I find it easier to kms..
Than to try in life. However, after years I finally talked to a psychiatrist. Who put me on
anti-depressants, which I'm willing to try. Because why not? Suicide will always be an option.
Just kinda here as an observer, until I choose to ctb. Most days nothing entertains me
or peaks my interest. I'm even sick of video games.. Which I never thought I would be.
I need a job, a purpose. Something I can enjoy doing, Making enough money.to buy the cool
Shit I wanna buy. But motivation and willpower are gone. So much so I find it easier to kms..
Than to try in life. However, after years I finally talked to a psychiatrist. Who put me on
anti-depressants, which I'm willing to try. Because why not? Suicide will always be an option.
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