Venting It's scary yet so freeing

[SterileMoth]

I'm scared to ctb. I don't have access to any painless or easy methods. Was going to try VSED but I still live with my parents and they've noticed I've been eating/drinking less, my mom keeps making me food and my dad keeps offering to buy me takeout. I'm grateful to have such caring parents, I know many aren't so lucky, I've wanted to fight most of my friends parents. The other option was partial suspension or really just ODing on a variety of meds, but the OD would suck, could be reversed, and leave me with organ damage. Not great. I feel bad about planning to leave, I've had several friends ask to hang out, I flaked on two of them. They know I'm not in a great space, although I doubt they know the full extent as I've only told one person in depth. To all the others I've mentioned in passing as more of a "I'm tired" way, or more jokey sounding. I want to see my friends and get to say "goodbye" but it sucks trying to act like it isn't the only thing on my mind, like I'm not devoting most of my day to method research. I can't really tell them what I've been up to without spilling everything. I wish I could tell them and then have a proper goodbye without risking hospitalization.

My online friend, the one who knows the most about my interest in ctb, sent this to me the other night: "I didn't come back with any intention of ever leaving your side again" & (after I called myself an idiot) "This idiot kinda fell in love with the idiot many years ago and I don't think he's ever gonna be able to really let her go" and holy fuck did that make me feel guilty. Like goddammit. Dude. I wish he'd stop giving a fuck, I've fucked him over multiple times and he's still there. He berated me last night for being up late, even though he was the one feeling shitty and needing comfort. I honestly don't get why he still cares. It'd be a hell of a lot easier if I hadn't told him or if he left, I've pushed him away MANY times. It's like trying to kill a roach. Oh well.

I'm still not sure how I'll ctb in the end, I am kind of interested in SN, just not sure how I'll obtain everything. Gasses are off the table unless I set up a tent and sealed it off, otherwise I'd just hurt other household members. N would obviously be great but that's never happening.

I just ... part of me wants to chill for a bit longer, see friends more, dye my hair, I mean once I figure it out then it will be there for me when I'm ready. My date had originally been September 18th so, that's still a while ahead. I feel better after deciding though, I'm happy about it. I still had a panic attack today and still struggled to eat (appetite is just gone) but I didn't feel so dragged down, and that's only been since I decided to ctb. I don't want to live ... even just thinking about just continuing for the next 50+ years makes me want to cry. The fact that I can end it whenever I want to helps. I just need time to plan. If I can enjoy little parts of life until I'm ready, that's great, maybe it will be enough to keep me around, well see. I know if I hadn't made up my mind then I wouldn't feel so light though. It's like a weight is off my shoulders. I can enjoy things more, because the weight will be gone soon. I don't have to worry about my future or my life. Like I can finally focus on the moment. What happens between now and ctb, happens. Let's just enjoy the ride

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I enjoyed reading your post. Thank you for sharing.

I noticed something, hope it's okay to share my opinion. If it's not accurate or of value, I don't want you to take it on. And I say "take it on" for a reason. I don't want to burden you with my opinions. I don't want anything for you, except what you would want to receive for yourself. So if you don't want to receive this, I am cool with that. I offer this from me, but whether you want to accept it, use it, discard it, whatever, that's about you. We are separate people. I don't want to own you or your stuff, and I don't want you to own me or mine.

My online friend, the one who knows the most about my interest in ctb, sent this to me the other night: "I didn't come back with any intention of ever leaving your side again" & (after I called myself an idiot) "This idiot kinda fell in love with the idiot many years ago and I don't think he's ever gonna be able to really let her go" and holy fuck did that make me feel guilty. Like goddammit. Dude. I wish he'd stop giving a fuck, I've fucked him over multiple times and he's still there. He berated me last night for being up late, even though he was the one feeling shitty and needing comfort. I honestly don't get why he still cares. It'd be a hell of a lot easier if I hadn't told him or if he left, I've pushed him away MANY times. It's like trying to kill a roach. Oh well.

This guy to me has sticky boundaries. He wants you to take things on. And he wants to take on you, but doesn't accept you as you.

I've had one of those roaches. He was so enamored of me, saw a glorified version of me, didn't accept my definitions of myself when I told him he was in error, kept holding on to a dream for years that I made clear through consistent behaviors and actions was never going to happen. He would say that he accepted, and yet his consistent behaviors and actions demonstrated he did not. It is was a constant point of struggle within our friendship that would sometimes die down but always rise up again, so I could never relax because I knew it was never over. He spent a lot of years hinting, I spent a lot of years gently handing back. He spent a lot of years making promises but not acting on them in genuinely effective ways, and was not a good support. It was always disappointing, for us both.

This kind of guy, I know from experience, falls in love with an ideal, he puts it on a pedestal, and when he at last gets it, if he ever does, he will end up hating it and trying to destroy it. The actual person who is not the ideal gets negated, hurt, confused as fuck, and never heard. But they were never heard in the first place. Their boundaries and actual self were never recognized, and they never will be. Whoever that guy is in love with and wants to be with it not you. It's an ideal of you.

I'd be willing to bet he has perpetrated domestic/intimiate partner violence, and rejects that he ever would or did. He is not able to see it. He is not able to see the other person or his own actions.

The guy I knew, after years of going back and forth, when he couldn't take anymore that I rejected his illusions of me, he vehemently said goodbye, as if I had attacked him and he had to get away from my harm.

I never got the value I sought from him, he never got the value he sought from me. It was a matter of sticky boundaries. I didn't yet have it in me to recognize that and fully withdraw, because although I was frustrated, I did get some value, and it wasn't painful enough, frustrating enough, for me to cut him off. I'm glad he finally heard me and let go. It was a relief, no more having to defend my boundaries, my separate self. That in itself I take as a victory -- I was finally heard. My no was accepted. I was accepted, and he rejected that, because I and my boundaries were not what he ever wanted.

People are their boundaries. They define their wholeness. If someone loves me, they love my boundaries. They love my no. They want me to remain whole and my own self. They do not hit me, try to make me do things I don't want, or manipiulate me. They accept me as I am, and if they don't like that, then they are free to go. I cannot change myself for them, only lose connection with myself and replace it with connection to them, but they are not me, and it will never satisfy.

i know if I hadn't made up my mind then I wouldn't feel so light though. It's like a weight is off my shoulders. I can enjoy things more, because the weight will be gone soon. I

The guy above seems to put weight on you, rather than to relieve it.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I'm laid back about the whole thing tbh. It's scary and I don't really feel a rush to do it fast. I'm ready to accept suicide whenever I want to do it.

 

[SterileMoth]

I enjoyed reading your post. Thank you for sharing.

I noticed something, hope it's okay to share my opinion. If it's not accurate or of value, I don't want you to take it on. And I say "take it on" for a reason. I don't want to burden you with my opinions. I don't want anything for you, except what you would want to receive for yourself. So if you don't want to receive this, I am cool with that. I offer this from me, but whether you want to accept it, use it, discard it, whatever, that's about you. We are separate people. I don't want to own you or your stuff, and I don't want you to own me or mine.



This guy to me has sticky boundaries. He wants you to take things on. And he wants to take on you, but doesn't accept you as you.

I've had one of those roaches. He was so enamored of me, saw a glorified version of me, didn't accept my definitions of myself when I told him he was in error, kept holding on to a dream for years that I made clear through consistent behaviors and actions was never going to happen. He would say that he accepted, and yet his consistent behaviors and actions demonstrated he did not. It is was a constant point of struggle within our friendship that would sometimes die down but always rise up again, so I could never relax because I knew it was never over. He spent a lot of years hinting, I spent a lot of years gently handing back. He spent a lot of years making promises but not acting on them in genuinely effective ways, and was not a good support. It was always disappointing, for us both.

This kind of guy, I know from experience, falls in love with an ideal, he puts it on a pedestal, and when he at last gets it, if he ever does, he will end up hating it and trying to destroy it. The actual person who is not the ideal gets negated, hurt, confused as fuck, and never heard. But they were never heard in the first place. Their boundaries and actual self were never recognized, and they never will be. Whoever that guy is in love with and wants to be with it not you. It's an ideal of you.

I'd be willing to bet he has perpetrated domestic/intimiate partner violence, and rejects that he ever would or did. He is not able to see it. He is not able to see the other person or his own actions.

The guy I knew, after years of going back and forth, when he couldn't take anymore that I rejected his illusions of me, he vehemently said goodbye, as if I had attacked him and he had to get away from my harm.

I never got the value I sought from him, he never got the value he sought from me. It was a matter of sticky boundaries. I didn't yet have it in me to recognize that and fully withdraw, because although I was frustrated, I did get some value, and it wasn't painful enough, frustrating enough, for me to cut him off. I'm glad he finally heard me and let go. It was a relief, no more having to defend my boundaries, my separate self. That in itself I take as a victory -- I was finally heard. My no was accepted. I was accepted, and he rejected that, because I and my boundaries were not what he ever wanted.

People are their boundaries. They define their wholeness. If someone loves me, they love my boundaries. They love my no. They want me to remain whole and my own self. They do not hit me, try to make me do things I don't want, or manipiulate me. They accept me as I am, and if they don't like that, then they are free to go. I cannot change myself for them, only lose connection with myself and replace it with connection to them, but they are not me, and it will never satisfy.




The guy above seems to put weight on you, rather than to relieve it.

I know that post was about my friend, but a lot of what you said hit home with my ex-fiance as well, enough that I started crying. It sucks. I tried to be the idealized version my ex had of me, but I never could be, I lost a lot of boundaries trying to be what he wanted. He never hit me, but he manipulated and psychologically abused me. I still miss him so much, it sucks. He treated me horribly. I wish it was different with every fiber in me. I love him. He never actually loved me for me though. When we broke up he told me "I thought the medication would change things" - as if it would make me into a whole other person, rather than just make suicidal ideation easier to cope with. Fuck, I really miss him today.

Thank you. I've been careful with the Friend, I told him I feel like I must walk on eggshells around him and he blamed me, I told him he had toxic behaviours and he blamed me, I've been trying to remain relatively unattached as I was going to cut him off before my fiance left. After my fiance left ... idk, its just harder to cut him off right now. I feel alone and I know I can talk candidly because there is minimal risk I will get hospitalized if I mention everything to him. In a way I might be using him for that right now, which is bad of me ... but he's held me on a pedestal even when I'm horrible. The whole relationship isn't the healthiest.
Either way I still plan to ctb, which means it wont matter in a while.