Venting I’ve become everything I don’t want to be

[willitpass]

Before I came to the hospital in October I still had the ability to put on somewhat of a mask. I was more irritable and had largely isolated myself, but I could put on enough of a front that nobody asked many questions. I still knew what good things I had in my life and the good qualities I possessed, even if I could no longer enjoy them. Now, almost 14 weeks later, I feel like I have lost touch with all of those things. I want to die just as much, and now I have become a person I despise. I am no longer successful in a full time job, a straight A student in my degree program, fully financially independent, and a caring person. I am jobless, a drop out, nearly out of money and about to lose my apartment and car, and I have become an angry, rude person. I snap easily. I ignore people. I yell. I break down. I've even insulted people at times. I am so easily thrown into a sobbing rage. It's primarily apparent with my therapist. She's the only one I truly lose it to. Our personalities just greatly clash. But I've still become incredibly irritated and impulsive with others as well.

I hate who I've become.

I can't wait to die.

 

[_Maya]

I remember i used to be happy and bubbly back then, saying i'd never actually kill myself, and well, here i am.
Life seems to always find a way to fuck people over, All i can say is to try your best, but that hasn't really gotten me anywhere.

 

[Forever Sleep]

This is so sad to read. I'm so sorry. It just seems terrible, that as someone who has obviously given a lot to others in a caring profession is now in such a difficult position.

Would you say your current MH stay has caused this? In which case, how awful. Something that is supposed to help, actually makes things worse. Is it mainly the financial drain putting pressure on everything? I've heard other members say they ended up worse off because of it. I don't really understand why that isn't taken into account. Surely someone with no funds coming in plus, massive medical bills is going to be massively stressed. How can they recover after such a setback?

I suppose I'm curious- as someone who has experience both sides- both giving and receiving healthcare- where are they going wrong do you think? If they are. What approach would have helped you more?

I'm sorry you hate who you feel you've become. I can relate in part. I have far less patience now. It becomes hard really when you feel so resentful for so many things in life.