It’s time, don’t want to be alone

[Ontwon]

Hey everyone,

So I've been suicidal for years and I'm very nearing the razor's edge now. I got a shotgun, going to the range in an hour to learn how to use it, then tie up a couple loose ends. After that there's nothing stopping me from ctb-ing except SI and hope which is a four letter word that only keeps me trapped here :/

Don't know why I'm bothering to write a post, I guess just wanting to reach out one last time, I want someone to save me from myself if I'm honest because this whole business is scary. I don't want to die. I want life to stop being what it continues to be and stop hurting so much. All that I try to "get better" fails so yeah I'm feeling pretty defeated right now. I'm tired of all this and tired of the methods I'm given to improve things because those too hurt and are tiring.

It's a pity party I'm having really, and it's kind of disgusting, sick really when you think about it. But then again these are all stories in my head so they have little truth, or I don't know what about them is actually trustworthy. Is this a pity party, a cry for help, for attention, a pointless lethal gesture? I don't know. I can't know. I have little left in me that desires to know anymore but just a vat of fear, and shame.

Hope someone can understand, thank you for reading

 

[C14]

Hi, read your post and think it's no pity party. Just wanted to wish you happiness. I'm in a similar situation, though I lack access to firearms. In the end I am probably going to have to tank it out again due to other factors.

> All that I try to "get better" fails so yeah I'm feeling pretty defeated right now. I'm tired of all this and tired of the methods I'm given to improve things because those too hurt and are tiring.

Very relatable. I advise you to sustain your effort to improve. At least don't neglect your responsibilities, because if you don't end up killing yourself, your path to recovery will be much longer if you destroy everything (eg also don't pick up recreational drugs). It's super hard and maybe impossible to keep it together but so worth it.

Keep thinking up creative solutions. I believe in you! Hugs

 

[losingit]

Hello,

Your post is so relatable, there is such a difference between wanting to die and not wanting to live- that's me right now

It's not a pity party- it's distress which is so understandable under unbearable strain

 

[Groundhog_Day]

I don't want to die. I want life to stop being what it continues to be and stop hurting so much.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I too don't want to die, but life circumstances are making it more inevitable.

It's not great advice, but I'm trying to get relief from the constant negative self talk, by observing it without judgement, and bringing my attention to my breath. It's early days but, I'm hoping it can over time help create distance from the negative thoughts and therefore, emotions, and ultimately give me strength to keep going on.

Hope things can get better for you. You're going through a lot, so it's important to be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself like you would a friend.

 

[Ontwon]

Hi, read your post and think it's no pity party. Just wanted to wish you happiness. I'm in a similar situation, though I lack access to firearms. In the end I am probably going to have to tank it out again due to other factors.

> All that I try to "get better" fails so yeah I'm feeling pretty defeated right now. I'm tired of all this and tired of the methods I'm given to improve things because those too hurt and are tiring.

Very relatable. I advise you to sustain your effort to improve. At least don't neglect your responsibilities, because if you don't end up killing yourself, your path to recovery will be much longer if you destroy everything (eg also don't pick up recreational drugs). It's super hard and maybe impossible to keep it together but so worth it.

Keep thinking up creative solutions. I believe in you! Hugs

Thank you for taking the time to write. It's true if I don't kill myself but just wreck my life I am making things much harder then they need to be. What do you find to be worth the effort for recovery?

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I too don't want to die, but life circumstances are making it more inevitable.

It's not great advice, but I'm trying to get relief from the constant negative self talk, by observing it without judgement, and bringing my attention to my breath. It's early days but, I'm hoping it can over time help create distance from the negative thoughts and therefore, emotions, and ultimately give me strength to keep going on.

Hope things can get better for you. You're going through a lot, so it's important to be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself like you would a friend.

Thank you. Hope you can find the relief you seek from the negative self talk. If I was my friend I would've cut contact with such a toxic person because they aren't good for my mental health :/ tho I understand what you're saying